Ask Yeti: Advice from an Evil Beagle, Part 1

Yeti the Evil Beagle Puppy Dog Pet in Germany
“Then I saw a Beast that rose out of the Earth: The Antichrist; for it had two horns like a lamb and spoke the lies of Astaroth.” — Revelation 13:11–17

Yeti is our pet beagle, and he was forged in the 8th Sphere of Hell. He is a liar, a false prophet and a burgeoning cult leader. He is an unabashed manipulator of humans and animals alike, and yet, the following people have sought the advice of this abominable little demon.

Continue reading and allow the Schadenfreude to flow freely through your veins:

Two Texas Dachshund Girls
December 20, 2016:

Hi Yeti,

Mom showed us your picture. You are very cute! We’re wondering if you’re ever lonely? Do you get locked up all by yourself at night? That would be so sad. We get to sleep with our people at night and they love it. We’re a happy snugly bunch in a king size bed.

If you ever come to Dallas, stop by for a sniff and an afternoon in the pool!

Rosie and Daisy, Texas Dachshund Girls

Thank you for the invitation, ladies. I will gladly join you. In advance of my arrival, please make ready the following items: One bag of premium, €100 Reico Olymp dog food; One Sea Squirts Shark Fin Doggie Swim Vest; and one 36-count pack of Trojan MAGNUM Lubricated Condoms.”

CKM from CA
December 20, 2016:

Thanks for the great laughfest I just experienced…You will be enjoying this puppy experience for at least a year, give or take a year or two.

CKM, your message seems to have been addressed to my father, rather than me, as clearly instructed. Might I suggest a new pair of glasses and some Q-tips to clean the dogshit from between your ears?

December 20, 2016:

Yeti, Does your dad know that you are really digging his grave and are just cunningly pretending to hide the rock in the ford to throw him off your evil plan ?!.

Or is your beloved rock actually the intended murder instrument or do you intend your horde of evil children to do the wicked deed ?!?

Carol, please; when I finally murder my father — and I most certainly will — I will not employ such clumsy instruments as those you’ve suggested. For now, let’s just say I will someday salute the man with one hind leg raised high above an unmarked grave.

Website or Preferred Back Link: #berlinerbeagle
December 20, 2016:

Yo Yeti,

I’m a six month old Beagle and live in Berlin. My humans are a US and German couple and I trained them well. They know by now that I will only function when they bribe me with treats, snacks, bones or other edible items. During the first few weeks my owner met a guy who told them that Beagles get “normal” once they’re two years old. Har har! Little do they know. Fools! They’re so stupid, they also call me “No!” As if that’s a name for the cutest being on earth!

Hang in there, bro!

Tenby, did you… did you just refer to yourself as the, “cutest being on earth”? That title belongs to me, and me alone, you worm-infested, ass-dragging slobber jockey.

If YOU would like to receive some malicious advice of your own, feel free to contact Yeti on his page: Yeti the Evil Beagle. (You can even include a link to your blog or the website of your choice, if you so desire.)

You’ve been warned.


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