If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you already know I come up with a lot of nicknames for my friends. And by nicknames, I mean random word combinations of an insulting or overtly distasteful nature. It’s a habit, and I couldn’t stop doing it if I wanted to; my brain pulls together a few unrelated words out of nowhere, then commands my mouth to spout them off at the people I love most.
By far, my wife bears the brunt of these nicknames, though in her case they tend to masquerade as adorable pet names. Over the course of an average day, I will call her between 10 and 15 different pet names, each one worse than the last. Here are just a few examples:
7:00 am, as I walk her to the door:
“Have a good day at work, my little donkey slap!”
10:00 am, in a text message:
“Hey fruit-jockey, where do we keep the regular size envelopes?”
12:00 pm, another text message:
“Yo yo thunder-bone, when you comin’ home tonight?”
5:00 pm, as I greet her at the door:
“How was your day, my little rotten apple core?”
7:00 pm, as I change into my pajamas:
“Hey broccoli brain, do these undies make my junk look good?”
10:00 pm, after I finish brushing my teeth:
“See you on the flip side, my little banana basket!” *swat on the ass*
11:00 pm, as I am turning out my reading light:
“Mother of God, your feet are so cold, you little refrigerator magnet!”
2:00 am, as I suffer from insomnia:
“I can’t sleep. Are you still awake, my little cotton ball?”
Being exposed to such a verbal barrage on a daily basis takes its toll upon my wife. Her scrambled German brain cannot help but adopt this pet naming habit of mine, so these days she fires them right back at me. Of course, some of them come out a tad warped from her internal translation process, making for quotes like this little gem:
THE WIFE: “How are you doing, my little peach-cock feather?”
Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
That’s lovely! My wife and I are planning a trip to Germany soon, so we’re studying a little basic German language. I can hardly wait to call her “my peach-cock feather” tonight.
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Haw haw! Good for you! Which part of Germany will you be visiting?
And please come back and tell us how that little nickname goes over. :)
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We will be travelling down the Rhine from north to south, and we’re looking forward to it immensely. I must say that when I called my wife “my peach-cock feather,” it elicited the type of stare you get when a shred of roast beef is stuck to your cheek. Perhaps I didn’t deliver it with sufficient romantic verve.
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Haw haw haw!
Aww, she’s just not used to it yet. :)
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This is great! What a welcome post to read after this past week in Boston. . I do this to my kids all the time but after reading your post realize I need to get way more creative! Thanks for a great laugh.
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Thank you for the kind words, Marilyn! We’re glad we could help lift your spirits!
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