So I recently discovered Domino’s pizza here in Hannover, Germany. I hadn’t ordered a pizza since I moved here from Portland, Oregon, back in 2012, and the delivery game has come a LONG way since then. For example, you can have an obscene amount of pizza — plus beer, wine, appetizers, salad (yeah right), and desert — delivered straight to your home with just a few clicks on your iPhone. (Or your hot-pink Samsung Galaxy, if you’re an absolute Philistine.)
Anyway, there’s no talking necessary, and no cash needed; you can pay using your credit card or PayPal account. And not only that, but you can track the progress of your order in real time: from receipt, to preparation, to delivery. And if you’re at all like me, you just stare at that little tracking dial with ever-increasing excitement until your doorbell rings, at which point you jump up and backflip your way to the front door like a goddamn ninja.
Now, you can order all of the usual American favorites — cheese, pepperoni, Hawaiian, etc. — but in Germany they offer some truly crazy shit. Here are just a few examples:
The “Crazy Dog”
Hot dogs, cucumbers, tomato ketchup, toasted onions and Danish rémoulade.
Prosciutto, tomatoes, broccoli and hollandaise sauce.
Delicate chicken breast fillet, pineapple and curry sauce.
The “Chicken Exotic”
One thing to note before you order one of these wacky pizzas in Germany: They won’t normally cut it into slices unless you ask them to. Here’s the most recent comment I left in my online order to deal with this problem:
“Please cut the pizzas very well. Cut them all the way through. Do you know how hard it sucks when you’re trying to watch Netflix and you just want to grab a slice but that bitch is still attached? This causes DISPLEASURE, my friends.
Thank you. Talk to you soon. (In like 30 minutes or less, ideally.)
My comment was printed verbatim on the receipt, so the delivery guy was actually laughing out loud as I opened the front door. I tipped him €5 euros and wished him a safe drive. (And yes, I still tip service industry people in Germany; I don’t give a shit if it’s already included in the tax. I’m American, god dammit, and I want these delivery guys to remember my house as the awesomest one on the block. Who knows, maybe next time I place an order they’ll haul even more ass to get it to me, like a coked-up Formula One driver with a rump full of anal beads.)
Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!