SHUT UP: A Love Letter to the Metronom’s “Ruhe-Wagen”

Metronom-Regional-Train-Germany-Travel
“Blue, white, yellow AND orange? Jesus, this thing is molesting my eyeballs.” — (Image Credit: Paul Smith [https://www.flickr.com/photos/widnes_road/] Subject to CC 2.0 License.)
Here in Hannover, Germany, lots of people ride the regional train known as the Metronom. It is used mostly to travel north and south within the state of Lower Saxony to cities like Bremen, HamburgUelzen and Göttingen. In additional to the usual passenger cars, it offers a food/drink car (Snack-Wagen), a car for people with bikes (Fahrrad-Wagen), and a “quiet” car (Ruhe-Wagen). Since the Metronom is often the cheapest option among the trains passing through Hannover, it attracts passengers from several different socio-economic spheres:

  • White Trash Fatsos with Screaming Babies and/or Snot-Nosed Kids Running Amok
  • Greasy Teenagers Who Think the Louder They Yell the More Important (or Hilarious) Their Point
  • Visibly Intoxicated Soccer Fans Shouting Team Anthems All the Way to the Big Game

These people belong on the regular passenger cars, where they can freely express themselves and hopefully share a lethal strain of mononucleosis.

And then there are the rest of the passengers:

  • College Students Who Want to Be Left the Hell Alone
  • Rich Old People Who Are So Cheap They Are Willing to Ride Alongside the Unwashed Hordes
  • My Wife and I, Who Hate Everybody and Just Want to Read Our Nerd Books in Silence

Now, these people belong in one car, and one car only: The Ruhe-Wagen. It should be quiet, with dimmed lights, and the only thing one should ever hear is the occasional hushed whisper or ruffling of a finance-oriented newspaper. The Ruhe-Wagen is clearly indicated with signs on the outside of the car, above the entrance door and on every table. And yet still, 9 out of 10 times, a gang of untouchables will board this car and ruin everyone’s day.

So, as a solution, I have redesigned the Ruhe-Wagen signs and replaced them with my own. Please enjoy, and help spread the word!

Metronom Regional Train Niedersachsen Lower Saxony Germany Deutschland RailMetronom Regional Train Niedersachsen Lower Saxony Germany Deutschland RailMetronom Regional Train Niedersachsen Lower Saxony Germany Deutschland Rail

Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!

— OGM

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9 thoughts

  1. Love the redesign! I often struggle with the Ruhewagen Dilemma; should i tell these noisy assholes to shut the fuck up, risking some fake adidas in my face or should i be minding my own business, endure and become even more of a depressed fuck than i was when i left for work.

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  2. Always hated to use the train or travel long distances. One time, when I traveled from Kiel to Hanover for a Meeting with Star Wars Fans, I donned a black Death Star uniform hidden under a trenchcoat. When a bunch of noisy dickheads entered the train in Hamburg, I opened the Trenchcoat, put on my officer cap and greeted everybody who tried to enter the compartment with a snappy “GUTEN TAG, BÜRGER!” and the bothersome lot avoided that compartment like hell (OMG! A Nazi!). The other people in the compartment where in to my little stunt and chuckled everytime. I even managed to scare the ticket inspector away.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love your redesign. And you know what? Given we are here in Germany, you would not even be called out for rudeness and impoliteness by using shut the fuck up! But some people might ask you: How do you say that in German? Schnauze! That is the German equivalent!

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    1. “Schanuze!” in itself is an abbreviatioon from
      “Halt Deine Schnauze!”
      which you could well expand by an invective, too.
      “Halt Deine verdammte Schnauze!”
      Even including the fuck is feasible, but vulgar.
      “Halt Deine verfickte Schnauze!”

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  4. I ride the Metronom about once every other week and I completely agree with everything you’ve written. I’m in the student category (free ride from Hildesheim to Hamburg, wheee!) and I really just want to be left in peace to listen to my nerdy podcasts. One particularly bad trip I shushed some soccer hooligans and they laughed in my face. Some people just enjoy spreading chaos.

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