Pictures of Hawaii: An Interesting (and Expensive) Vacation on the Big Island

hilton-waikoloa-village-sunset-silhouette — “Look honey, we’re in paradise! Let’s start bitching about it!”

I am currently working on a multi-part story of the recent vacation my German wife and I took to the Big Island of Hawaii. It was not the most relaxing trip we’ve ever taken, but it was one of the more exciting ones. However, before I get to that, I want to show you some of the pictures we took. (Mostly because, once again, I am pressed for time and unable to write a proper blog post.)

Please click one of the images below to start the slideshow and read the captions. (Because honestly, without the captions, this post just wouldn’t be worth your time. Do you really need to see a bunch of Instagram pictures of some magical island paradise while you’re sitting at work on Monday morning? That’s just mean.)

We stayed at the Hilton Waikoloa Village. It was pretty awesome, but it was also OBSCENELY expensive. Jesus’ Tits.

This Hilton has it’s own train, which circles the entire property every 15 minutes. (And a boat too, which does the exact same thing, only slower.)

One of many pools at Hilton Waikoloa Village. Notice how absolutely no one is in this particular pool? That’s because, according to the security guard I asked, “Someone left a Baby Ruth in the water.” (I am not joking. They evacuated the entire pool for like 3 hours.)

This was the view from our balcony. It’s actually a golf course, and the sound carried up to us very loudly — probably because of the shape of the building or the wind or something — so we could actually hear all of the golfers swearing as they dropped their Callaways into the sand pit.

This is just one of a dozen little stores at the resort. And yes, you read that right: $3.99 each. Not per 6-pack… EACH.

I should not have been surprised: a cup of drip coffee at Hilton Waikoloa Village was like $12, and a large burrito was $20. Not kidding.

To be fair, the resort was pretty sweet. The open-air halls were lined with amazing pieces of art, like this strangely endowed chick holding a space banana.

Every morning, I made sure to tap this evil snake god on the forehead for evil luck. (Which is the exact same thing as bad luck, only your enemies are the ones who suffer.)

“Hey kids! Chick out this cute-but-slightly-haunting doll right before you go to bed!”

Here are some lazy-ass stray cats. They were all over the hotel, just basking in the glory of paradise all day long; lickin’ asses and chasin’ tails — what a life.

My dad caught this disgusting cockroach and put it into a glass bowl to amuse my nephew. My nephew then proceeded to laugh like a demon and shake the bowl every 5 seconds to make the cockroach run around in terror.

Yep. That’s pretty much what the west side of the island looks like outside of the major resorts — like a post-apocalyptic wasteland with beautiful morning skies.

Just like every other tourist on the island, we visited Hawaiʻi Volcanoes National Park and saw the Halema’uma’u Crater. (Try and pronounce THAT shit while you’re drunk.)

Here’s a view of the ocean from Akaka Falls State Park. (Heh, you said “Cock.”)

This here is Akaka Falls. I took like 15 pictures of myself licking, touching or otherwise molesting that waterfall.

Deep sea fishing yo! We went out at the crack of dawn and got back in the evening. You know what we caught? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

That’s the chair where you’re supposed to reel in the big fish. I got to catch a bait fish, but that was it. Also, I destroyed the entire spool of fishing line as I did it, because I didn’t reel it in properly.

… but we were joined by a pair of lovely dolphins! Everybody loves dolphins, right? Did you know dolphin males will team up to trap a female and then gang rape the shit out of her? http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/animals-can-be-giant-jerks/

Here we are, returning to the dock empty handed. Way to go, “Captain.”

Here’s some dude cutting up a big fish. This was not our fish and we were given none of it.

Here we are in the Hawaii Tropical Botanical Garden, and that flower looks an awful lot like Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors.

It was so majestic, we didn’t even notice our ankles being destroyed by angry mosquitoes.

This is Punalu‘U — a black sand beach on the south side of the island. And I have to say, the name itself is about as exciting as this beach gets.

And the black sand beach was HOT, man. You couldn’t take more than two steps barefoot before you were forced to sprint back to the picnic blanket like a little bitch.

There’s the very famous Captain James Cook Monument, which immortalizes the death place of a man who exploited the native people of Hawaii and then tried to kidnap and ransom their king, but was rewarded for his efforts with a well-deserved clubbing.

Here we are, snorkeling just a few yards away from the monument. We took a tour aboard the Fair Wind II, which has two slides on the back. I went down one of the slides headfirst with my arms at my sides, wiggling and barking like a seal to amuse the kids. It was not so amusing when I crashed face-first into the water following a 10-foot drop.

This was our last full day on the island. I was feeling a might depressed, so I asked the bartender for, “the strongest Long Island Iced Tea you can possibly make.” This earned me a snort as the bartender replied, “A Long Island Iced Tea is ALREADY the strongest drink I can make.” Well fuck you too, buddy! Oops! I dropped your tip right back into my wallet.

My wife took this panorama on our last night. (And on a side note: yes, ALL of her pictures are better than mine.)

There’s the Kona International Airport. Everything is outdoors — even baggage claim — so you really get that “strip mall” feeling as you leave paradise.

This is Mt. Adams in Washington State. Technically I took this picture while my wife and I were flying back to Germany, but screw it; let’s just pretend it was part of the Hawaii trip.

I always enjoy flying over my hometown at night (Portland, Oregon). I like to look for all the places in high school where I somehow managed to convince girls to touch my wiener.

Back in PDX! We returned to Portland on a flight with Alaskan Airlines. I’ll never understand the relationship between Alaska and Hawaii. I’ve been to both places, and they’re pretty much exact opposites.

And here we are a few nights later, in the guestroom of one of our closest friends. And yes, that is a Catholic, Labyrinth-era David Bowie candle on the nightstand. VACATION COMPLETE!

Thank you for checking out our pictures! Have an awesome day!

— OGM