If you’re new to this blog, let me start by giving you the rundown: I’m an American expat from Portland Oregon, happily married to a German woman, and together we live in Hannover, Germany. Not only do I love my stunningly beautiful, hyperintelligent wife, but I also love her country and all of the people in it. (Well, most of them, I should say: I’ve run into some serious cocks working at the Immigration Department.) Anyway, because I’m so fond of Germany, you should take every single word I’ve written in this post with one huge grain of salt, because I’m about as objective on this subject as an atheist at the Vatican helicopter dicking the pope.
Also, I’ve already written a similar article — 5 Reasons Why You Should Totally Have Sex with a German Dude — so it’s only fair I show the ladies some love too. But man is it difficult to try and write sex jokes and salacious euphemisms about women without sounding like Satan’s Managing Director of Violent Misogyny. I mean, you can tee off on men all day long — especially the white ones, like me — because we’re the last safe target of politically incorrect humor. But the ladies? Oh, that’s like tightrope walking on razor wire. Still, I’m gonna give it a shot, publish this blog post, and then run like hell from the ensuing barrage of strap-on dildos covered in flaming napalm. “Same team! Same team! Oh god my eyes, same team!”
Okay, so I don’t give one flying hunk of donkey shit if you’re a man, woman, both, neither, or a little green alien from Planet Hermaphrodong. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, bisexual, bi-curious, tri-curious, or one of those dudes who humps an anime love pillow. I’m here today to tell everyone on earth exactly why German women are awesome, and why you should thank your sweet lucky stars if you ever get the chance to slam some Black Forest ham.
Obviously there are exceptions, and yes, I am about to construct a numeric list of sweeping generalizations, subjective explanations, and thoroughly offensive observations, but if I have to clarify my own awareness of these facts before every single paragraph, this post is gonna suck more dick than a leather-skinned divorcée at a Channing Tatum look-alike competition.
Okay, so now that we’re on the same page, let’s begin discussing the top five reasons why you should totally stop what you’re doing right now, grab your passport and fly to Europe so you can find a spectacular German woman of your own and give her the jolly rogering of her life:
#1: German Women Are Smokin’ Hot
You know how we Americans are literally the fattest gang of slobs on the planet? Well, the average German — man or woman — tends to be a whole hell of a lot thinner. Sure, I’ve seen a couple of thunder thighs on this side of the pond too, but they’re super rare, like the ever-elusive, 5,000 lb, Javan rhinoceros.
One quick Google search will tell you Germany is climbing the global obesity charts at an alarming rate, but I am truly baffled by this information. I mean, who are they asking? And how are they gathering their data? Is the World Health Organization hiring kids to walk around Munich with clipboards, going, “Excuse me, ma’am, but are you a great big fat person? Yes? Okay, checkmark…”
I mean, I really must question these statistics, because whenever I walk down the street — any street, in any major German city — all I see are hot chicks and pretty boys. Beautiful, middle-aged women and handsome older men. Even the senior citizens are hot. (That’s right, I said it, Grandma: you go on and shake that shit.)
And you know why? Because most people, given half a chance to achieve their healthiest target weight, look pretty goddamn good. (Of course, if your body is in fantastic shape but your face is still a scalding hot mess… I’m sorry. That sucks. But that’s why god gave us makeup and plastic surgery. Also, you still get mad props — from me, at least — for not being yet another First World lard ass.)
Anyway, if you’re looking for a woman of true beauty and substance, stick to the major cities. And please, for the love of god, stay out of the little villages and towns sprinkled across Germany. The villages themselves are gorgeous and worth photographing as you pass through, but the women I recommend don’t live there anymore; they got the hell out as soon as they graduated high school. So what’s left in their wake? Who exactly are the available women in these small towns? Hovel trolls and hyperfertile jailbait.
Hovel trolls are women who were once young and beautiful, but were born and raised in a village — and for whatever reason — stayed there. Country life is very hard on the looks, especially after 30 years of smoking, drinking and giving the local neck-tattooed parolee tug jobs behind the garden shed. As for hyperfertile jailbait, well, these are simply hovel trolls in the nymph stage of development; they have yet to molt, shed their soft-shelled exterior, and emerge as the hard, sunken-cheeked, toothless wonders found in every small town in every country across the globe.
As for that whole traditional dirndl, braided hair, titties-popping-out, beer wench look, I’m sorry, but that’s really just an Oktoberfest thing. Which is really just a Bavarian thing. Which, to assume German women are all walking around town in that stupid-albeit-sexy-as-hell costume every single day, is really like assuming we Americans are all wearing cowboy hats, driving monster trucks and sleeping with our cousins.
So once you set that Oktoberfest fantasy aside and take a look at what actual German women look like, I think you’ll find them irresistibly attractive exactly because they tend not to show as much skin as Americans. Oh sure, you’ll still see the occasional gaggle of hypothermic 18-year-olds in the middle of December wearing miniskirts as they shiver their way into a nightclub powered entirely by frenzied hormones and alcohol, but you’ll find that in most other countries as well. Especially the United States. No, I’m talking about the more mature German women; the ones who build their seasonal wardrobes based upon the latest Brigitte magazine fashion porn.
Oh yes, the young, urban, German woman is of singular beauty, like a gentle breeze of style, class and understated sex appeal. So let me be the first to say it — right here, right now: Once you go German, you never go vermin.
#2: German Women Are Super Smart
Yeah, I know, even Germany has its share of slack-jawed half-wits. But in my experience, these people are more likely to be found in the tiny villages I mentioned before, where they celebrate owls, groundhogs and other weird shit as an annual excuse to get white girl wasted.
Maybe it’s because my wife is a Gymnasium (college preparatory) teacher and we live in a somewhat affluent neighborhood, so my socioeconomic sphere is occupied mostly by highly educated, independent, ambitious professionals, but it is my firm opinion that German ladies tend to be sharper than high carbon steel knives wrought betwixt the unstoppable crushing power of Wonder Woman’s Amazonian thighs.
First of all, you probably won’t meet a young German — male or female — who can’t speak at least a little English. Hell, most of them are straight up bilingual, which comes as a result of education, intelligence, or a combination of the two. And if you’re at all like me, hearing a woman switch effortlessly between two languages — which also means switching between two different ways of thinking — is so sexy you’re sportin’ chub the second she opens her yap.
Bonus tip: If you can speak a little German in return — and you really should, especially if you plan on living here — you’ll find yourself way ahead of the other randy wanderers. In fact, if you can speak fluent German already, you probably aren’t even reading this right now because you’re way too busy drowning in pussy.
You know what else is sexy? A well-traveled individual. Germans are known for being travel enthusiasts — during school and university, on vacation or for professional training after they enter the workforce, and later as retirees — they fly all over this spinning rock we call home. And in my experience, frequent and diverse travel absolutely obliterates ignorance. It promotes learning, awareness, open-mindedness and strength of character. Seriously, I have yet to meet a stupid world traveler. It’s as if travel is the very cure for stupidity itself. So if you ever find yourself chatting it up with a German woman, ask if you can compare passports with her. Yours will probably have a couple of cute stamps in it. Hers will be more colorful than a gay pride parade.
So where do you find these ladies? Sure, you can go slumming in some random bar in the city and pick up a tequila hag. Godspeed, my friend. But if you find intelligence sexy — and I know I do — you might consider looking in places where the women are more likely to have gone on to university after achieving their Abitur. (Its like our American high school diploma, only ridiculously more difficult to attain, and without it, German students literally cannot go directly to university after graduation.) I’m sure there are some smart ladies here who went through the school system without their Abitur, or who achieved it and chose not to pursue further education, but I’d call them the exception rather than the rule. (Also, they’re probably married with a couple kids, so you’re gonna have to up your homewrecker game to crush that kind of ass.)
If you’re in your 20s and looking for a smart woman of similar age, it’s much easier to just go to the nearest university, find a pub, and then hit on everything that moves. If you’re in your 30s or older, find a hip bar where all the yuppies go after work, cockblock every single guy in your path and go home with some classy strange. Now, I put it in such simple terms because there’s a kernel of truth here: German guys tend not to be quite so aggressive about getting laid as we Americans. I’ve seen it in person! Watching a German guy try to flirt is simply adorable; like a panda bear batting at a bamboo leaf. Thus, German women aren’t accustomed to being hit on with the kind of relentless intensity and baseless confidence for which we Americans have become famous.
But that doesn’t make German women stupid or naive; they know exactly what you’re doing. But flattery is a rare commodity over here — as are effective humor and blatant flirtation — all of which can be combined and harnessed to power your dating game like a goddamn nuclear reactor. So if you’re forward, honest and not completely retarded, you’ll soon find yourself in Germany slinging dick like a rock star.
#3: German Women Are Not Princesses
You know how we Americans tend to think we’re better than everyone else? Like, we’re simply the best country in the world because… well, we’re the best, goddammit? I’ve never understood that mentality, but I know where at least part of it comes from; helicopter parenting. See, we’re raised from birth to believe we are very, very special individuals. That we’re awesome, even though we haven’t achieved anything beyond learning to walk and successfully refraining from shitting in our pants all afternoon.
You know what this does? It breeds a generation of entitled young people with astoundingly high self-confidence and absolutely no personal achievements to support it. Don’t get me wrong — lots of Americans are hardworking and pragmatic — but they’re vastly outnumbered by the cocksure swaggering hordes. Most of our young men seriously believe they’re all going to grow up to be — and deserve to be — millionaire celebrities with six pack abs and dicks so big they eclipse the sun. And most of our young women believe they deserve to be millionaire celebrities with monster tits who fly to afternoon yoga on the backs of singing unicorns.
In the latter case, what we’re talking about is the Princess Complex; entitled, egocentric, selfish and inwardly hideous young women most often found in America. Hell, before I met my wife, I dated quite a few of these ovulating psychos, so I feel I’ve earned the right to say, fuck that noise; find yourself a nice German girl.
See, except for the very rich or very poor, Germans aren’t typically raised to believe life owes them anything. Sure, they bitch and moan a lot — even when there’s absolutely nothing to complain about — but no one is telling them they’re awesome just for being alive. They don’t get participation awards over here. Young people have to earn their praise, and even then, it’s parceled out very sparingly. (Perhaps a bit too sparingly at times.) Like, in terms of your career, it’s considered a high form of praise when your boss walks up to your cubicle and lets you know, “Well, it says here in last quarter’s performance evaluation, ‘Frau Krämer’s skull is not completely full of dog shit.’ So, congratulations, Frau Krämer; you are ‘competent’ at your job. Now get back to work.”
And speaking of work, you don’t have to worry quite so much about the whole gold digger phenomenon over here. Germany has a strong middle class, and the wealth gap between the rich and poor is nowhere near as broad as in the States. In other words, if you’re rich, you might impress some opportunistic diamond hooker with your big bucks, but most German ladies will fail to be properly impressed because they don’t need your money; they’re already earning enough on their own. If you find that kind of financial independence insulting to your ego, and inexplicably desire a woman who only wants you for your money, you’re in the wrong country. Go to Russia for that shit.
Also, German ladies probably won’t really care you’re American. They’re just not in proper awe of us Yanks. It’s weird, I know. I mean, we’re the 100% coolest, best, most awesome nation on earth, right? How ’bout a little automatic respect, huh? Is that too much to ask? Jesus Christ.
So in Germany, it’s not money or globally significant nationality you need in order to get some quality honey on your stinger, it’s the ability to praise. I’m telling you, flattery is rare over here; it strikes the ill-prepared German ear with overwhelming force, tickles the ego and sends a wave of preorgasmic butterflies from bellybutton to bootyhole. Use that to your advantage. Shock and awe, my friends. But be careful: I already told you German women are smart — they’ll see right through false compliments or any other kind of bullshit your throw at them — so be kind, honest about your intentions, and genuine with regard to your compliments. And when that intimate moment finally arrives, throw some latex on your filthy American meatstick and rock that German chick’s body until the only colors of the spectrum she can see are red, white and blue.
#4: German Women Aren’t Prude
It’s unfortunate, but we Americans are really quite prude. It’s our Puritan ancestry, and the relative youth of our nation. America is a young country, somewhere around the age of a hormonal teenager — physically strong and with budding intellect, but lacking the life experience of older nations — so while we know we want sex, we’re far too immature to come right out and say it. (Instead, we lock the bathroom door, turn on the faucet so Mom can’t hear, and then beat off like a madman.)
Germany, on the other hand, is a very old country. I mean, sure, the German Empire was formed in 1871 by the Prussians, but the geographical region known as Germania — and the people who inhabit it — have been around since the 2nd century BC. So Germany is kind of like a bitter, mumbling old curmudgeon, but with a vast amount of life experience — so they’ve had enough sex to know it’s no big deal. (Commence intercourse: tab A goes into slot B; withdraw; repeat; watch Tatort.)
So these days, young German women are growing up with a great deal of sexual maturity and far fewer hangups. Public displays of affection, casual nudity, interracial coupling and legalized prostitution are boring to them. They’ve been around it since birth. And you know what this does? It makes a generation of females who are comfortable with sex, less likely to suffer from repression, and who know all the steps of the Devil’s dance. I’m not saying German ladies are a bunch of insatiable fuck machines; I’m saying they’re more relaxed about the whole stupid subject and have likely explored it with impunity. So, if you’re lucky enough to go to bed with one, don’t be surprised if she proceeds to show you a magical evening in the Garden of Carnal Delights, and then leaves in the morning without asking for your number. Congratulations! You’re just one more notch on her belt, ya big stud muffin.
#5: German Women Have Yellow Teeth, but They Make the Perfect Wives
Did you really think I was just going to praise German chicks all day long without taking at least one shot at them? Sheeeeeeeit. Nobody’s safe when it comes to this blog.
Okay, so check it out: there are a lot — and I mean a lot — of young Germans running around this country with beaver-yellow teeth. Even high school and college kids, whom you’d think would literally be too young to inflict much staining damage during their short time on earth. But no, some of the hottest, most sophisticated Germans I’ve seen had teeth like corn kernels. I mean, their teeth are straight, of course — we aren’t talking about the English here — but they are yellow.
I think it has something to do with the amount of tea, coffee and cigarettes they consume. Also, German dentists don’t really give a damn about aesthetics; all they care about is utilitarianism and practicality. Just try and go in for a whitening: “Are your teeth straight? No cavities? No actual problems at all? Good. Now, why the hell are you in my office?”
My wife, however, is an exception. Her teeth are so white they’re spectacular. Her smile is, quite honestly, stunning. It’s perfect in every way, and for this reason, she stands out among her own people like a supermodel at a denture convention. But she takes care of her teeth, man. Like a hobby. (Or an obsession.) Maybe it’s because she’s spent so much time in the States, and over the years, our preoccupation with white teeth infiltrated her sense of personal beauty. I don’t know. But there are definitely other white-toothed Germans over here — you just gotta look a little harder. (Or say fuck it, strap on a pair of industrial strength beer goggles and go home with that beautiful, butter-toothed daffodil.)
So let’s say you find the kind of sexy, smart, non-princess, non-prude, white-toothed German woman I’ve been describing throughout this article, and the two of you dork each other senseless. What happens next? Well, let me tell you what happens next: you fall in love with her.
It’s easy to do, lemme tell ya. German women make the perfect spouses, especially for American men and women. Why? Because we balance each other out. Where Americans are practically born with credit cards in their chubby little baby hands — and are convinced they deserve to have whatever material goods they want, and deserve to have them now — Germans abhor debt, and are taught from birth if you can’t afford something, you save your goddamn pennies until you can.
On the flip side, if your German wife is so conservative she won’t even spring for the occasional pizza delivery, your more relaxed American attitude toward money will help her lighten up and have some fun. She’ll keep your bank account in line, and you’ll keep her from becoming a joyless, penny pinching killjoy.
Trust me when I say your German wife will be fiscally conservative enough for both of you. No longer will you waste money, water, energy, food, clothing or even that jar full of decade-old rubber bands you keep hauling around with you each time you move because she refuses to let you throw it away no matter how obviously you don’t need them anymore because you have brand new ones right here in the utility room drawer, god damn you honey. (But I still love you!)
So the added fiscal conservatism is great, but what about politics? Well, assuming you’re both still relatively young, you’ll probably share a similarly liberal attitude toward issues like gay marriage, equal rights for women and minorities, public healthcare, public education and immigration. You can drunkenly blather all night long over a couple bottles of red wine and totally agree on the best solution to all the world’s problems in just one evening.
Oh, one note on healthcare: we Americans are way overmedicated. (I know I am! I don’t just swallow Zoloft and Xanax by the fistful — I bathe in that shit.) When we catch a cold, we NyQuil ourselves into a coma. If we’ve got a little tiny bit of constipation, we shovel Metamucil down our throats until we defecate our souls. If we can’t sleep, we Ambien ourselves into extras on the Walking Dead. And if we get hurt badly enough to feel even a little bit of pain? Like from barking our shins against the sofa? Well, clearly it’s time to throw a Vicodin party.
Your German wife, however, will be content to treat Lyme disease with honey and a few cups of chamomile tea. Sometimes she’ll be a little ridiculous with her home remedies and scarcely masked utilization of the placebo effect, but you’ll probably learn a thing or two about medicinal restraint. Like, maybe you don’t have to blast that slight headache with the antibiotic equivalent of a nuclear warhead? And for her, you’ll likely provide the encouragement she needs to finally see a doctor and get some real medication for that bleeding, stress-induced ulcer she’s had since high school.
Just don’t mess with the windows. See, your German wife will want to fill the room with fresh air — even during winter, when your jolly bits are shriveled up like raisins — but also during summer, when the mosquitoes are pouring directly into your bedroom and eating you both alive. The weird thing is, if you bring home an oscillating fan, suggest it’s time to invest in an air conditioning unit, or allow even the slightest draft of cool air to waft across her skin, she’ll divorce your American ass. Okay, she probably won’t really divorce you, but if that draft crosses her lower back, she will slam the window closed and accuse you of trying to murder her by way of sudden, chill-induced kidney failure.
It’s a German thing.
German chicks are awesome. When compared to the rest of us poo-flinging chimps, the mighty female primates of Germany score a record-setting 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds:
Now, I know many of you will disagree with this evaluation — most of all the German women themselves and their former American lovers — but I politely invite all my readers to spew bile across my comments section like a fat kid on a roller coaster.
Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!