My German wife and I are not ready to have kids. I have mentioned this before, and yet the subject just keeps coming up. It continues to arise because all — seriously, all — of our friends are having kids. (And because my wife’s biological clock is probably ticking loud as hell, like a stopwatch hopped up on German engineering.)
I know absolutely nothing about children. I can hardly tell the difference between a 6-month old and a 6-year old. To me, they’re just annoying. All sticky and gross. Like little wood grubs dipped in honey. Man, I am the absolute last person anyone should ask about the bliss of child rearing, but that doesn’t stop my wife; whenever she sees a fresh baby, she feels compelled to fire awkward questions at me, like this little gem from the other day:
THE WIFE: “Do you think, when you have a child and you keep it alive and shit, you get a good feeling?”
Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
“When you keep it alive and shit” Oh my god, I really did lol. Also, “Wood grubs dipped in honey” is accurate. I have a 9 month old nephew, and I don’t know how he is so sticky. I can’t tell apart kids ages. At all. I’ve had to start, since I spoil the Neffe and buy him clothes. Definitely something I had to learn as I went. And I’m pretty sure keeping him alive and shit gives my sister and her babydaddy a good feeling. Of not being turned in to Child and Family Services.
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Haw haw haw! Great comment, Amber.
Thank you for relating. :)
Do you plan to make filthy children of your own someday?
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I don’t actually. Pregnancy/labor terrifies me worse than bee/spider/bear hybrids. Plus, I don’t actually like most children (except the nephew, I like him) until they’re like 5 ish. And most of them, not even then. I’ll just spoil the shit out of my nephews and nieces, I’m 100% committed to being the Crazy Aunt.
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Haw haw! That’s great, Amber. An excellent plan. :)
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As someone else without children, I’m not sure how it feels, but as a teacher, it gives me a good feeling not to have my students die on me in class. I’m sure it’d be even more so for a parent. :)
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That works too, right, David? Keeping them alive in class? I say that’s a win too.
Thank for reading man! Have a great day!
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