Til Schweiger: My Nonsexual (but Still Gay as Hell) Man-Crush from Germany

Til Schweiger - German Actor
*Sigh* “Oh you dreamy Übermensch…” — (Image Source: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001709/)

At the end of the 1990s, I saw a movie called SLC Punk. While the plot centered around a bunch of punk rocker kids in 1985 Salt Lake City, Utah, it also featured a minor character named Mark; a short, strikingly handsome, cartoonishly paranoid drug dealer from, “somewhere behind the Iron Curtain.” Although over-the-top, batshit insane, Mark delivered some of the movie’s funniest lines, like:

MARK: “Thiiiiis… looks like a silver record. But it’s not a silver record — it’s a LaserDisc. …There’s a movie on there! Heh.”

slc-punk-mark-laserdisc
Image Source: https://cinema1544.wordpress.com/cinema-1544/slc-punk/

…and…

MARK: “This one, is a waterbed. But it’s not a normal waterbed, ‘cuz a normal waterbed goes like this — ‘twoo-eee-woo-eee-woo-eee‘ [making wave gesture with hand] — lots of waves. Funny thing is: this one doesn’t have any waves.”

STEVO: “Well, why didn’t you just buy a normal mattress that doesn’t have waves?”

MARK: [Long pause, then strokes the bed lovingly] “…This one doesn’t have waves.”

slc-punk-mark-this-one-doesnt-have-waves
Image Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQCQGzkwzn0

I didn’t know it at the time, but Mark was played by actor Til Schweiger (pronounced: Shhh-vvv-EYE-[like ‘eyeball’]-guh), and he’s kind of a big deal over here in Germany. I get the feeling Schweiger has made a lot of reeeeeally bad movies — mostly action flicks — but I’m not exactly objective: I think 90% of all German movies are 100% dogshit.

Now, most Americans probably recognize Til Schweiger from Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, in which he played Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz. Again, a relatively small part, but one which provided my favorite line in the movie:

HUGO: “Say ‘Auf Wiedersehen’ to your Nazi balls.” [Proceeds to introduce three rounds of lead to SS officer’s scrotum]

inglourious-basterds-say-goodbye-to-your-nazi-balls-gif
Image Credit: https://www.tumblr.com/search/nazi%20balls

Til Schweiger is handsome in that I-bet-he’s-kind-of-an-asshole-in-real-life sort of way. Obviously I have no idea what the man is like off-screen, but something about those squinty little weasel eyes makes me nervous. Like, as a child, maybe he put the family dog in the washing machine and cranked that bitch up to Power Spin. “Honey? Why does the dog smell like UltraFresh Ocean Breeze? And why is he walking in circles like he’s hopelessly retarded?”

From the 10 seconds I spent researching Schweiger, he actually appears to be a man of quality. According to The Hollywood Reporter, he’s been raising money to build a state-of-the-art refugee center to house families arriving in Germany from Syria, Afghanistan and Eritrea. That’s actually pretty awesome — especially considering the army of social media trolls who ripped him a new asshole for it.

Til Schweiger
“You can tell it still smarts a little…” — (Image Credit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Til_Schweiger — Subject to CC 2.0 License.)

But what do well-adjusted, well-educated German people think of Til Schweiger? Lemme ask my wife real quick…

Okay, here’s what she said:

“Yes, I know of him. He’s one of our better actors. Well, he’s a German actor — so not super good — but people like him. He does his own thing. I don’t think he likes the press very much… like, I think he punched a camera man once, but people like him. He has a daughter, and they make movies together. Some women think he’s so super sexy. I don’t.”

Well, I think he’s super sexy, but what I really like best about Til Schweiger is his self-deprecating sense of humor. He never hesitates to make fun of himself, and that’s crucial if a rich, famous movie star ever hopes to someday find himself on some weirdo American blogger’s list of quasisexual man-crushes.

For example, take a look at this German TV commercial for personal liability insurance, in which Schweiger plays himself at a high-society art exhibition. He accidentally autographs a very expensive painting, and then gives this look like, Fuuuuuuck

I actually guffawed out loud when I saw it at the gym last year, and Schweiger has been close to my heart ever since.

til-schweiger-vhv-commercial-gif
Image Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtl5XW76MFQ

That’s 4 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds for you, Til!

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany

Well done, you sexy little bitch.

— OGM

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7 thoughts

  1. People are not having just one opinion about Mr Schweiger, but two. On the one hand he DOES awesome stuff like that, on the other he behaves like an asshole, showing up drunk at public events – I even wonder if he might have an alcohol problem, but that is speculation, not a fact. Just google Till Schweiger besoffen – there was an incident 2011 and one 2015 – and several in between – I am not following the news about celebrities so my knowledge is incomplete and rather accidental.
    But he makes feel good movies a lot of people like, take for example Keinohrhasen or Zweiohrküken. He plays to his audience.
    The one thing were a lot of people agree is his Tatort-criminal movies are very action-soaked and not necessarily the best he ever did.
    You know, that it is unfair to praise an actor for his lines? Most of the times those lines have been written be screen writers, not by the actor …
    The one movie where I liked to see Mr Schweiger was a gay comic turned into a real movie: Der bewegte Mann.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have seen quite a few of his movies, and I like him (and I don’t judge you for your mancrush!). He gets made fun of because he usually mumbles with a bit of a nasally thing going on (google “Tatort mit Til”, which is a radio series), but it doesn’t bother me. Check out “Barfuß” also, for another cute and funny Til movie, along the lines of “Keinohrhasen”. All four of his kids were in Keinohrhasen! Somehow I also get the feeling you’d get a kick out of Bully Herbig’s “Traumschiff Surprise”, in which Til plays an action hero. Have you seen that yet? I agree with you about that commerical, too (as well as the one in which he and his daughter are sitting in an expensive car).

    Like

  3. Well, he´s our “Michael-“I´m pretty sure I can take more of that good sh*t…”-Jackson. Ok, he ruined a lot movies with potential but, so what? In know countries where Sly Stalones eye lid is considered as an actor :) just kidding.

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