SHUT UP: A Love Letter to the Metronom’s “Ruhe-Wagen”

Here in Hannover, Germany, lots of people ride the regional train known as the Metronom. It is used mostly to travel north and south within the state of Lower Saxony to cities like Bremen, Hamburg, Uelzen and Göttingen. In additional to the usual passenger cars, it offers a food/drink car (Snack-Wagen), a car for people with bikes (Fahrrad-Wagen), and a “quiet” car (Ruhe-Wagen). Since the Metronom is often the cheapest option among the trains passing through Hannover, it attracts passengers from several different socio-economic spheres:

• White Trash Fatsos with Screaming Babies and/or Snot-Nosed Kids Running Amok
• Greasy Teenagers Who Think the Louder They Yell the More Important (or Hilarious) Their Point
• Visibly Intoxicated Soccer Fans Shouting Team Anthems All the Way to the Big Game

These people belong on the regular passenger cars, where they can freely express themselves and hopefully share a lethal strain of mononucleosis.

And then there are the rest of the passengers:

• College Students Who Want to Be Left the Hell Alone
• Rich Old People Who Are So Cheap They Are Willing to Ride Alongside the Unwashed Hordes
• My Wife and I, Who Hate Everybody and Just Want to Read Our Nerd Books in Silence

Now, these people belong in one car, and one car only: The Ruhe-Wagen. It should be quiet, with dimmed lights, and the only thing one should ever hear is the occasional hushed whisper or ruffling of a finance-oriented newspaper. The Ruhe-Wagen is clearly indicated with signs on the outside of the car, above the entrance door and on every table. And yet still, 9 out of 10 times, a gang of untouchables will board this car and ruin everyone’s day.

So, as a solution, I have redesigned the Ruhe-Wagen signs and replaced them with my own. Please enjoy, and help spread the word!

Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!

— OGM