5 Reasons Why You Should Totally Have Sex with a German Dude

“I share this gift with you reluctantly.” — Image Credit: sunshinecity (https://www.flickr.com/photos/sunshinecity/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Here’s the deal: I am a straight, married, American expat from Portland, Oregon, now living in Hannover, Germany. My wife is a scalding hot German woman with two master’s degrees and a smile so stunning it could stop your heart. I did my time as a bachelor before I was married. I’m over it. This is why, years later, single life and the one-night stands which go along with it are about as interesting to me as white hot birdshit.

I have absolutely no motivation to give out dating advice, especially when it might help young German men get a little extra honey on their stingers. The thing is, as a foreign blogger in a strange land, I am compelled to make observations about the things I see around me. I also try to be as honest as possible with my readers, so this is why all you straight women, gay men, bisexual and bi-curious individuals are about to discover the top five reasons why you should totally, absolutely, 100%, drop whatever you are doing right now and pork a German dude:

#1: German Dudes Are Sexy

german-male-model-shirtless-man-funny “Anybody else want to punch this guy right in the heart?” — Image Credit: Hotlanta Voyeur (https://www.flickr.com/photos/hotlantavoyeur/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License. Lightly photoshopped.

You know how the stereotypical American tourist is a fat lard with white sneakers and a mean case of type 2 diabetes? Young German guys are the exact opposite; they’re style-conscious, thin and freakishly tall. Listen, I’m 5’10” tall when I’m wearing thick soled shoes, standing up perfectly straight and totally lying to myself. But the dudes here in Germany? They are, as my wife would put it, “lighthouse tall.”

Obviously there are exceptions — I’ve seen a few short guys here too — but most of them are like the Ents from the Lord of the Rings; elongated tree people, all lanky as hell with arms and legs akimbo. And if this is the moment when you decide to be a smart ass and google the average height between Germans and Americans only to find the difference minuscule, you can take those statistics and cram ’em: Here in northern Germany, dudes between the ages of 16 and 35 are tall as fuck. I see them every single day, and their genetic good fortune pisses me off.

One day, in a social setting, I asked a medical student here in Germany why the guys seemed so tall. He didn’t think his countrymen were any taller than mine, but suggested if there were a difference, it probably had something to do with diet. My ingenious theory, however, was that German winters typically last longer than those in the States, resulting in less sunlight and an overall deficiency of vitamin D. I went on to explain, beer in hand, how this would logically require the human body to adapt in order to increase surface area, resulting in a lanky populace better equipped to absorb sunlight. (Of course, according to my theory, Inuit people living in the Arctic should be tall enough to touch the goddamn sun, but hey, I was drunk at the time.)

Now, I have absolutely no explanation why German men tend to be so thin. Consuming the traditional German diet is like getting down on your knees and praying for a heart attack. The abundance of meat, bread and beer certainly hasn’t made me any sexier, so what the hell man? Maybe it’s just portion control. Maybe it’s greater emphasis on walking and cycling as means of daily transportation. All I know is young German dudes tend to have awesome bodies. Six pack abs are everywhere, as are broad shoulders and sculpted jawlines. This is why, on a worldwide scale of beauty from 1 to 10 — with 10 being the most beautiful — I am considered a British “7,” an American “6,” and a German “warthog.”

You know what else German guys have going for them? Style. They wear cool clothing that isn’t garish or overtly macho, and their hair tends to be stick-straight, allowing them to shape it into dazzling works of art. They stay ahead of all the latest fads and trends, so overall, their appearance is hip and fresh to the eye. (Or fruity as hell, depending upon your attitude.) Good style seems to be an inherent cultural trait across most of western Europe, but right now it’s definitely working to the advantage of young German males. That, or sexy unicorns are pissing in the groundwater.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, there are exceptions to every rule; not every young guy you meet here is going to be devastatingly handsome… but most of them will. Christ, with all the moussed hair, trendy jeans, blessed height and Olympian physiques, living in Germany is like being trapped inside one huge boyband. So if you’re into pretty boys, come on over; you’ll have a mouthful of beautifully shorn scrotum before you even leave the airport.

#2: German Dudes Are Smart

-- Image Credit: Johan Bichel Lindegaard (https://www.flickr.com/photos/accidentdesigns/) -- Subject to CC 2.0 License. Adjusted for contrast. “Oh, well you’re just the whole package, aren’t you… you NERD.” — Image Credit: Johan Bichel Lindegaard (https://www.flickr.com/photos/accidentdesigns/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License. Adjusted for contrast.

Alright, look — there are stupid people in every country, even in Germany — but it is important to note my wife and I do not make a habit of associating with knuckle draggers. Instead, we gravitate toward Germans who tend to be educated, well-traveled and able to consume alcohol in social situations without winding up tasered senseless and thrown into the back of a cop car. We’re arrogant snobs, is what I’m saying, so please keep this in mind as I make another sweeping generalization about the young men of northern Germany.

First of all, most of them are bilingual. They start learning English in the 3rd grade, and I know this because I have the incredible misfortune of living right next to a primary school. Every morning I get to hear these little nerds singing English nursery rhymes while I’m trying to work:

TEACHER: “The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout…”

SCHOOL KIDS: “The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout…”

ME: “DOWN CAME THE RAIN AND WASHED THAT FUCKER OUT! GOD DAMN YOU ALL!”

Anyway, their language studies continue right on up through high school, and even if they don’t pursue it any further, they’re exposed to English on a regular basis through TV, movies and music. Hell, most of my German friends even speak a limited amount of some additional and totally unnecessary language, like French. Does this automatically make them smarter? Hell no, but I triple-dog-dare you to try and find a stupid polylinguist. Something about forcing the brain to switch between languages makes it more flexible and dynamic. I believe this is because a language isn’t just a bunch of words; it’s a different way of thinking. Regularly alternating the way you think is going to make you a more interesting person, if not outright more intelligent. So when you’re enjoying pillow talk with your new German lover, not only will he be able to understand your every word, but he will probably have something insightful to say just as soon as you remove that ball gag from his mouth.

The German dude you choose to lay will probably have spent a great deal of time at university as well, attaining both his undergraduate and graduate degrees. See, higher education is of great importance in Germany, and college is virtually free — the key word here being virtually. My wife and I were once walking along Georgstraße in Hannover when we stumbled across a huge group of angry college students protesting against rising tuition fees in Lower Saxony. This was a few years ago, so I can’t remember the exact amount, but tuition had risen from around €500 euros per semester to like €525 euros. I laughed so hard I peed a little. And get this: Just a year or two later, Lower Saxony abolished tuition fees altogether. As an American, I just can’t wrap my head around free or even affordable tuition. Of course, I also can’t wrap my head around half my monthly paycheck going to the taxes it takes to cover said tuition, but still, it’s a pretty awesome system. It encourages high school graduates to go learn a thing or two about the world and stop being such narcissistic little shit twisters.

In general, Germans tend to be very well-traveled — especially the younger generations. They’re encouraged to embark on school exchange programs and spend a year or two at foreign universities. Then, after they’ve returned to Germany and entered the workforce, they are often sent back overseas for internships and additional job training — especially in the science, engineering and medical fields. I don’t know about you, but I have yet to meet a well-traveled individual who isn’t at least a little bit more sophisticated than an isolated one. As a result, German men of sexable age tend to be open-minded, sensitive and respectful of other cultures. So throw a condom on that gentle jet-setter, because he’s probably crushed ass from Sacramento to Singapore.

#3: German Dudes Are Humble

nerd-male-wearing-glasses-innocent-humble “You’re so money and you don’t even know it.” — Photo Credit:
Daniel Zedda (https://www.flickr.com/photos/astragony/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

In my experience, German guys tend to be extremely modest. I have no doubt there are a few egotistical shitbags running around over here, but all the ones I’ve spoken with practically trip over themselves when you pay them a compliment. And even I have to admit — it’s pretty adorable. See, I come from America; our culture is fueled by unchecked egotism and blind self-confidence. Things like bragging, cockiness, and inexplicably high self-esteem are so normal they make me homesick. But over here? No way. Good luck telling a German guy he’s smart or good-looking; he’ll probably black out and walk straight into the nearest wall.

Maybe it’s inherited guilt from the two world wars. Maybe it’s the rather intense secondary school system, or maybe it’s lack of praise or basic affection during childhood, I don’t know, but it seems like German people are reluctant to show any kind of national pride whatsoever. (Unless you’re talking about soccer. Then, apparently, they’re allowed to go apeshit.)

What I’m saying is, there’s still a lot of guilt over here, and that makes for a dating pool of young men who tend to be more reserved, less aggressive and way more grateful for the sex you’re having with them.

#4: German Dudes Aren’t Prude

german-man-licking-armpit On an unrelated note: This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. — Photo Credit: Jens karlsson (https://www.flickr.com/photos/chapter3/) Subject to CC 2.0 License.

When it comes to sex, we Americans are very prude. Oh sure, we’ll watch some action star cut an entire village in half with a machine gun, but a pair of tits on a billboard? None of us would get to work safely. This stems from our Puritan ancestry and the fact that, as a country, we’re still in our adolescence. We’re like a bunch of teenagers giggling in Sex Ed class: “Tee hee hee! The teacher said, ‘labia.’ ”

The country of Germany, on the other hand, is old as balls. Sure, the German Empire was formed in 1871 by the Prussians, but Germania has existed since the time before that one goody two-shoes got his ass crucified. And because Germany is right in the middle of Europe — greatly influenced by all of the countries surrounding it — its modern-day culture is very difficult to define. What I can say, however, is that it is old, and with age comes maturity. Here are a few German cultural traits regarding sex I can confirm, having observed them with my own two eyeballs:

  • Public Displays of Affection (PDA) – From city parks to beaches, German people give exactly zero fucks about being seen making out. And I don’t just mean sexy young people; I’m also talking about old people slapping waddles together like a couple of hungry sea lions.
  • Nudity – Not only are nude saunas commonplace in Germany, but so is nudity in advertising and entertainment. I try and act cool whenever I see a breast on a poster for skin cream, but inside I’m dancing around like a schoolboy: “Titties, titties titties!”
  • Compartmentalization – That very same German dude who just got done playing tonsil hockey at the park and watching sweat drop off his nards with a bunch of other guys in the sauna will then walk back into work, adjust his tie and give a presentation to the executive team without missing a beat. This is compartmentalization in action; everything has its place, but what’s cool in one place is not necessarily cool in another. They keep that shit separate.
  • Interracial Coupling – I love seeing people of different races get together, and I see it a lot more often here in Germany than I ever did in America. Sure, racism and prejudice exist here too, but it’s not stopping these crazy kids from mixing up their crayons.
  • Prostitution – I’ve talked about prostitution in Germany before, but I’ll say it again; it’s legal here, and it’s no big deal. Personally, I think prostitution should be legal everywhere. Why does the government care if you want to choke yourself while some chick dips your nuts in coffee? I think it’s awesome.

Now imagine a young German man growing up in this environment, where sex is accepted more openly and with greater honesty; he may not necessarily be a porn star, but he won’t have as many hangups about sex as your average American. Can’t you just picture the relaxed, easy confidence of a lover so perfectly bred? The only problem is German guys fail to realize how cool they really are; they don’t understand their casual attitude toward sex is both surprising and refreshing to Americans. That’s why in Germany you’re so likely to run into a tall, smart, handsome bastard with the soul of a virgin nerd.

#5: German Dudes Are Uncut

uncut-uncircumcised-penis-bratwurst-sausage “Get that awful wiener out of my face.” — Image Credit: barockschloss (https://www.flickr.com/photos/barockschloss/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License

Oh, did you think this was going to be one long ass-kissing session? Like I wanted to endear myself to the young male population of Germany by listing all the ways in which they rule? No. This is the part where I cut them right back down to size. (Tee hee!)

So here’s the deal: I make a real point out of not looking at other dude’s junk while I’m showering at the gym, but it’s impossible to avoid entirely, especially if you tend to walk with your head down, like I do. If I exit the shower area right as another guy is entering, I will see, in exactly the following order: feet, knees, cock, nipples, face, and then it’s “Oh, excuse me,” as I step aside, thinking, what in the fuck is with all the uncut birds in this country?

I know circumcision is not a part of Christian religious tradition, and Germany is lousy with Catholics and Protestants, so maybe that explains why it isn’t so popular here. But then, America has a shit-ton of Christians too, and most of us had our birds cut while we were still fresh out of the womb. So I’m not sure about the reasons, but circumcision is a surprisingly divisive issue. To cut or not to cut: That is the question. For some it’s about the look. For others it’s about sensitivity, cleanliness or simply not wanting to cut off parts of their baby. And according to the half-assed google search I just did, circumcision seems to be on the decline — at least in America. There are tons of reasons for this — all of which are hotly debated — but none of them matter at all, because uncircumcised dicks are fucking disgusting.

I had my foreskin hacked off as a baby, and I’m glad as hell. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) Every time I go to the bathroom I think to myself, yeah, that there is some fine lookin’ denim pork. Now, does it make logical sense that an altered body part should look better than a natural one? Of course not. But still, we pierce our ears, right? We get tattoos, shave our pubes, wear makeup and lift weights to try and achieve a physique with which we were not genetically gifted. Hell, in some cultures they scar themselves from head to toe or wear rings around their necks until they can’t support the weight of their own heads. These are all examples of cultural body modification for the sake of beauty, and when a certain type of beauty is popular for long enough, it becomes the standard. (Hey, I don’t make the rules, I’m just playing by them.)

Sure, uncircumcised dongs will likely come back into fashion, as will big hair, quaaludes and 1970s porno pubes, but I for one will be crying the day that happens. (Except for the quaaludes part. Those sound awesome.) But if you want an uncut penis and you want it right now, come to Germany, because they don’t send their soldiers to war without a helmet.

CAUTIONARY NOTE:

Although I have strongly recommended throughout this post that you have sex with a German dude, just remember to use protection. Your future spouse is not going to want to hear about the STD you caught in Munich when you were nearly slapped to death in a nutsack hurricane. And you definitely don’t want to explain you have herpes because of that one summer in Berlin spent drowning in penis.

Summary:

It’s real simple: German dudes are awesome. When compared to the rest of the knuckle-dragging primates of the world, the great apes of Germany score a record-setting 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds:

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany
Oh, I’m sure many of you will disagree with this assessment — most of all the guilt-ridden, self-loathing Germans themselves — so I cordially invite all of you to light up my comments section like a flaming dildo.

 

 

237 thoughts

  1. Thanks for the interesting text. Having spent some time in Germany I find that you speak the truth on most subjects pertaining to the German male, having married one, I should know. I noticed that Germans from the Alsace-Lorraine region tend to be taller and thinner than the Southern Germans, ie;
    Bavarians. Enjoyed this!

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      1. I’ve always wanted to go to Germany (not going to lie, mostly for the hot men) but HOW does a vegan like me live in such conditions?? I mean, sausages, pork, beef? How am I ever gonna get a tall, sexy, thin man with a thick accent to obsess over me IF I CANT LIVE IN GERMANY😭😭😭

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    3. I’m from Hannover and i’m only 4’11 :( yes German guys are tall but i just wish being short was considered sexy. I’m female so i guess It’s not so bad it’s just all the men go for the tall thin girls :(

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      3. Yes I have visited the states and had some American guys. I also make a Zumba course so being able to dance also helps. Actually I really don’t like it so much to date German guys, guess it’s because I want something different.

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      4. You’ll find someone, don’t worry. ;) Guys worth being with shouldn’t care about appearances.

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      5. All the german men i’ve met actually said they prefer petite women like us… so cheer up i think tiny is super sexy especially when you wear it with some self appreciation;)

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      7. I lived in Germany for over six years and I still love German women. Deutsche Frauen mit Kurven sind mein Lieblingsschmack. I would tell my German male friends they’re ignoring great women right in front of their eyes. Crickets…

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    4. Maybe this is because the ‘Germans from Alsace-Lorraine’ are actually French from Alsace-Lorraine since 1944? Different people = different diet. Perhaps your German husband should invest in a world map dating from post WWII as a present for you this Christmas. Just an idea…

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    5. A culture that concentrates on self-decreeing their fantasies becomes what is described in the book of Romans , first three chapters. Sure Germany is a country full of smart people, but not necessarily Wise people. As for the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” cavalier attitude toward sex outside of marriage, how special that must make your wife to feel knowing you are sharing things you contracted while getting off with someone you don’t care enough about to remember the name of. It’s a laughable lifestyle you live. “Fools mock at sin is right” Right out of proverbs- but hey, who am I to judge, I just have one wife, six children and a house in the suburbs, bub. I believe in positive, helpful, interesting but wise information. I don’t find anything- at all -wise or helpful here. Just the same old, “nothing new under the sun” mentality of free thinking, free love , sex with anyone and anything – mentality that is nothing new. Call you old fashioned? You aren’t doing anything new- call you boring? You arent doing or saying anything wise, do should you call yourself stupid? You have to decide that for yourself. Righteous you are not. Proud- yes, you are proud. Looking back, you still can’t see – Try looking forward, imagining something real that hurts nooben else, makes no one else feel sick or catch diseases, and is a positive force in the world – kind of like the Return of the Jedi- Do no evil, Say no evil, Think no evil; learn what real men and women do, not the depraved ,wanton behaviours you describe. Repent , – and not to be too trite about it, but”Repent , for the kingdom of heaven Is ( actually ) at hand. In Jesus name, Amen.

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      1. Christoper Davis, your comment has come up in my notifications. I’m not going to go into detail as to your state of mind. Just don’t let me find your comments in my notifications again.

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  4. Well, in Germany boys were only circumcised for either religious reasons (and that is even debated now as they say it is genital mutilation, like FMG, just slightly less invasive) – or because the boys were suffering from phimosis.It was never that popular here as it was in the US. Personally I know what I would prefer, but this is not about my preferences but about somebody elses body.
    For the rest I can only say, prejudices, prejudices. Germans are thought to be the most ugly persons in this world (there is this website for beautiful people in which Germans scored last) – well we are not called the ugly Germans for nothing. The website is BeautifulPeople.com, and Germans are only allowed on in 26 % of the cases!
    Germans are getting more and more stupid, The attention span is lessening significantly.
    YOUNG MEN are NOT HUMBLE – they never are, not in this country nor in any other – it is part of their job description it seems.
    Not prude, OK, I will give you that. But that is more prevalent in older people, strange enough. Younger people are getting more and more conservative!

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    1. you post screamed stereotypes. Maybe from your experiences in bad men there not humble etc. but I dated plenty of nice men, and all my guy friends in foreign countries are the sweetest people except. Italy and Spain. and that from first hand accounts all so American men tend to be more arrogant, and who do you think will listen to some bitch inn god know ware reading a beauty website that probably gets it info from stereotypes and high social standards not what an average man women would think as good looking or a man who lives there. I have ,more to say but I on my phone take that in to consideration while you read this.

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    2. Conservatives build, not destroy good things. I agree young people see and often have to live with parents and peers making morally depraved spectacles of themselves , and getting further and further from the truth. Good to hear the comment about conservative.

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  6. I saw the title of this post, and I had to go get a sausage out of the fridge to have with my beer while I read it! ;)

    I know several German men and can personally verify 1-3, although I would add with regard to 3: although they may be humble, it is inconceivable that they could ever be wrong about anything they decide they are right about. As for 4 and 5… alas, the sexy German man I have a crush on is in Germany and I am stuck in the US for the foreseeable future. But I’ve heard about #5 before, and that’s perfectly cool with me.

    So… could you follow up with a blog post about how a short, round, crazy American woman could convince a smart, sexy German man that he should marry her? (I assume they are too smart to permanently move to the US with it’s sorry state of health care and social services, hence the lure of a green card probably doesn’t work.)

    Thanks for the great, funny blog! ;)

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    2. I’m a short, crazy, round American girl who married a second gen German in the states. As far as I can tell he likes me because he can be himself and I check his ego. If I could post a picture, I would but he is tall, handsome, brilliant, and nerdy as advertised.

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  7. The issues with dryness and the loss of sensitivity aside – you really think a cut dick looks good? With those scars, skin bridges, the general disfigurement? Wow. You must also like the look of varicose veins.

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    2. I agree. As an American female who was married for many years to a German and has dated more than a few (still living in Germany), my opinion is that the uncut version is better–natural, untouched. The other is weird to me, although I’d seen many growing up. In fact, circumcised men are likely the minority in the world.

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      1. Circumcised men (and boys) are the minority in the world. Personally, I never understood when women said that “circumcised looks better” and “uncut is gross”. First of all, have they ever seen their own genitalia? And secondly, how do missing body parts and scar tissue “look better”? How is dry, rough, tough, scarred, discoloured skin on genitals more appealing? It reminds me of the ancient Chinese practice of foot binding – people believed that women’s feet were ugly and that deformed crippled feet were beautiful. Human insanity and stupidity at its finest.

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  8. You know, I always had this thing about Italian men but maybe I have to reconsider…hmmm. I have always wanted to visit Germany so maybe now I have some extra motivation as a straight single gal. Assuming that there’s a good bit of truth to 1-4, I can forgive #5…just saying. :) OMG your blog cracks me up! Thanks for the morning laugh and something to think about.

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    2. In my opinion, just appearance wise, Germans look better than Italians. And Germans are way more economical than Italians who spend 80 % of their monthly salary on buying clothes, accessories, etc. And Germans are famous for their punctuality and being awesome with mechanics. In the meantime, Italians are infamous for their abundance of love and stuff. So maybe I’d like to go out with Italian some time because they sound so much fun! :) Because what do women need other than love?

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      1. I think it probably doesn’t matter who you date just as long as the person, regardless of where they’re from, cares about you as much as you care about them :)

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  10. Hilarious article! I’m thinking of studying in Germany, and this article made me feel a lot better about it. I’m Southeast Asian, and it’s nice to know I won’t be burned at a firepit (or miss out on dudes) for having darker skin.

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      3. What parts of Germany have you been to? There are many racists in the country, especially the former East Germany. Especially with the refugee crisis reawakening Far-Right feelings across Europe, mostly Hungary, Sweden, and sadly, Germany.

        I’m not racist, but I am just saying you might be over-generalizing Germans. They are said to be the most racist European country, Russia being number one.

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  13. Well…this is almost totally untrue. I’ve lived in Germany from my 18th bday untiil I turned 43…German dudes are NOT like this. I’ve lived in Northern-ish Germany (Bonn), and in Heidelberg/Mannheim.

    Most German guys are weak, passive aggressive. They avoid confrontation, but are happy to end an argument with “Ich Ruf’ den Polizei!”
    They tend to take their aggressiveness out on the Autobahn..driving as fast as they can, and cutting you off at the next semi-legal opportunity.

    Better educated? Most Americans have to struggle with education, and complete it on their own terms, with great personal expense and sacrifice. Because education is almost free in Germany, it really does not mean a lot. The standards of education are much lower – so someone with an advanced degree in Germany does NOT equate to an advanced degree in America. Otherwise, why would a Doctor or Lawyer not be able to easily practice in the United States?

    Sexual. Yes, the human body is not seen as a sex object in Germany – necessarily. FKK and naked sauna’s are fairly common. Additionally, German advertising does include naked flesh…the better to sell their product! Germans are not prudish, however the sex act does not mean as much either…it can be the culmination of a good night out, not as an expression of love – of course, I may be old fashioned in this way of thinking.

    Dress / health. German men are usually more health conscious then american men (leider…), but we’re getting better. Some/most still tend to mix a otherwise healthy lifestyle, with much smoking and drinking. They do tend to dress better, albeit in a European way – what American dude looks good in spangled skinny jeans? Earrings and disco are out, however (Thank God) 80’s music is still played in bars/clubs. I would be a typical American can kick a typical German’s butt 9/10 times! ‘Merica.
    How ’bout them once a week showers? How ’bout not believing in deodorant or cologne…most German men think too many showers actually weaken your immune system, and the use of colognes/sprays (though getting better) is still not widely accepted.

    The reason why many American’s are successful with the ladies in Germany is that we tend to treat women better. German men, in general, treat woman like an object to be used, and ‘bleib in die Kuche!” We (generally, I know), tend to appreciate our frauen, which is in turn reciprocated.

    In conclusion, be proud of who you are, and to thine own self be true.

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    2. Bullsh*t. I am german and have lived in Germany all my life. My opinion is not influenced by the fact that I’m german when I say: what you wrote isnt true. The education in my state (and the others) is considerd very hard and good and it has nothing to do with how much you pay for it. I went to school here myself so I have to know ;) I don’t wanna insult american education but I don’t think that it comes close to being as good as in Germany in general (of course there are exceptions: harvard etc.) The part with men treating their women bad isn’t true either. Of course there are some people to do that but not more than in every other country. Also your german is very bad for the fact that you ‘have lived here for 25 years so its hard to believe for me that you really did. I didn’t read the rest of your hate speech but it probably resembles the things I mentioned and isn’t true neither :—)

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    3. Not true. German education is very good in general and also in comparison to american education(the prize doesn’t matter). I know because I’m german myself and have lived here since I’ve been born. The rest isn’t really true either. Your german is very bad for 25 years of living here so I don’t believe you that you really have xD

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    5. Holy crap, Spaceghost! Did you actually make friends with any Germans while you lived here, cuz I’m gonna go ahead and guess that ya didn’t. I’m an American married to a German and living in Germany. Literally every German male I’ve gotten to know since living here is more sensitive and appreciative toward their women than American men tend to be. I only work part time and my German husband still offers to cook after a long workday sometimes and he still thanks me nearly every day for doing the laundry or cleaning the bathrooms. Every single one of his friends is the same! They are all kind, thoughtful, and incredibly romantic.

      Yes, it’s true they don’t shower DAILY, but where I live, smells are not a problem. Generally they are taught how to properly clean themselves even without a full shower. My guy puts on deodorant twice a day and a spritz of cologne every morning. He always smells fantastic even after a long day of work.

      And where do you get off saying they are weak and passive?! That’s absolutely hysterical since most of the world knows Germans to be direct and straight forward. I have yet to meet a single passive-aggressive German. They say what they mean and do not shy away from confrontation!

      And do you seriously believe the American educational system is better than the German?! I’m sorry… do you actually understand how it works here? For example, there are three different levels of high school. If you struggle and are less intelligent, you’re in the bottom level. However, at that point, they help you focus on possible careers and teach you how to be a good employee. You even have a 2-week stint as an intern so you can start learning how to work. The school systems are EXTREMELY practical, and rather than everything being so damn standardized like in the States, students can focus their studies in high school such as language arts or math and science. This helps further prepare them for college so they’re already on the right track before they even get there. My husband was educated in the Gymnasium (the highest level of high school), and he only completed the 10th grade. I was on the honor roll in high school AND college and have a bachelor’s degree, and am humbled by my husband’s intelligence on a daily basis. He’s smarter than most Americans and his English is better than yours!

      Let me guess… you were a soldier living on a military base and almost never had an honest-to-goodness heartfelt conversation with a German. Is that it? Because I seriously cannot fathom how you could genuinely believe these things if you ever actually met more than one German during your time here.

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    6. Yes sure… you say you lived for 25 years in germany?
      it is called “Ich rufe die Polizei ” and “Bleib in der Küche”.
      You know german and the germans very well for 25 years… rofl.
      Jealousy don’t makes you prettier.
      Have a nice day hater ;)

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    7. Yeah ok you have some points but i disagree with you on some things. It’s actually the opposite with education someone with a master’s degree in the US would really only have a bachelor’s degree in terms of German standards. As a student in Germany you have to be more disciplined you do not have Professors always on your case about attendance usw.

      Also I’m normally not one to criticize someone’s German because as being a German teacher I understand how difficult it is to learn. And i know my English is not perfect. I want to ask though did you have much practice speaking German since the 25 years? Maybe someone already corrected you but its die Polizei and bleib in der Küche in this case (Dativ).

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    8. This is so true! German men are passive and rather weak in personality. Just because they look masculine, doesn’t mean they have strength of character or courage.. Don’t confuse gentleness and non-assertiveness with those other traits. As a female, you’ll have to be more assertive, which gets tiring and rather frustrating.
      I learned this the hard way, and over time. Plus be careful with attitudes about money–you may find yourself at odds with this particular cultural difference!!

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  14. This all may be true, but German guys are very crap at expressing their attraction, I found. I had a few guys I went on dates with, even one guy I was very close with, all could have had some alone time with me but I lost interest after such a long time without any hint from their side.

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  16. Pingback: Weather in Germany: Watching the Seasons Change with the Davis Hill Weather Stick | Oh God, My Wife Is German.

  17. Sorry, but as an American woman, I generally agree with Spaceghost1967. The German dating scene is terrible.

    I had three non-negotiable requirements for a potential partner: drinks and smokes the same amount or less than I do, can laugh at himself, was OK with the fact that I was working on a PhD. No joke, it took six years on the German dating scene in two different cities to find someone with those three attributes. Most of the guys with a sense of humor were chain-smoking alcoholics. And even though I currently live in a university city where more than 50% of the population is somehow engaged in higher education, I had lots of “getting-to-know-you” Kaffeetreffen sour as soon as I mentioned my PhD. It was almost like I had insulted their manhood by pursuing more education than they had. It wasn’t even something I was flaunting; it was just an answer to the typical “what kind of work do you do?” question. Even men who had PhDs themselves suddenly got quiet. Thankfully, it was love at first sight with the first man I met who had my three non-negotiable attributes.

    I will admit that German men make for awesome (platonic) drinking friends and roommates, though. There’s always decent booze and someone willing to fire up the grill. They sit down to pee and are generally a whole lot more tidy than their American counterparts.

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    2. This is what I was worried about! None of the germans I’ve met have had a sense of humor– except for very dry, dark ones (still funny but not silly at all). I’m sorry you got dissed so hard for your phd, but glad you’ve found someone to appreciate you now (very belatedly).

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  18. you are not even 6 foot? well then you are rather short :P. i have got the short side too with 5’4, but my cousin(f) is 6’1 her husband is 6’5”(and the 5 and a half year old is 1.30m)(sorry my imperial measures memory only starts at about 5 feet) and my cousin (m) is 6’4”.

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  19. This post hit the nail on the head! I’m in my twenties and I will vouch for ALL OF THIS. Basically, I don’t have enough good things to. You delivered the truth about all of the nerdy adonis hybrids that are younger German men with such comedic wittiness and grace. *applause*

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  20. About number 5, as an American woman who has experienced both cut and uncut, I think the state of the tip does not ultimately matter, but I must admit German men do provide a, um, smoother, more pleasant ride. Like one of those well-engineered German cars. ;)

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  21. I am a dude and I suddenly want to go back and really spend time in Deutschland. South African men are really beautiful too, probably lots of German blood there. I was uncut, but a recurring case of phimosis resulted in a circumcision. I do miss my helmet a bit, but it is easier to keep clean. I love that men could be handsome yet, unaware of it, modest and stylish all at same time. Thanks!

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  23. Agree with all your observations except the uncut cock part. I love uncut dicks. They look so inviting, have a scent that is a real turn on and they seem to be so much more sensitive to cut cocks.

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  24. I’m Asian and I just rode my first German engineered wagen. Still getting used to the handling and thrust but otherwise a very ‘focused’ and ‘efficient’ unit.

    He is 6’2 compared to my measly 5’1 and has legs like a praying mantis. He has literally stood me on a dinner chair just so we can see eye to eye. Upside is that he gives me divine neck rubs of an evening.

    He is a university professor and the second most intellectual man I have ever met. I have a degree in pharmacy, another in law and am soon to embark on a third in engineering (yes my interests are varied). I find his interactions with me deeply thoughtful and engaging. He is not the least bit cold or distant though he slightly reserved.

    My German professor is definitely not a prude but he confuses me. For some reason he can mutter the word orgy and say the most suggestive things yet is uncomfortable when I shout cock. He named his Charles but changed it when I protested that my kitty resented being a Camilla.

    He has a thick and rather endearing German accent despite living in Australia for the last 15 yrs. I am also bilingual but we understand each other perfectly in English. I have never felt so understood. It is so awesome to ‘mix crayons’ as you put it and hopefully one day we will mix chromosones ;-)

    If you have the keys to a German SUV, I suggest you hop on and go for the ride of your life!

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    1. I’m a widow and is thinking of going out with a German dude. He’s lived in the States for 17 years, is such a gorgeous looking guy, romantic, thoughtful, and polite. I’m scared because I’m 11 years older than he, so even though I look 20 yrs. younger, I’m conscious that he’s only 11 yrs. older than my oldest son. He says he doesn’t give a damn, insists he loves me and will take care of me. This article made me laugh so hard, but it somehow tells me of things to come, for which I thank you.
      I’ll save this blog for him to read…lol

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  25. This post makes me mad that my German mom and Indian father settled in India. All I get is to stare at German dudes once a year or so xD

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  26. Pingback: Criminal Compatibility: Why German-American Couples Make the Best Match – Oh God, My Wife Is German.

  27. I ‘m coming from a slightly different angle. I’m a gay man dating a native German guy living in the US who is my muse for writing this entry. His father was a US serviceman and his mother is from Germany, granting my guy dual citizenship. He moved to the US at 29 with his family. As it stands, his father is more comfortable in the US and his mother has resigned herself to having occasional visits back home (Deutschland) since she had to renounce her German citizenship to become an US citizen in order to stay with her husband. This puts him in a dilemma: whether to stay close to his family whom he loves, or move back home where he would prefer to live. In short, he lived long enough in Germany to develop “typical” cultural traits and long enough to evaluate what the USA has to offer.

    Although I don’t like to stereotype, I have to agree with almost everything that has been said on this blog. Every German guy I have been with did/does seem to share similar culture-based personality traits, starting with having a certain amount of distance or “coldness” about them. However, in this US society where over-gooshiness & drama exists in over-abundance, I personally find a sense of decorum extremely refreshing and attractive! Also, when there is an expression of emotion, I know I can trust that it’s coming from an authentic place.

    Sexuality just exudes from any of the German men I’ve had the good fortune to be with and its not entirely reliant on his looks. They have a certain commanding presence, balanced with a firm yet tender seductiveness. PDAs seems to be as natural as breathing. I didn’t notice the ‘not accepting compliments well’ until I read this blog, but, yes it does seem to fit. However, they still require a certain level of ego stroking at the same time. Sex time is when they seem to excel; becoming out-and-out freaks (in a good way). There’s no shame in their game. The word “inclusiveness” comes to mind: they know what they want and actively pursue the means to achieve their ends while still keeping their partners actively involved and both of their needs satisfied at the same time. A German man is out to show that he is the best and will go out of his way to prove it (after comparing notes with my hetero sister, we are in total agreement). Go to bed with a German, and chances are, you won’t be disappointed: they know what they’re doing and that there’s more than the 2 “standard” sexual positions of doggie & missionary, and more than one speed of “full-ramming-speed-ahead”. For all the credit that Italians and French get for being such great lovers, my sister and myself agree that they can’t hold a flame to even a mediocre German.

    Yes, a lack of daily showers and the abuse of deodorant and cologne is true by our US standards. I don’t know if my personal sampling is representative enough to make my following statement true or if the guys I’ve been with have been “Americanized”, but the once-a-week shower statement is stretching it a bit. A shower every day didn’t happen except for every few days before they actually became rank, after the gym, and after sex seems to be the norm. In my opinion, most Americans have become control-freaks trying to dominate everything including their bodies (except their poor eating habits and therefore the US obesity epidemic). We (the US population as a whole) don’t enjoy the simple basics that nature has to offer such as the pure musky/pheromone scent of a real man (I’m not talking rank… even I have my limits).

    The foreskin debate is ridiculous; it goes on here, there, and everywhere. It’s all a question of personal preference. To chime in with my preference, it’s uncut, hands down, because the guys seem to get into sex a lot more, the friction issue that was brought up does “cum” into play, and in my humble opinion, an uncut penis just looks heathier/sexier (this coming from a standard-issue cut US guy) .

    So to wrap it up: yes, they are compartmentalized because they understand there is a time and a place for everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING as in diverse). They are stoic by nature, but more than make up for it during their abundant moments of passion. I’ve always found them very intelligent, well-bred, well-rounded, adventurous, culturally mature, and kinky… very kinky by our puritan US standards (making them a hell of a lot more imaginative, varied, and over-the-top exciting)… in a word: HOT; physically, mentally, and emotionally! What others see as faults, I see as advantages/strengths: either because they are out-and-out strengths, or because said traits are the underlying foundation that supports the positive attributes. I’ve never in my 53 years entertained the idea of a formal public declaration of commitment/marriage, yet right now I’m ready to do it: drop everything and move with my 37y.o. Aryan Adonis to Germany, the “homeland” he so misses and allow him to be as happy with life as he has made me by simply letting me into his!

    P.S. I’m only speaking from my own experience which does support the general opinion of this post. I also know that for every “rule” there are exceptions and there are a**hole German men floating around out there. However, because of both my and my sisters’ personal experiences (exactly how many is that? we’re both a bit ashamed to say) have all been favorable, I’d like to think the laws of probability show the exceptions are few-and-far-between!

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  29. You are, without a doubt, the funniest blog writer I have ever witnessed. I had to take a deep breath so many times from laughing so hard. I can’t even begin to comprehend how someone can be this consistently hysterical. I don’t live in Germany nor do I have anything to do with the country in any way, but I am signing up for your blogs simply Bc I want to read your thoughts. You are a one of a kind writer.

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  30. I fucking died at, “That’s why in Germany you’re so likely to run into a tall, smart, handsome bastard with the soul of a virgin nerd.”

    IT’S SO TRUE 100% TRUE LOOOOOOOOOOL

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  31. Hey! Thanks for posting this, i find it beneficial and I hope that I can sorta take the opportunity to pick some collective thoughts from here on my situation? 0:-)

    I’m a Malaysian female, 31. I met a German, 33 online. He is currently working in Malaysia.

    We talked quite a fair bit about stuffs like what we like in a partner, what we want in the future etc. Mostly he asked stuff like if I want marriage, children etc, twice. We talked about quite a number of things revolving the future, quirks, pet peeves and I guess we kind of compared notes on how we like it in bed (he asked mostly). He even told me, in general, that he’s ready to provide for his family.

    He thinks I’m great, we’ve only been chatting for 5days. He wants to see me but I’ve made it clear that I dont like to jump into anything physical and later figure out the details, try to make it work and later have the whole thing explode but in any case, meeting at this point isn’t something I’d want just yet. I’ve also told him very honestly what a hot mess I am right now with an on again off again relationship – i told him everything as is because,that’s just how I roll. I think he’s sweet and has been very understanding. He seems very honest and to the point, which I like.

    I’m just wondering, is this guy for real? 5 days with a hot mess and he’s already telling me how much he likes me, he even once said he loves me after I was telling him how I handle and view things in life, relationship etc. He says he thinks my thoughts are great and he shares them exactly. I thought German guys are shy but he seems to come on pretty strong and fast.

    I’d like to see more of him as I find him lovable but I’d rather pace it, taking one step at a time. What do you guys think? Is this guy for real or its a fling he’s looking for?

    Thanks a bunch!

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  32. Germans are beyond HORRIBLE in bed!!!! Cold detached selfish robotic narcissistic and this is just the start of my rant. No sexy latino dance moves, no suave american flirtiness, no kinky dutch fun foreplay. A nation without empathy (who is know for their brutality) leads to one sided painful bad boring penetration. Their good looks never helped them develop any sweet seduction moves. They never had to pick up a women based on charm. Prostitution and porn taught them to give quick hard pinches on the nipples slap on the vjayjay and yeah you should be ready for us. Take my uber alles dick. Trust me you don’t want to hear them dirty talk in that harsh gross language. Eye contact is cold guarded or non existant. They are judgemental like your neighbors. Uggh. HORRIBLE. I miss American men!!!

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    2. I happen to believe that through a heartfelt conversation or dinner with another person, it’s fairly easy to conclude how they’ll likely behave in bed. So I wonder… Do you think, perhaps, that your seemingly large number of horrible experiences in bed with German men speak more to your alarmingly low standards than the actual culture of halfway decent Germans?

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    3. Sounds like you’re not a hottie, seductive or talented which explains why the dudes want to get the ordeal over with as quickly as possible – basically shoot and leave. In fact it sounds like you are pretty useless in bed, not initiating any moves, foreplay or delightful games. That can only suggest that you are self-conscious, boring and unimaginative. Sad.

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    5. The fact that your wife married you may give the rest of these woman some indication of what to expect from a German. I lived in Germany for 4 years. Sure, the German men may be tall if you happen to come from the “Shire”. I am convinced that all the strong, tall German men were killed off in the War. As far as German men speaking English, in my experience, the females were more inclined to speak English than the men. In fact, I tried talking to this guy, he was about as tall as me, but ok looking, he looked me straight in the face and said, in Deutsch, he hated English. The majority of German woman preferred American men over the German man. I would prefer a non English speaking, indigenous man from an unknown tribe in the middle of no where that wore a grass skirt over a German man.

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    6. I would pound your vagina like a Nähmaschine, Mami. Afterwards you can have some of the good Maschinenöl.

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  33. To be honest, the USA and possibly Canada, are probably more the odd-ones-out in terms of circumcision for non-religious reasons. But I do add a maybe, as I’m not so sure about Asia or Africa.
    In the Ireland and the UK (I’m a dual citizen so have experience in both), and what I’ve experienced from my travels and correspondence in Europe, circumcision isn’t that common. It’s just the European way of life.
    I guess it’s what you’re used to that seems like it’s what everyone else should do and is the “normal” thing to do. For us, we find it strange to be circumcised for any other reason than religion or medical reasons. We don’t see it as more hygienic or “better-looking”. For you guys in the US, it probably seems strange not to be circumcised and looks strange as hell.
    Actually, it wasn’t until I was in my mid-teens (which is only like three or four years ago, I’m only 18 aha), that I realised Americans actually normally circumcised their dicks, and finally understood why gay porn always had a “uncut” and “cut” section — I never realised what the terms meant. Though, being honest, I grew up quite sheltered with very prudent religious parents so that may explain some of that.
    But altogether, I really liked this post. I’ve loved Germany since I started studying the language when I was 13. I absolutely hate the stereotypes. Most Germans I have met are kind, funny and in general very open-minded; fun loving as well.

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  35. Seemingly some people did value more in the ancient country Tacitus termed Germania, than merely spieler named Gomez and Ozul. Consider: “saying:

    And what have we now in Germany? A land of bankers and car-makers. Even our great army has gone soft. Soldiers wear beards and question orders. I am not ashamed to say I believed in National Socialism. I still wear the Iron Cross with diamonds Hitler gave me. But today in all Germany you can’t find a single person who voted Adolf Hitler into power … Many Germans feel guilty about the war. But they don’t explain the real guilt we share – that we lost.” — Hanna Reitsch, 1970. Best of luck with your blog about banking, technology and sexual profligacy. Did you ever query (sic) American Hominid why Arno Breker sculpted the male penis so small — it was to reflect der Gelassenheit (a mind fixed on higher concerns.) But then we do live in The Mark Zuckerberg Century, do we not, as Syberberg reminds us. Devoid of romantics poets and thinkers in the “kingdom” (lest I be not PC and use the high German word), you as an American idiot should feel right at home.

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  36. Excellent! I think you nailed it with the prudishness section. I keep trying to explain that going to a sauna full of naked people isn’t “pervy” over here and that in general the more mature attitude to sex is a healthy thing. Even if those of us with an Anglo-Saxon upbringing can never quite rid ourselves of that secret inner-giggling about seeing titties, titties.

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    2. I ended up in a sauna with a bunch of old, hairy German guys. I left immediately. Being old is okay, but too much body hair makes me gag, literally,

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  37. I just found your blog! Just read this article and was sad I came so late to the party but it seems like it’s still going on! I literally laughed out loud with this post, read it to my German husband… he smirked, looked away and changed the topic…. you were so spot on!

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  38. I had the fright of my life when a drunk german dude kissed me against my will. They totally revolve my stomach!! I prefer your graphic design section. Looking forward to go back to Argentina.

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  39. Yeah, I don’t think this rings true for ALL German men. Just like in America, you have some iffy German guys as well. And I personally think, that I have found the king of all that’s iffy in Germany. Literally speaking, he’s the COMPLETE opposite of being sexy and sexually adventurous. And as far as Interracial relationships are going, I think it depends on where you are in Germany. I think where I live, there’s maybe a handful, but I know PLENTY of German ladies who flock to American men, especially the Black soldiers, like thots on fire.

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      1. Ja, danke. I had to re-read it. I do recall seeing you writing that. Have a great Sunday. I hope it’s not too cold in your neck of the woods. The weather here in Bayern can’t make up its mind.😑

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  40. I agree with most of the points in the blog, except for the humble part. I’m married to a German man and, as much as I love him to pieces, humble isn’t a word I would use to describe him. I don’t like to make sweeping generalisations but I have found many Germans have quite a big ego. It’s not that it’s a bad thing necessarily, but there is this level of privilege or superiority that I notice in my dealings with German people every time I visit Germany. However, I am Australian and we are typically known for being the opposite to egocentric – down to earth, friendly, modest etc. So perhaps it’s just magnified to me because of where I come from and what I am used to.

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  41. Where do I get to meet them? LOL! I met one for coffee and fell in love with how the conversation went. He was doing round the world trip. I live in Sydney by the way. Would not mind meeting one.

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  42. Loved the article. Couldn’t agree more with everything you said. It was like describing that German dude I came to know. I was a virgin (raised and lived in a VERY conservative country) until I met this hot German dude somewhere where we were stuck together for 4 days. We instatly hit it off on the first day, I think we really connected because we were both well educated and well traveled. The second day was just a continuation of the first. But, the third day nailed it. It’s probably the built up attraction, his sexy intellect, the peircing set of eyes that can make me follow its every command, or probably just the booze but it definitely scored sexy that night. I could tell the confusion and disbelief when he learned I was a virgin. But he was really a sensitive and caring; made sure we were both getting the pleasures that we seek. After the deed he even walked me home and gave me a sweet kiss before letting me go. Just a pity because after the fourth day (where we sort of did not have a chance to get together more) we had to go back to our own lives half way around the world from each other. Even though we still sporadically communicate from time to time it probably would be just another fling. Ergo am still single AF but somehow glad a German dude was my first. :P

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  43. I need some feedback from German men here. I recently met a German Man accidentally and we had some awkward moments. I could see that he was so high…. (he tried to look away but he kept looking deep in my eyes). I am an attractive educated Indian women with a Spanish look. But attracting German man was last thing on my mind. Now I am curious about you guys. Yes i am chirpy very friendly open person and talkative and he is just an opposite.

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      2. I want to know what is their idea of an Asian women? he speaks very little but whenever speaks, makes a a lot of sense. Should I not communicate with him unless he is reaching to me on his own. (we already confessed to each other of our mutual liking)

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    1. No way. As long as there is a good hygiene, I will love to rub my nose in the foreskin and joggle it around a bit. It looks better too. But I will tell you European men I see aren’t as handy and capable as American men. I’d rather a man who can TCB than some intellectual unhandy dude. Probably describing an Irishman but the smoking and drinking, no way. But I like the uncut man.

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  46. Ok, but for number 5 what does your wife think?! Does she prefer it to what she was used to? If you ever have a boy will you have him cut?

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  48. I think most of German Dudes are attractive compared to Other caucasians. But for me, the men with color skin like Middle eastern and Latino are hotter. And in my opinion circumcision is about cleanliness, you can find “things” beneath the uncut skin but when it’s cut, it’s clean.

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    1. ‘when it’s cut it’s clean’

      Holy shit! You could say the same about women. A shower before sex is a good idea for all concerned!

      I also had an ex gf tell me that she thinks uncut guys are cleaner because they know how to look after themselves. She complained that some cut guys think they don’t have to wash and that a clean head is no help if you have sweaty stinky balls.

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  49. Where are the good looking German men, I think I may kiss my celibacy good-bye! Leaving in 15 days for my Germany new life venture! And although I was in Germany for 10 days, I noticed the good looking ones were a bit too young for me! Was contemplating on a dating site, but not sure which one to use? Great article though! : )

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  50. Germans men are disgusting smelling idiots I’ve been in country for almost 3 years and rarely meet one worth even having a conversation with same with the women I’d know since I am marrying one.

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  51. I am sooooo glad I stumbled upon your blog when I googled “dating a German man”. This is the first time that laughed uncontrollably over an online article. Your writing is awesome. I had so much fun reading and you gave me a great insight about this wonderful German guy that I met in a dating app. He’s so endearing and I just wanted to learn more about his culture so I can relate and communicate with him better. He already expressed his intent to visit Manila again in October to see me and I’m looking forward to meeting him in person. The comments left by your readers are very perceptive as well. :) Thank you all so much!

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  52. I’ve always found ethnic German men’s fair skin very attractive, (well those who are in shape). I like those with swimmer’s or even bodybuilder’s bodies and fair skin, GOD that drives me crazy. However in today’s politically-correct climate we’re not supposed to say stuff like that. Oh well.

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      1. I wish I had your humor. Many blessings to you and your wife, and stay safe out there in Germany!

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  54. Spot on buddy! I am a 27 yr old female from florida.I met a german on vacation in Mexico and I totally fell in love with his demeanor and freakishly handsome good looks. He is very humble about work and schooling. Straightfoward but very polite. I noticed he is very unaware of how great he is.Best sex I ever had hands down!! Stylish as hell too. He is 29. Now I’ll be visiting Germany for a month to spend some time with him and see if the culture is the same as you say. Phenomenal writing, I really enjoyed the humor while reading!!!

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  55. Circumcision isn’t practiced in Germany in the same way that it isn’t much practiced in most of Europe and, indeed, most of the world. Why would it be? Worldwide, the vast majority of circumcisions are performed by Muslims, Jews, North Americans, and various indigenous tribes.

    “Uncircumcised dicks are fucking disgusting”. What exactly is so disgusting about the human penis? Do you think “uncircumcised” vulvas are disgusting too? What other body parts do you think are so disgusting that they should be removed at birth?

    Some might argue that it is “fucking disgusting” to strap down a baby boy and cut up his genitals, destroying healthy erogenous tissue, often without any or adequate anaesthetic. (All the while, it is illegal to so much as prick a girl’s clitoris with a pin!)

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  56. Wow! Oh my god! I am soooo moving to Germany. As a gay dude, cockiness is a huge turn off. There is not enough humbleness over here in the states. Everything else you listed was spot on what I’d like in a man. I’m still a little iffy about #5, but besides that yes, yes, and yes! Well I’m going to get packing! 😉😂

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    2. As a gay dude you are “iffy” about uncut? I suggest you do some research on genital anatomy and foreskin functions. As a gay dude, I can tell you: Nature knows best. (“Baby, I was born that way!”)

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      2. Ha! Ha! Nice! I don’t care either way just not very common here in the states. Honestly I have no opinion on the matter😂

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  57. Love this blog and this article in particular! As well as all the comments and OGM’s responses 😂😂😂
    This post is 100% – german men are indeed basically hot nerdy adonis’, unaware of their superiority in almost every respect over men around the world 😍 Well, at least here in England anyways! As a Brit I can say there is a WORLD of difference between german men and ours, despite being our distant cousins. What’s most insane is Germans are still often the focus of jokes and ridicule by the brits, despite the fact that they are superior to us in almost every way. I mean, have you seen our men lately?! A British 9 is a German 6! And that’s not even including height.
    German guys just have a solemness, openess and maturity to them that I also think comes down to the collective/inherited guilt thing. They’re laid back and understated but their intellect, attention to detail and straightforwardness prevent them from being vacuous dudes like the aussies or emotionally constipated and closed off like the brits. I notice it most when travelling and staying in hostels. Always, ALWYAYS there’ll be the American holding court in the centre of the room talking the most/loudest giving everyone his opinion, the Aussie stoned out his head guffawing, the french guy complaining (usually about the food), and then the tall, sexy and smart german guy watching it all 😍 They’re not concerned about being seen as ‘cool’ or perving over any female that crosses their path..they’re basically men as opposed to chest thumping little boys! Obvs I’m generalising but you get my drift.
    With regards to #5, over here it’s actually considered pretty weird to cut a chunk off your penis…only Muslims and Jew’s do that 😬 I’d never even seen a circumcised penis until I was 25 and even then he only had it done for medical reasons and was very self conscious about it lol (he was British) Just the words ‘cutting’ and ‘penis’ in the same sentence makes me feel queasy, it’s kinda sordid to be taking a pair of scissors to your junk 🤢😷

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  58. Pingback: 5 Reasons Why You Should Totally Have Sex with a German Chick – Oh God, My Wife Is German.

  59. “[…]That’s why in Germany you’re so likely to run into a tall, smart, handsome bastard with the soul of a virgin nerd.[…]”?! Your post made my day. You just made me want to go to Germany!

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  60. All these posts about stereotypes of men. Germany is a highly populated country, very dense, and so is also the diversity of people. Stop generalizing. Men are men. Growing up in western world, mostly without real and deep religious faith, without financial difficulties, with access to proper education and the Internet, there was never a time before when people were more similar than *now*. There are slight tendencies about the common way of social interaction like dating, but that’s just something you adapt to your environment and not a character trait. Let’s compare people from NA/US across all the states. Wouldn’t you find totally different behaving people in all kind of aspects? Sure, you will, pretty likely even more than in Germany or other more densely populated countries. West coast is different from East coast, not to talk about Texas and other conservative states.

    So generalizing people is trash. You can’t even do this for people in countries with a highly different culture than Western World culture, where religion is super predominant, sharia is above everything and girls are not allowed to leave the house. Even there are a lot of people are totally different than others and not all Muslims are uneducated cameleers. Comparing people in the western world and telling “that people from there are so, and people from here are crap and smell” – that’s really nothing but bullshit and mostly triggered by personal frustration and fail. There are many women in the world leaving their countries to get higher-value-men in a different country than their own. They don’t want to accept that their sexual-value might be not so high as well. Go ahead, do whatever you want to do, all fine, I wish you success. But don’t blame men for your overestimation and failure rate and then generalize even about countries. That’s just primitive thinking. Men are not women toys, we know what we want, if it’s not you, fucking deal with it, we men do that all the time.

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      2. Because my parents found it to be the better setup. I also got a couple of friends who are cut as well. So in Germany there is no rule about that. I have a friend who decided getting cut when he was already in his 20s (because of always reoccuring “issues” with his sexlife).

        What is this washing/shower thing by the way? I really don’t know of anyone who isn’t taking a shower at least once a day (sure I don’t ask people about that, but having lived in several shared flats and communities, I was very used to wait every morning because all people did use the shower. You also know it from friends when doing vacations together…). So not showering each day is pretty unusual in my opinion.

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      3. “Because my parents found it to be the better setup.”
        What does this mean?

        “I also got a couple of friends who are cut as well.”
        Why are they cut?

        “So in Germany there is no rule about that.”
        No rule about what?

        “I have a friend who decided getting cut when he was already in his 20s (because of always reoccuring “issues” with his sexlife).”
        What issues?

        “What is this washing/shower thing by the way? I really don’t know of anyone who isn’t taking a shower at least once a day (sure I don’t ask people about that, but having lived in several shared flats and communities, I was very used to wait every morning because all people did use the shower. You also know it from friends when doing vacations together…). So not showering each day is pretty unusual in my opinion.”
        I don’t know what this means.

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      4. > What does this mean?

        It means they had a favor of cut dicks, so they cut mine.

        > Why are they cut?

        I have no idea. I don’t ask people why are they shaving their butts either.

        > No rule about what?

        No rule about genital tuning.

        > What issues?

        Especially issues when doing long and intense fu**s.

        > I don’t know what this means.

        Me neither.

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      5. “It means they had a favor of cut dicks, so they cut mine.”
        What did they favour about cut dicks? Is your father cut?

        “I have no idea. I don’t ask people why are they shaving their butts either.”
        Shaving your own hair is a bit different to cutting someone else’s dick skin.

        “No rule about genital tuning.” Genital cutting, not tuning. And there are rules against female genital cutting in Germany.

        “Especially issues when doing long and intense fu**s.”
        Such as?

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  63. I am beginning to wonder …. if german men are so great, why did I (being german, lived here most of my life) married an american? My guess: it has a lot to do with their sense of humour, like your post proves….

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    1. Maybe because you felt in love? I married a turkish woman. That doesn’t necessarily mean that german women wouldn’t suit me. But on the other hand, german woman obviously raise up german men. Some decades ago their weren’t even any men alive helping to grew up the childs of the war. Now decades later when divorcing basically affects every second marriage and fathers often have issues being allowed to visit their children…. I wonder who is responsible for this devastating amount of unfunny german men…. where even Stefanie didn’t find a single funny one in her whole life! I hope for your children, Stefanie, that the funny genes of your man will be dominant when clashing with your german sad ones! :-)

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  65. For those saying Germans are cold in bed, I can vouch for the current German guy l’m dating that he’s really selfless in bed and love going down on me (he spends way more time than me on him), so gooood 😉
    Also he’s uncut

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  66. I really enjoyed reading this. I was only curious because I recently met a guy who happens to be German and he has mentioned most of what you said which is actually pretty cool. Not trying to say I want to get with him or anything *nervous laugh* but now I have an interest in Germany.

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  67. This article was pretty awesome, except I live with two german guys and they are the most arrogant, self centered, robotic, easily triggered, emotionless buttcheeks on the face of the earth. One of them grew up in Germany during WWII so maybe that has something to do with it. But I have seen some flashes of kindness, key word some, but mostly just cold-heartedness. But #2 was spot on as they are extremely smart concerning math and science. They also feel the need to write everything down and record it.

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  68. I had been thinking of trying Germany for awhile now, but I have questions. They are much better looking on the whole than American men, and I have a feeling I will like them more. I have some practical questions though. Will I be able to get around not knowing German, or if I learn minimal German – I’m thinking maybe in the big cities like Berlin. What would be a good way to meet men – just go to some bars? Online? Here, you don’t get good quality with online dating. What would be the best cities to meet men? What kind of temporary jobs are there? Do the men discriminate on age? I mean would want to date you, not just sleep with you. I’m older, though I look 15 years younger, being Asian and having healthy habits.

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  69. By the way, I have been eating animal fats (bacon, Porterhouse steak) and full-fat dairy for several years, and have lost around my middle. I am slender and fit. It’s the quality of how the animals were raised. Are they eating their natural diet; are they truly raised on pasture? We are given lots of wrong information about what is healthy in the US, which is why so many people are out-of-shape, prematurely aging, have bad skin, and still get heart attacks and cancer — even though they eat low-fat or no-fat, low calories. It’s time to question what we were taught in mainstream media and education.

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  71. Omg; I loved reading your article. It was very insightful and informative about german men. And you are very humorous I laughed so hard and loud. Some of your talking points were hilariously soooooo funny. I’ve been conversing with a german/african man (father is german) online for about three weeks now, who happen to be a General in the military. He’s extremey nice, thoughtful, considerate, attractive, smart, and appears to be genuine based on his conversation. So, I was curious about learning and getting some insight about german men and their culture. You wrote an awesome and appealing article that grabs the readers attention. Love it and keep writing; definitely grabbed my attention!

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  72. Having lately been having the best kind of casual sex ever with a very tall charming smart German, in New Zealand, I can whol heartedly agree!

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    2. We made the most of the limited time we had. I will miss you when you go back to England and it will be hard to find someone that turns my desires into reality like you did.

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  73. Well, I am a german girl (born and raised by germans in germany) and apart from all the stuff with ‘not every german dudes are the same, we have many different individuals as well’ and bla bla bla that I don’t wanna discuss here, I wanna say the following:

    1. German average size doesn’t fit what you’ve experienced because you are in the northern part of Germany. Even the germans themselves consider the folk there as much taller than the southern and eastern people (the north-western part where I am seems to be a cit above average but not like the ents)

    2. Surprisingly, many german girls (especially those bitchy, plastic girly-girls) prefer guys of let’s say a latino type or something like that. They are amazed of the considered temperament of e.h. spanish people and most of all: italians. Personally I absolutely like the humble and reluctant way they are raised to be like, but many german chicks seem to be bored by it. Many of the girls WITH niveau anyway like the humble way they act, their honesty and charmant behaviour. But also among niveaufull girls it’s a question of taste. And hey – german niveauless bitches can still have the german niveauless guys, who don’t act like you described it at all.

    3. Last but not least: Hell yessss, I like nerds. And the compartiveness, it allows you to live out so many different facettes of yourself

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  74. That was most frank and entertaining blog I’ve had the pleasure of reading in a very long time. Thank you for the the insight on German men and culture. I loved reading it!

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  75. I agree in everything you said about German men except for one thing. I dated a German guy on and off in the last 21 years. I met him when I was 29 and naturally at that time I felt uncomfortable looking at his penis uncircumsized. In the years the followed, I was serious when I asked him that if we ever marry, he must get it cut. This was unimaginable to him as he has incredible sensitivity being it not exposed but shown willingness to make me happy. We stopped seeing each other for 9 years and just very recently got back together. I’m now 50 and in the middle of experiencing pre menopausal stage. All my close female friends have expressed their need for lubricant as we women in general as our hormones fade, we also become dry down there. Now this is where the benefits of being uncircumsized came to light. He became my lubricant and intimacy with him is nothing like I’d experienced compared to circumsized men. I’m truly so fortunate that I didn’t enforce him to be cut. I’m now benefitting from it and enjoying it versus my female friends my age where intimacy with them is painful without natural lubrication.

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  76. Thank your mother and father for losing sensitivity to your penis, uncovered penis lose sensitivity and sexual stimulation due to the fact that head is exposed and doesn’t not have the hood to protect it…..God created our bodies and equipment with a purpose. Being circumcised I still loved oral stimulation and how inserting the uncovered head into a vagina creates a sensation that you probably experienced at early age but as adult as decreased…..please dont circumsisize your children and ruin their sexual experience.

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  77. Wow… I don’t think I’ve laughed this much at a blog post. This was hysterical! Still don’t think I’ll intentionally hunt down a German guy, but thanks for the heads up!

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  79. I visited Germany a few times and must agree, German guys are of the hottest, sexiest creatures. I would not mind a once-off hookup with a German dude, but I am married. Max Riemelt exemplifies the hot German guy.

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  80. Happy 2019!😂😂 That’s how late I am! I’ll have you know that I purely enjoyed your blog! You have a great sense of humor and I could tell that you’ve attracted fans and haters who possess the same level of humor as you do! 😂 It’s obvious what led me here but I’m not going to elaborate…Let’s just say my future looks “fair” and bright! 😉

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  81. Oh gosh, as a European (Italian) I almost choked with laughers while reading this piece! Very funny but there are tons of things that are pretty common all over Europe as a whole Including France, Italy, Spain, Scandinavian countries, British… no, I didn’t sleep with all the countries in Europe) :D For example, the uncut question… is in reverse for the Europeans dating Americans (or Jewish). We are like WTH? Were is your beanie man? you’ll catch a cold! For us is totally normal for a guy to be uncut and super weird when we don’t see “the beanie”. For the rest, I can attest is all true. German guys are real gems :) Especially for ladies used to the macho men/Latin Lover (I’m Italian, I know what am I talking about). Great read! By the way, it just occurred to me that a long time ago I featured one of your funny stories in one of my articles (I think it was getting a haircut or going to a barber in Turkey or something)? You can’t say you don’t have a sense of humor, that’s for sure! Cheers

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  87. I love your article! This is so true and funny, I have laughed several times when reading.

    I come from HongKong originally which has a very similar culture like in US (bragging is really normal). When I first came here, I felt the difference. The German people are so humble!

    My German husband is 180cm tall. He told me this height is normal here, not considered as very tall. In Hong Kong, the average is maybe 170 cm or so. So for me, German guys are very tall.

    I read your article together with my husband and had a good laugh together. Thank you!

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  88. Circumcision is morally wrong. Moreover, uncut dicks look better. A shining pinky head, no scars, more pleasure and natural lube, it’s so much better. It should be on the same level as FGM because it’s also a mutilation.

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  89. I happened across this blog and I am screaming! I have been craving German dudes ever since I had some uncut Serb-Croat sausage. It was tangy and the tip looked a bit strange like a condom puled on with just enough room at the top to catch that hot stuff.

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  90. The guy that wrote this Nazi shit is some kind of liberal fag..even worse a german.. I speak for all of south florida… we tend to think of GERMAN men as somewhat ugly…and they have small penises.. I’m proud to be a a very handsome MACHO well built by nature AMERICAN.. And I have had limited sex..ok in a virgin but I will soon be married and my CUBAN American wife to be and me are glad it’s like this… tall skinny blonde? yecch! it’s a vulgar look to me! I’ve watched GERMAN men come to miami and the style they where is to boring..big thick socks in tropical MIAMI! and they come across as sissys! men are men… And are we aware of the std problem in cowardly Nazi land? as an American I’m comfortable with spainyards..italians..irish..poland people… all non cowardly naturally handsome good fighting people that retain their strength from Holy Bible and a society that rejects liberalism! AND Israel as well…. Most cool Americans are some what bores and sickened by the character of the german, they just do not click in USA.. NO MATTER WHAT THIS SICK DONG LOVER THAT WROTE THIS SAYS..HES A WASHED OUT FRUIT. TONY DONAVAN AND HUMBERTO CERVANTES OF MIAMI FLORIDA.

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    2. How’s that virginity working out for you whilst American girls pump the juice out of powerful, meaty German pagan cocks?

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  91. I have been in Frankfurt am Main in late 2014 and I recall taking the subway in a cold and dark night of November. I spoke no German whatsoever and I was struggling to understand the directions on the chart attached in one of the walls. I was with this girl friend (not girlfriend) of mine; she was trying to get over a shitty Bolivian ex-boyfriend she had recently had and I was just enjoying the opportunity to tourist a while.

    I was carefully reading the chart when this stunning German guy stood by my side and started to read the chart as well. He was about my age (I was 23 back then), as average-sized as I am, pink cheeks, deep ocean blue eyes, hair as black as the night itself, marvelous white teeth. He was gorgeous! I felt my heart bumping like it was going to explode.

    We locked eyes with each other for a few seconds and he gave me most gorgeous smile I had seen so far in old Europe and said, “Hallo!”, to which I replied with what I believe it was a sensual Brazilian smile and another “Hallo”. And that was it. He checked on me a last time, said “Tschüss!” and departed. And I stood there, totally bewitched, looking that prince go away to nevermore.

    You see, back then I was a closeted homosexual man who have never had homosexual intercourse before. Gosh, I have never kissed a guy before! My first one was with a Czech soldier in February 2015, when I approached him during his watch in the Old Town (another absolutely charming man, but he was blonde with emerald eyes and shorter than me). As any closeted gay, I was petty and coward and didn’t have the guts to pursue a man upon whom has been laid my interest.

    It’s been almost 5 years now, and I cherish this memory. I still have his face clearly stamped in my mental archives. I have never known his name, nor has him known mine, but I wonder what could have happened if I had had enough courage to go after him, invite him over to our apartment that nightor at least to a drink.

    German men are absolute wonders!

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  92. My wife is Merican and grew up with the somewhat strange myths regarding normal, natural cock. She now has been converted and loves and worships it. She would never would get a son cut.

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  93. Pingback: 9 Reasons to NOT Marry / Date a German
  94. Pingback: 9 Reasons NOT to Date / Marry a German

  95. few remarks.
    1. “why germans are uncut” – what the hell? Like this act of genital mutilation is a default?!? the correct question would be, why so many US citizens are subjected to such barbaric procedure. Sorry to say this, but it’s Germans who have normal dick. It is yours that is not normal.
    2. germans are anything but humble. They might have been humble to you, an american citizen. They are not so humble to people who they consider lesser than themselves – people east from their borders. 3. This apparent diversity and mixed couples, it’s just a part of virtue signaling. Showing off how open to other cultures they are. And this is paying off only if that other culture is exotic and the person has different skin color. Showing some respect to lithuanian, pole or ukrainian doesn’t pay off in terms of creating own personal image, you can’t brag how antiracist you are if you support a fair-skinned, blonde lithuanian, so they are much less opened.
    3. Germans are compliant to authority. Always were. This is probably one of reasons how nazism rose to power. Average German does not think for himself. He looks up to authority. I’m not saying that Germany does not have remarkable individuals or free thinkers, but it has fewer of them and they have much less impact, than in other western countries. This compliance is both source of the order and prosperity, as well as a source of worst atrocities and disasters in history. 2014; government says russian gas good – germans think russian gas good. 2015: government says immigrants good – germans think immigrants good. 2016: government says nuclear energy bad (against all the common sense) – germans think nuclear energy bad (at the same time claiming to be concerned about CO2 emissions). 2020: governments says immigrants not so good anymore – germans think immigrants not so good anymore…

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  96. May I just say that you are the most entertaining writer I have ever encountered. I never feel the need to comment, but I enjoyed this post so much I will read it again and again. Please keep writing I can’t wait to read what you write next.

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