Pictures: Expat Couple Visits St. Pauli’s Red Light District in Hamburg, Germany
Welcome to the Free and Hanseatic City of Hamburg, the second largest city in Germany, where you can legally pay someone to touch your pork roll.
On March 23rd, 2013, The Wife and I took a day trip to Hamburg. We rode the Metronome (or “slow train,” as we affectionately refer to it) north for about one hour, changed lines in Uelzen, then rode another hour to Hamburg.
When we first arrived, I was struck by the extent to which Hamburg reminded me of Seattle. It was beautiful, with a lively and colorful bay rife with wide-eyed tourists staggered about in circles. However, where Seattle has hills and skyscrapers, Hamburg has cargo cranes and a world-famous red light district. The red light district surrounds the street called Reeperbahn, which runs right through the St. Pauli quarter of the city. St. Pauli used to make me think of St. Pauli Girl beer (which is actually brewed in Bremen). Now, Saint Pauli makes me think of a slightly intimidating neighborhood where a couple of euros gets your bone smooched.
The Red Light District of St. Pauli is best seen at night, or so I was advised, enthusiastically, by the German guy I spoke with at the Restaurant Fischerhaus. Sure enough, there were neon signs and crazy porno storefronts everywhere, so I imagine the effect at night would be much like that of the Las Vegas Strip, where my every sense is subjected to a spectacular display of Shock and Awe. And much like the Las Vegas Strip, I wanted to spend just enough time on Reeperbahn street to have a beer, take a few pictures and get the hell out of there before shit got weird.
Here are our pictures. We hope you can dig ’em!
Here’s the Uelzen Train Station on the way to Hamburg. Some artist named Friedensreich Hundertwasser designed this crazy bastard. Inside it’s like a trippy little Shire, and the hobbits are clearly off the wagon.
We arrived! This is likely the first thing you’ll see in the Hamburg train station… and it may very well be the last thing you remember.
The Hamburg Hauptbahnhof. Look at that sucker. Why is the ceiling so high? Ventilation? It made me feel like Pinocchio inside the whale.
As you exit the Central Station, you’ll pass under this giant clock. Always note the time, because you might be frightened and hauling ass when it comes time to leave Hamburg.
That’s the Port of Hamburg; a menagerie of cranes, cruise liners, container vessels and luxury yachts arranged to confound and disorient the average tourist.
That’s a lot of cranes, man. Some of them are for cargo and some are for construction, but any one of them could drop something heavy on a skittish American tourist and his tiny German wife.
There are all sorts of museums and tunnels under the Port of Hamburg, and their entrance fees are prohibitively expensive. (Also, I hate spending money on anything but beer and iTunes credits.)
You can take a tour of that U-Boat right there. You’ll pay €12 euros to relive the horrors of Das Boot and they don’t even serve beer.
This should be about the last picture of the shipyard cranes. Sorry. But now we all know where to go when we need to winterize our yachts, right? Right guys…?
I think we all knew this picture was coming: Brewdoggies at the famous Fischerhaus Restaurant. MAN it was cold that day. Even with a blanket on our laps, we didn’t last too long outside.
This was taken inside the Restaurant Fischerhaus. Look at that man. That is a large man. You could fit an entire American tourist inside him, plus his German wife, and still leave room for dessert.
There’s the Reeperbahn street sign, pointing us toward the Red Light District and all kinds of trouble. (Especially the kind of trouble where you’re butt nekid.)
And here’s Reeperbahn street itself. Not too crazy during the daytime, but I could already smell the nasty promises coming off those heart-shaped neon signs.
Look at those crazy dildos. Are they for “him” or for “her?” I don’t know! I feel like I just stumbled into Herpes Disneyland!
Die Polizei, sitting peacefully right in the middle of the Red Light District. I don’t know why, but this picture warms my American heart.
My wife told me people can DEFINITELY get horizontal in that building in the middle. I kept asking her if she could tell for sure. I wanted absolute proof, you see, because some part of my Puritanically rooted brain still struggles to accept the fact that prostitution is legal here. (Exactly the way God intended.)
This is the entrance to the famous alley where you can — no doubt about it — pay your hard-earned money to slam the Black Forest ham. I actually went in and tried to take a picture, but one of the prostitutes opened her window and told me I wasn’t allowed to do that. And seriously, just like Eve in the Garden of Eden, she was eating an apple. (And sitting there looking bored as hell, ready to just ruin shit for everybody.)
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So what I’m getting from this is that Europeans (or just Germans?) have some sexual sixth-sense? I always knew us Americans were missing out by being so repressed!
If you didn’t take a walk through the old Elbtunnel, you missed one of the best sights of Hamburg. And that U-Boot is really something to see. As for the Reeperbahn – it is SO over-rated, man. It’s crammed with drunks and tourists trying not to trip over them, and the whores! Like an ugly contest in moonboots.
Different to Amsterdam where you are allowed to wander a bit more freely – id probably be more curious and determined if someone told me I wasn’t allowed to go somewhere than if I was able to go wherever!
I know. In retrospect, I could have walked around recording video if I’d wanted. No one could have really stopped me. (Especially because the ladies probably weren’t wearing shoes, so I could just run away real quick-like.) :)
lol if they were wearing stripper heels they could do some damage (mental image of one being thrown down the street boomarang style!)
I respect that they don’t want pictures taken, same goes in Amsterdam. Guess I wouldn’t want people snapping pictures of me at work either – especially if I had my kit off!
I know. Me neither. I’d hate for people to take pictures of me as I sit in front of my computer for 10 hours per day, still wearing my pajamas and a sweatshirt with the hood pulled over my head. *shudder*
You should try going to the main Hamburg market at about five am and having the original hot dog – a frankfurter in a bun. Mind you, I was taken for this treat in 1950-something aged about seven.
How could you miss that giant model railway (featuring different countries, a model man peeing from a model bridge and a model couple making love in a model car) / model city (with moving model cars, model fire trucks, etc.) / model ocean (with model ships cruising from shore to shore) / model airport (with model airplanes taking off and landing)? Even if you don’t spend money on museums, this one is worth every penny.
That’s pretty interesting. We have a red-light district here in my little city in Korea, where it is illegal. However, it’s pretty obvious and since it’s right across the street from City Hall, everybody knows about it. I usually don’t go down there but if I do, there’s a sort of train-wreck fascination with the whole place: shop fronts set up like salons and bored-looking women standing around in slightly-revealing outfits, smoking.
I guess “expat couple” is technically incorrect, but it does sum up the fact — in one word — that we are married and at least one of us ain’t from around here. :)
Oh memories of Hamburg! My friend and I actually waited just outside of the “Sexy Angel” store for our husbands as they went to have a wander around the Reeperbahn, and as you know, women of the non-working girl variety are strictly verboten. lol
Fantastic post! I’ve been to Hamburg a fair few times and have made the very same trip on the “slow trains” stopping off at Uelzen a few times with living in Hanover, too!
I’ve been in Hannover for almost 8 months. I arrived at the beginning of September. I’m hoping my wife doesn’t make me move away from Hannover. I love it! :)
We actually only went to that one little restaurant on the water, and it wasn’t super special or anything. More like an old landmark. Sorry I can’t be of more help. Here’s a list of restaurants in Hamburg (in English): http://english.hamburg.de/restaurants/
Right, so here is a picture of that middle house, you know? And there’s three guys in the picture (one of them is inside.) Can you guess their nationalities? Well, the guy on the left is Russian. The guy on the right is Finnish. And the guy inside? Himalayan.
Sorry. This is a joke my father told me in the 60’s, and it’s not fair to keep the pain inside.
My uncle drew that picture for me when I was a kid. Thank you for the reminder! Brought me right back… of course, back then, I didn’t understand the joke. :)
*sigh* – I know some of the places your pics show, but not all of them… in particular I have to admit I didn’t like Hamburg… Compared to other German cities it’s kind of – uhm… “ugly”.
But I do like your post and all the effort you put into!!
Yeah, next time you have to see the Miniatur Wunderland. It’s not far from Hafen City, on Kehrwieder. Take a look here: http://www.miniatur-wunderland.com/ . It’s totally cool, and they are constantly expanding. They even have Vegas!
Wow… really? That’s it? If that’s already so scary and exciting at the same time I’m guessing you’ve never been to Asia, well Thailand to be exact. Haha check out Pattaya for the real deal! BTW girls are allowed at the red light district there as well, not sure about picture taking though but I guess if you don’t get anyone’s faces it might be ok.
But interesting post, didn’t know Americans were so… I wanna say “uptight” but I don’t think it’s fair, “prostitution curious”? Disclaimer: I’m Asian but not Thai.
Haha that depends on where you’re from in the US I guess, or maybe I just watched too much sex and the city and got my idea from that lol!
I don’t think Americans are square at all! Look at Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and Hollywood films and Family Guy… (this could go on for a while) Anyway, point is you guys have created a lot of great stuff. Kudos to that. :D
BTW I’m not saying that Asians are more used to prostitution, it was an eye-opener for me seeing “ladyboys” around in Thailand also. :P
Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
Ah, it all looks so familiar :)
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Does it? :)
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well, to me it does. I am German and have been in Hamburg quite a few times :)
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I see. What’s your take on the Reeperbahn? Overall impression?
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Well, I’ve only seen the Reeperbahn in daylight… I find it, I don’t know…interesting?
But I love Hamburg. It’s a beautiful city!
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That makes two of us! Thank you for stopping by!
When were you there?
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The last time I was there was last summer, I think.
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Nice!
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thanks for sharing! i love your sense of humor haha. if/when i finally get to visit germany i’ll be sure to get some travel tips from you haha. :)
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Right on! And thank you for stopping by, Stormy!
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So what I’m getting from this is that Europeans (or just Germans?) have some sexual sixth-sense? I always knew us Americans were missing out by being so repressed!
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I think they do. And instead of seeing dead people, they see sweet, sweet lovemaking. :)
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If you didn’t take a walk through the old Elbtunnel, you missed one of the best sights of Hamburg. And that U-Boot is really something to see. As for the Reeperbahn – it is SO over-rated, man. It’s crammed with drunks and tourists trying not to trip over them, and the whores! Like an ugly contest in moonboots.
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We almost went into the tunnel and the U-Boat. Next time.
And I can imagine anyone living in Hamburg might be really tired of the Reeperbahn scene. :)
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Different to Amsterdam where you are allowed to wander a bit more freely – id probably be more curious and determined if someone told me I wasn’t allowed to go somewhere than if I was able to go wherever!
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I know. In retrospect, I could have walked around recording video if I’d wanted. No one could have really stopped me. (Especially because the ladies probably weren’t wearing shoes, so I could just run away real quick-like.) :)
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lol if they were wearing stripper heels they could do some damage (mental image of one being thrown down the street boomarang style!)
I respect that they don’t want pictures taken, same goes in Amsterdam. Guess I wouldn’t want people snapping pictures of me at work either – especially if I had my kit off!
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I know. Me neither. I’d hate for people to take pictures of me as I sit in front of my computer for 10 hours per day, still wearing my pajamas and a sweatshirt with the hood pulled over my head. *shudder*
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You should try going to the main Hamburg market at about five am and having the original hot dog – a frankfurter in a bun. Mind you, I was taken for this treat in 1950-something aged about seven.
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Haw haw! Sounds awesome, Hilary. Next time I will do exactly that.
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How could you miss that giant model railway (featuring different countries, a model man peeing from a model bridge and a model couple making love in a model car) / model city (with moving model cars, model fire trucks, etc.) / model ocean (with model ships cruising from shore to shore) / model airport (with model airplanes taking off and landing)? Even if you don’t spend money on museums, this one is worth every penny.
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Where was it? We will totally check it out next time! Thank you for the info!
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That’s pretty interesting. We have a red-light district here in my little city in Korea, where it is illegal. However, it’s pretty obvious and since it’s right across the street from City Hall, everybody knows about it. I usually don’t go down there but if I do, there’s a sort of train-wreck fascination with the whole place: shop fronts set up like salons and bored-looking women standing around in slightly-revealing outfits, smoking.
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Haw! “Train-wreck fascination…”
Great comment, man. :)
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I didn’t know Hundertwasser did the station in Uelzen as well. He’s decorated loads of stuff all over Austria and I seriously admire his work.
I am glad you found Hamburg to resemble Seattle, that way I can safe my money for a trip there as I have been to Hamburg quite a few times.
Glad you enjoyed Hamburg as evidenced by the beer picture. But why do you call yourself an expat “couple”?
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I guess “expat couple” is technically incorrect, but it does sum up the fact — in one word — that we are married and at least one of us ain’t from around here. :)
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I like the picture of the clock. Unfortunately, it’s a reminder…
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Ooo! A Reminder of what?
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Reblogged this on the stories start when I write.
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Great pictures. I’ve only been to Hamburg once. I need to go back! Loved it there.
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Nice! Hold long ago were you in Hamburg?
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Oh memories of Hamburg! My friend and I actually waited just outside of the “Sexy Angel” store for our husbands as they went to have a wander around the Reeperbahn, and as you know, women of the non-working girl variety are strictly verboten. lol
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Nice! So you were standing right near where I took that picture? Cool!
Did the guys go behind the wooden wall where the real prostitution happens?
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The guys did! lol We ladies were not allowed.
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Ah yes. It will remain a mystery then. :)
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The fact that the clock is ticking for all of us.
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Oh! I thought you meant like, some time when you had to get out of Hamburg in a big hurry or something. :)
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Consider ’em dug!
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Hey thanks Hookman!
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Fantastic post! I’ve been to Hamburg a fair few times and have made the very same trip on the “slow trains” stopping off at Uelzen a few times with living in Hanover, too!
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Oh nice! How long did you live in Hannover?
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I’ve lived here since last August and will be leaving this August coming up!
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Oh nice! Are you a student?
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I am in England. Doing my year abroad here as a language assistant at a school! How long have you been living in Hanover for?
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I’ve been in Hannover for almost 8 months. I arrived at the beginning of September. I’m hoping my wife doesn’t make me move away from Hannover. I love it! :)
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It really is a brilliant city! Anyway, I look forward to your future posts, and I hope you’re enjoying this recent wonderful weather!
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Thank you Dan! I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Hannover and have a great homecoming when you return to England!
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excellent. I’ve got a trip coming up in May to Hamburg for work… any suggestions on restaurants? I’m a foodie nut.
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We actually only went to that one little restaurant on the water, and it wasn’t super special or anything. More like an old landmark. Sorry I can’t be of more help. Here’s a list of restaurants in Hamburg (in English): http://english.hamburg.de/restaurants/
Let us know what you find!
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Right, so here is a picture of that middle house, you know? And there’s three guys in the picture (one of them is inside.) Can you guess their nationalities? Well, the guy on the left is Russian. The guy on the right is Finnish. And the guy inside? Himalayan.
Sorry. This is a joke my father told me in the 60’s, and it’s not fair to keep the pain inside.
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My uncle drew that picture for me when I was a kid. Thank you for the reminder! Brought me right back… of course, back then, I didn’t understand the joke. :)
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*sigh* – I know some of the places your pics show, but not all of them… in particular I have to admit I didn’t like Hamburg… Compared to other German cities it’s kind of – uhm… “ugly”.
But I do like your post and all the effort you put into!!
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May I borrow one of your more colorful phrases for a work of shitty “chick lit” I am trying to write…?
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Of course! Would you mind throwing a little line in there somewhere, crediting our blog?
Good luck with the writing! Very cool.
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Yeah, next time you have to see the Miniatur Wunderland. It’s not far from Hafen City, on Kehrwieder. Take a look here: http://www.miniatur-wunderland.com/ . It’s totally cool, and they are constantly expanding. They even have Vegas!
Hummel, Hummel!
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Cool! Thank you for the link! I’ll check it out for sure!
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Wow… really? That’s it? If that’s already so scary and exciting at the same time I’m guessing you’ve never been to Asia, well Thailand to be exact. Haha check out Pattaya for the real deal! BTW girls are allowed at the red light district there as well, not sure about picture taking though but I guess if you don’t get anyone’s faces it might be ok.
But interesting post, didn’t know Americans were so… I wanna say “uptight” but I don’t think it’s fair, “prostitution curious”? Disclaimer: I’m Asian but not Thai.
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Haw! Great comment! Thank you for the info.
And yes, we Americans come from Puritans; the squarest bunch of white folks ever to walk the earth.
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Haha that depends on where you’re from in the US I guess, or maybe I just watched too much sex and the city and got my idea from that lol!
I don’t think Americans are square at all! Look at Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and Hollywood films and Family Guy… (this could go on for a while) Anyway, point is you guys have created a lot of great stuff. Kudos to that. :D
BTW I’m not saying that Asians are more used to prostitution, it was an eye-opener for me seeing “ladyboys” around in Thailand also. :P
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i am hamburg ian, i get claustrophobic at all the other cities’ stations they refer to as hauptbahnhof.
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