Alexander Gerst: My Nonsexual (but Still Gay as Hell) Man-Crush from Germany

Alexander Gerst ESA ISS Astronaut View from space
That’s the look of someone getting a hummer in outer space. — (Image Credit: NASA [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
I am an American man and I am married to a beautiful, smart, hilarious and all-around awesome German woman. She’s the sexiest creature I’ve ever seen. But, if I were single? And if I were gay? I would be gay as HELL for Alexander Gerst.

Do you know who this dude is? He’s a German astronaut with the European Space Agency (ESA), and in 2014, he spent six months aboard the International Space Station for ESA’s Blue Dot mission. In fact, he’s even returning to the ISS in May of 2018, where he’ll take that bitch over as Commander for Expedition 57.

Why isn’t this real-life he-man on the cover of Playgirl magazine? — (Image Credit: NASA/Robert Markowitz [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
Alexander Gerst was born in Künzelsau, Baden-Württemberg, Germany, on may 3rd, 1976 (making him a mere 40 years old at the time I am writing this, even though he looks like a baby-faced 23-year-old). He’s a geophysicist and a volcanologist. He studied at the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology, where he received his degree in Geophysics. (Nerd alert!) He also studied Earth Science at Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand, where he was awarded his Master of Science. He has been working as a researcher since 2005, and earned his freakin’ doctorate in Natural Sciences at the Institute of Geophysics of the University of Hamburg. (So that would make him Doctor Gerst, thank you very much.) Anyway, the University of Hamburg is where he completed his dissertation on Geophysics and Volcanic Eruption Dynamics. Oh, and his spare time, this genius-infused hunk of man-chicken enjoys mountaineering, diving, climbing and — of course — skydiving.

Forget the colorful tights and the fruity hair: THIS is what Superman really looks like. — (Image Credit: Helge Thomas [] Subject to CC 2.0 License.)
Gerst is one cool cat, and humble too. Everybody loves him! And just to be clear, this guy has the market cornered on brains, brawn and balls. His combination of strengths and total absence of weaknesses just isn’t fair to lesser mortals; hell, it’s just mean. If ever a perfect spirit were given physical form and birthed alongside the rest of us poo-flinging gutter-monkeys, it would be Alexander Gerst. He is, quite literally, the best of us; the ultimate human being. The Übermensch. (And I bet his junk looks like a big pink python sitting on a pair of ostrich eggs.)

His Instagram account (alexander_gerst1), Facebook account ( and Twitter account (@Astro_Alex) are simply amazing; they showcase some of the most incredible photographs ever taken from the ISS. (Even my wife follows him, and she doesn’t give a Martian’s green butthole about space exploration.) So, if you’re a total space nerd in need of some new masturbation material, check this dude out; you won’t be disappointed. (Instead, you’ll be just like me: jealous and angry because the angels above didn’t see fit to bless you with similar powers of intellect and testicular fortitude.)

I bet he doesn’t have quite enough room in that space suit for both himself AND his massive ball sack. — (Image Credit: NASA [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
But Gerst does have one flaw, thank the lord, and that flaw is his freakishly large ears. I mean, the man looks like a big, pink, shaven-headed chimpanzee. I bet he doesn’t even need a rocket ship; a couple flaps of those gigantic Dumbo ears would send him straight into deep space.

With hearing like that, sometimes ya just gotta stop and listen as the panties drop… — (Image Credit: sebaso from Berlin, Germany (re:publica 2015 Day Gerst) [CC BY-SA 2.0 ( or CC BY-SA 4.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons)
What else can I say? The man rules.

That’s 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds for you, Alex! Well done, you big-eared fuck:

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany

Thank you for reading, everyone, and have a great day!


21 thoughts

  1. What an awesome man crush. I can’t go there with you about the flaw but I can totally agree with you about the crush part. I think if Alex was going to have a flaw it would be that he is so perfect but somehow he pulls off perfection all the while being warm and about as human as one can be in life.


  2. Man… I agree with you 100%. I’m gay though and he’s fucking dreamy PLUS I just watched him join Kraftwerk live during a performance of Spacelab. He’s a hunk alright..ears and all! I wonder what zero-G shenanigans are like? :)


  3. I just saw him for the first time in a video aboard the ISS with CIMON and I was immediately smitten. I was looking around to see if he was married and I found this post of yours, so I guess I’m not the only one that will be having dirty astronaut dreams tonight!!!


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