Ask Yeti: Advice from an Evil Beagle, Part 2

Ugh, my dad just sat me down at his prissy little laptop and said I had to answer your stupid messages again or he wouldn’t feed me tonight. That’s animal cruelty. God! And the neighbor’s Shih Tzu is in heat too. If you idiots hadn’t written so many emails, I’d be balls deep in that little short muzzled slut right now.

Whatever. Let’s see what your fancy monkey fingers managed to bang out on the keyboard this time…

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SM3
The Crazy Beagles Group (Closed group. Must be logged into Facebook to view.)
December 21, 2016

Hi
I’ve just seen and shared your kibble bringer’s post with your ever so cute pictures. We would love for you to join a group on Facebook we are members of so we can see and read more of your antics the group is The crazy Beagles group.

Best regards Alfie, Hetty and the Kibble bringer

‘Kibble?’ You think I eat Kibble? Woman, I only eat the best: MaxiDog Olymp from Reico-Vital Systeme. That shit is like €47.50 for a 10-kilo bag. Would you put regular unleaded gasoline in a Bugatti Veyron? No. You’d feed that bitch stem cells and rocket fuel.

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Barnaby Beagle
http://www.erlenbek.co.uk/
December 27, 2016

Hi Yeti. Your Mummy is German – so’s mine. I feel you. You might be somewhat cute but nowhere near as cute as I was when I was your age. You’ve got youth on your side, that’s all. Oh, and wait until the suckers decide they’re addicted to beagles and get another, and YOU have the share YOUR house not only with your parents but with the new little fucker. You’ll go grey in seconds. It’s what happened to me. There’s five of us here now. Kill me already.

Barnaby, I am not ‘somewhat’ cute; I am the single most adorable creature in the universe. Asteroids freeze in place with but a glimpse of my deep brown eyes. Planets realign at my behest. Galaxies sigh and implode when I fart. And of course your hair turned gray; your parents have tried to replace your old ass four times in a row. That’s gotta sting, Old Yeller.

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Christine
December 20, 2016

Hey YeTi,

You are awesome and clearly are being raised correctly by your pawpa. I haven’t been in touch with him in, like, furrever, but he has a way of convincing people to order things online- so watch out. (YOU may not need an avocado pitter).

Anyway, we are all about CATS, but think you are cool. Grandpa had a beagle named Hiram who lived in Alfred, NY 100 years ago- yes, really. Hiram liked to lay in the street. He was a very smart dog.

Cheers from Minnesota

What in god’s name are you blathering about, Christine? My dad doesn’t sell avocado pitters online; he just sits there in his undies and writes about how much Germany sucks. Wait, cats? I thought you were just supposed to tie those things up in a burlap sack, weigh them down with rocks and toss them into the nearest lake? And as for Hiram, I promise you he was not a purebred beagle like me. He must have been 50% lab, 50% retriever, and 100% retarded.

 

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Dotty Lucking
December 21, 2016

Hey yeti, you look like a stand up kind of guy…fancy a doggy date? Maybe we could make some beagle puppys so we can try and take over the world, one act of random destruction at a time? Loves, Dotty the beagle x (newcastle under lyme, england)

What kind of self-respecting beagle agrees to a blind date? I have no idea what you even look like, Dotty. If your looks are anything like your typing, you probably resemble a great big bag of smashes assholes. Send pictures next time, please. (And show some titty.)

 

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Jessica
December 21, 2016

Hello Yeti! I too am the owner of a sweetly diabolical Beagle puppy. His name is Woody, but we joke constantly that his name should have been Pig Pig. Woody eats everything that remotely has a flavor, today’s snacks included some wadded up snot filled kleenex, rabbit poo (we live in Maine), the top off a Christmas ornament, coffee grounds, 3 paper towels, and for dessert, cat shit with a crunchy outer coating of litter. This little canine dumpster fire is by far the cutest animal we’ve ever had the (did)pleasure of knowing, we seriously can’t stop gushing over his cuteness. Afterall, what girl doesn’t love a man with guyliner? While Woody is stubborn, would eat till he popped, is an asshole on a leash, will never follow a command, and chews anything his widdle itty bitty Beagle mouth can find, he is social, pleasant, and doesn’t want to eat our kids. We are now members of whatever Beagle cult is willing to have us.

You can join my cult, Jessica. It’s called ‘Yeti’s Little Shitlings.’ You can be the human secretary, and Woody can be my dedicated salad tosser.

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Winston
December 21, 2016

Just wanted to say we recently adopted our beagle winston and he shows these exact traits. He’s a little devil for leaves as well as sticksome and is entirely motivated by anything that smells remotely like food. Hope yeti makes your lives that much more enjoyable just like Winston gives me and my partner

Why is this email sent from your beagle Winston, but addressed to my dad? This is my email address, genius. I can highly recommend you put the ball gag back in your mouth and let Winston do the talking.

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Claudia
December 20, 2016

Hello Yeti,
love your style and how you educate your humans – don’t give up and let them always think that you need positive reinforcement, don’t do the stuff they want you to do at once, otherwise the treats are finished. Train your selective deafness for interesting sounds like the opening of the cupboard where the good stuff is and when your humans put on their walking shoes. As for destruction you still have to learn something as we see but we are also some year ahead of you – and tell your humans to put your terrible deeds on dog shaming. We also love your rolling down the trunks video. Greetings from giant schnauzers Alpha and Aurora

What’s with all the unsolicited advice, Claudia? I don’t need any help being awesome. I invented that shit. Now please, if you would be so kind, send Alpha and Aurora on over to my place so we can make ourselves a little schnauzer/beagle sandwich.

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Alright, god dammit, that’s all for today. If you talking chimps are going to keep emailing me, go to my page, Yeti the Evil Beagle, and send me a short message. It’s really not that hard.

Sniff my ass.

— Yeti