Lost Luggage: An American Blogger Returns to Germany Without His Suitcase

“Hey honey, guess who’s washing his undies in the sink tonight!” — Image Credit: Kevin Gessner (https://www.flickr.com/photos/kevingessner/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Oh sweet Jesus. Sweet sandal-wearing Jesus. I’m so jet lagged I can’t even think anymore.

See, my German wife and I just returned from a 5-week trip to the States last night. Literally last night, and now we’re all kinds of messed up. Obviously the journey was long — we all know transatlantic flights are about as pleasant as a flyswatter across the nipples — but as an added bonus, KLM lost our stupid suitcases somewhere inside the Schiphol airport. And not only did they lose our suitcases, but those of every single passenger on our flight.

It was just a little Cityhopper too — not even one of those jumbo mothers we take from Portland to Amsterdam — so there couldn’t have been more than like 50 people on that bitch. And let’s assume there were two checked bags per person; how hard it is to load a hundred Samsonites full of Dutch cheese and anal beads?

Anyway, it’s been 24 hours and we still don’t know where our luggage went. I somehow managed to bust out some last-minute design work for one of my clients this morning, but god damn it was hard. I couldn’t concentrate! And my poor wife had to go back to work today too, teaching smelly teenagers not to hump light sockets. Man, this blows. And it’s not just the jet lag; it’s the uncertainty of not knowing whether my wife and I will ever get our stuff back.

KLM, you guys suck. You get exactly one Merkel Diamond for your air travel performance, and that’s only because you delivered us back to Hannover alive — you clog-wearing, cheese-eating fucks. Feel free to lick the uncharted pubic jungle that flourishes betwixt my boomstick and my diddlyhole.

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany
But you, Dear Reader? You’re awesome. Thank you for letting me vent.

I’m going to go pass out now.


25 thoughts

  1. Dutch cheese and anal beads? I don’t even want to know what your sex life is like! Good luck, hope you get your stuff back. Losing luggage transatlantic, going either direction, can be catastrophic. Lufthansa lost my camping gear as I was headed to the Wacken Open Air festival. Having to buy new gear in a foreign country was an experience!


  2. I hope you are luckier than us. They found only two out of three pieces of luggage that weren’t on the flight from Amsterdam to Hamburg.
    To make things worse it was a real pita to get reimbursed for the lost stuff.


  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your lost luggage. I guess the service at KLM has suffered tremendously. Back in the day, and I mean when commercial aviation was in its infancy, it was a priviledge to fly KLM. Heck, we even got all dressed up in special fancy traveling outfits for the experience… hope you get your luggage soon! ;) xoxoM


  4. LOL. You’re always allowed to vent because you always make me laugh. I have to say that in all my years of living in Africa, our luggage was never lost, whereas it got lost twice arriving in Frankfurt. Or it might have been Hannover once. Just sayin’.


  5. Hope you get your luggage back soon. WOW! An ENTIRE flight’s luggage lost! Sounds like a computer glitch of some sort (not that it would make any difference to you at the moment, but it would be interesting to know how that could happen).


  6. Been there, done that, got the pit stains on the one t-shirt I had for a day to prove it. Quickly learned to not pack my deodorant in checked luggage and to not rely too much on the generic hotel stuff everybody stashes away.

    The likely culprit behind your misery is a mix of computer glitch and additional random security checks at Schiphol these last couple weeks (great timing, right?). An unspecified security threat meant that police have at times even set up checkpoints on highways leading to the airport. That makes for endless traffic jams, endless lines and endless amounts of luggage barely making check-in deadlines. On a good day a few bags will be left behind but when a computer glitch rears its ugly head everyone is left to deal with the travel version of a poop flinging fest at the zoo. When delivering delayed luggage, people on short regional flights end up at the bottom of the list.

    It could have been worse though. KLM and Schiphol are very good at dealing with travel issues or at least much better than certain other airlines to the east and south.


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