My German Wife Explains the Biology of Bad Breath

bad-breath-open-mouth-stink-funny
“Oh God. Please, just close your mouth and never open it again.” — Photo by Alisha Vargas (https://www.flickr.com/photos/alishav/)

As you may already know, my German wife and I have lots of inside jokes, idioms and nicknames for the unpleasant things occurring in everyday life. Here are just a few examples we use regularly:

  • The hot, silent gas expelled from one’s anus immediately following a meal of spicy soup, pizza or chili, which smells of poison, horror and all things sullied: “Death Farts
  • Negligent or annoying people — especially teenagers — who are unnecessarily loud and/or obnoxious in public places: “Fuckees
  • The red and inflamed state of my eyelids after I’ve worn a sleeping mask all night long, resulting in the aggravation of my eczema skin condition: “Pig Eyes
  • Frozen food items, generally mini-pizzas and fried hors d’oeuvres, consumed specifically while drinking red wine and watching A Game of Thrones: “Stoner Food
  • A genetically inherited double-chin, which only elongates with age and cannot be destroyed with anything short of heroic plastic surgery: “Yoddler
  • Semi-excited genitalia of the male gender, especially as it is being spun like a pinwheel immediately following a shower: “Half-Schmack

So back in late September of 2012, as my wife was leaving our apartment in order to buy a few groceries from Netto, she raised one finger and invented an entirely new name for bad breath, complete with pseudo-scientific explanation:

THE WIFE: “Unfortunately, I have the Stink Mouth because the bacterials are sitting on the tongue.”

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7 thoughts

  1. That brings back memories. When I was in the Army and posted to Germany, 1955, I didn’t know any German but I did manage to pick up a girl and on the first date she said “Meine Liebe Gott, du stinkst. Was haben Sie gegessen?” and I thought she was paying me a compliment so I said “vielen Dank”, which was almost my entire vocabulary in German at the time.

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