If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you already know I come up with a lot of nicknames for my friends. And by nicknames, I mean random word combinations of an insulting or overtly distasteful nature. It’s a habit, and I couldn’t stop doing it if I wanted to; my brain pulls together a few unrelated words out of nowhere, then commands my mouth to spout them off at the people I love most.
By far, my wife bears the brunt of these nicknames, though in her case they tend to masquerade as adorable pet names. Over the course of an average day, I will call her between 10 and 15 different pet names, each one worse than the last. Here are just a few examples:
7:00 am, as I walk her to the door:
“Have a good day at work, my little donkey slap!”
10:00 am, in a text message:
“Hey fruit-jockey, where do we keep the regular size envelopes?”
12:00 pm, another text message:
“Yo yo thunder-bone, when you comin’ home tonight?”
5:00 pm, as I greet her at the door:
“How was your day, my little rotten apple core?”
7:00 pm, as I change into my pajamas:
“Hey broccoli brain, do these undies make my junk look good?”
10:00 pm, after I finish brushing my teeth:
“See you on the flip side, my little banana basket!” *swat on the ass*
11:00 pm, as I am turning out my reading light:
“Mother of God, your feet are so cold, you little refrigerator magnet!”
2:00 am, as I suffer from insomnia:
“I can’t sleep. Are you still awake, my little cotton ball?”
Being exposed to such a verbal barrage on a daily basis takes its toll upon my wife. Her scrambled German brain cannot help but adopt this pet naming habit of mine, so these days she fires them right back at me. Of course, some of them come out a tad warped from her internal translation process, making for quotes like this little gem:
THE WIFE: “How are you doing, my little peach-cock feather?”
Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
Hilarious! You two were made for each other. Great post!
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Why thank you Cranky! And I totally agree. :)
Have a great day!
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What, was she delusional and thinking you are as pretty as a peacock feather? Or was she under the impression that peaches have male genitalia now that need to be caressed?
Not sure but I think I want to say: Well-done for scrambling your wife’s brain hahaha.
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I have no idea what you were saying in that second sentence, but thanks again for the bright and uplifting comment, Sandra! :) Always a pleasure. :)
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Your sobriquets are most interesting and amusing. My ex-wife called me “sleaze bucket”, “pond scum”… You get the idea.
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Thank you for the comment, Robert. And dear lord, those comments from the ex sound… unpleasant. :) I hope all is well!
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Holy smokes! You Guys are like two sides of a coin… perfect for each other and definitely funny! I found this blog post hilarious and was laughing loudly!
You gotta say Hello to your wife from me! *grin*
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Will do! And thank you, as always, for being such a faithful reader, Raani! Have a great day!
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Ha ha! It must be non-stop fun being around you! Such an creative assortment of names.
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You are very welcome, Bumble!
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The nicknames are absolutely non-stop. That much is true. I’m not much fun when I’m tired and hungry though. Then I’m kind of a little bitch. :)
You?
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Peach cock freather is a good name. It may just turn up on the celebrity baby name list.
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Oh God. :)
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Love it! My husband is a kiwi and I’m a Yank so we mostly understand each other’s English, but I’ll try that one out on him!
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Please do! And let us know how it goes!
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I love finding genuinely funny blogs on WordPress. They make wading through the garbage worth it. From your username/title (admittedly the reason I checked you out to begin with) to your profile image to your hilarious headers, this site is gold. As a current expat myself and hailing from a very proud German family, thank you, Oh God My Wife Is German, for your phenomenal words.
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Wow! Thank you for the glorious compliments, Xavier! You blew me away with your kindness!
Where are you living? Where are you originally from?
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I was born in America, but we’ve lived all over the place. I’m in Ireland right now for studies, but I’ve lived in Belgium and England, and have spent significant time elsewhere, as well. My family traces its roots back to a small town in Baden-Württemberg called Allmendingen. A lot of my relatives are still in Germany, and others are recent immigrants. Many of your posts remind me of my conversations with them.
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Cool! That is AWESOME.
I’ll ask my wife if she’s ever been to Allmendingen.
You’re so well-traveled. Will you ever put down roots?
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I’m sure I’ll have a permanent home somewhere, sometime. But I love travelling too much to ever stay in just one place. I grew up on Peaks Island, Maine, as a fourth-generation islander. I think that would be a nice place to settle down when it’s time. Please give your wife my regards.
Also, I still laugh at your profile image. Gets me every time.
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Good! And I will!
Very pleased to meet you, Xavier.
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You as well. Keep up the good work, Oh God, My Wife Is German.
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Made me smile!
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Good! This is out mission!
Thank you for stopping by our little blog, Lyann!
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You made my husband laugh, and he thinks me reading blogs is lame…So Thankya!
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Awesome! Please thank him for reading! And thank you as well. Always nice to meet new readers. Have an awesome day!
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LMAO!
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:)
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ha! I guffawed out loud when I read this… then read it to my Italian husband, who I affectionately call by many similar pet names (side note: what is wrong with us?)…
There was a long pause with a puzzled expression. Then…
“ok…?”
HA! love it
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Excellent! We gotta keep ’em on their toes, right? :)
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Hey, thanks for the like! Very funny post and I love the name of your blog! Linda.
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Thank you Linda! Please come back often!
Great work on your own blog, by the way!
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Thanks, will do!
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My husband does the same thing. His little nicknames for me are usually food related. In the year we’ve been married, I think the man has nearly covered the produce section.
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Haw haw haw! That’s fantastic!
Would you mind sharing a few examples with us?
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This is great! What a welcome post to read after this past week in Boston. . I do this to my kids all the time but after reading your post realize I need to get way more creative! Thanks for a great laugh.
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Thank you for the kind words, Marilyn! We’re glad we could help lift your spirits!
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That’s lovely! My wife and I are planning a trip to Germany soon, so we’re studying a little basic German language. I can hardly wait to call her “my peach-cock feather” tonight.
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Haw haw! Good for you! Which part of Germany will you be visiting?
And please come back and tell us how that little nickname goes over. :)
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We will be travelling down the Rhine from north to south, and we’re looking forward to it immensely. I must say that when I called my wife “my peach-cock feather,” it elicited the type of stare you get when a shred of roast beef is stuck to your cheek. Perhaps I didn’t deliver it with sufficient romantic verve.
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Haw haw haw!
Aww, she’s just not used to it yet. :)
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Common practice here in my country. “We pun and we have fun,” is the statement that could summarize our way of enjoying a good laugh.
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Thanks for the visit…you should really come visit Namibia sometime. The Denglish here is truly spectacular.
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I have been to Namibia. It was gorgeous. By far my favorite country in Africa.
Thank you for stopping by!
What sort of Denglish have you encountered?
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Sorry, I’m the anonymous who, apparently, was not signed in. There’s a big German population here but most also speak English, Afrikaans, and maybe an indigenous language or two. Everything then gets mixed up and one sentence can be very diverse, linguistically. Fun stuff when you’re trying to learn…
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Interesting! Any funny examples of Denglish over there? Maybe some mistranslated expressions?
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Next time I hear a good one, I’ll let you know.
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Awesome. :) It’s a deal.
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