There are a variety of methods for banana consumption. You can bite off a chunk, chew it and swallow it. You can cut the banana into slices and use a fork to place them in your mouth. Hell, you can even cram that mother down your throat and swallow it whole like Jenna Jameson in one of those stag films I keep hearing so much about. I consider all of these examples perfectly acceptable — especially that last one — but my wife does not eat bananas in any such ways as these; she likes to place the first few inches in her mouth and then shave the underside with her lower teeth as she withdraws the fruit. This shaving action produces pulp — something like a banana mousse — which piles up at the base of her mouth. She then swallows this frothy white load and resumes the process anew. (Again, a lot like Jenna Jameson.)
Now, as a straight male watching a beautiful young woman consume a banana, I cannot help but imagine trading places with said piece of fruit; it’s a guy thing, and I am not ashamed to admit it. However, my wife’s fruit scouring habit not only destroys this fantasy, but leaves me wondering just how much pain and lasting tissue damage it would inflict upon my little German helmet.
But you know what else is a guy thing? One of which we should never, ever, feel ashamed? Ripping ass in front of our wives. Hey, we’re married and everyone farts — it’s okay to fire off a round or two and make no effort whatsoever to conceal it. Why, just the other day, in fact, I broke wind and sat down next to my wife as she was consuming a banana in the disturbingly toothy manner described above. “Awww…” I groaned, “You’re doing it again,” — to which she offered an abundantly dismissive shrug:
THE WIFE: “You farted in front of me. I can scrape my banana.”
Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”
If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.
Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
I think your wife is correct. (In her statement. I’m not judging positively or negatively the banana-eating method.)
LikeLike
I can see her point as well… but I don’t like it. :)
Have you ever heard of such a banana consumption method as the one my wife prefers?
LikeLike
No. I can’t say that I have.
LikeLike
well done sir, well done as usual … you transitioned from banana eating to farting … I think I’m in awe.
LikeLike
well done sir, well done as usual … you transitioned from banana eating to farting … I think I’m in awe.
LikeLike
Thank you Oliver! And of the two offenses, I think banana scraping is far worse. :)
Your thoughts?
LikeLike
You are funny, sir. Awesome blog. I tried to think of a less spammy way to say this comment but it’s too early.
LikeLike
Thank you Rhonda! I really appreciate your support!
How are is your traffic for http://www.airstreaming.net/? Still growing?
LikeLike
Thanks for asking! Yes, the ‘Streaming blog is growing, suddenly, now that I finally properly SEO’d the damn thing. Congrats on the consistent hilarity here at OGMWIG!
LikeLike
I’m glad to hear it! Those Airstreams are too cool not to be found via search engines. Every time I see an Airstream I think of Rhonda, just truckin’ around… looking at eclipses. :)
And thank you! Writing for this bog is a true passion, and I absolutely love doing it.
Have an awesome day!
LikeLike
Are you familiar with the song “Banane” by Die Ärzte? I’m sure your wife would be happy to translate the lyrics for you. :-)
LikeLike
Papascott… you are going to get me into trouble, aren’t you. :)
LikeLike
And thank you for the video, by the way! I shared it on our Facebook page and Twitter as well. Great find! :)
LikeLike
Sounds brutal. Now I have an “innie.”
LikeLike
Haw haw haw! Just look away. That sucker will pop back out in no time. :)
LikeLike
absolutely, hilarious! also meaning to ask you…how do you like those ads…are you having a good experience with them? xo, sm
LikeLike
Thank you! I’m glad you liked this latest post!
As for this new program, WordAds, the advertisements themselves are obnoxious. They’re too big and too prominent. However, they also earned us $4.52 for the month of April. Once that total hits $100, we get paid. I think I will put up with WordAds for a bit longer and see if it’s worth it. But no, I am not pleased with how they clutter our blog.
What do you think about them?
LikeLike
Instead of a stock photo, I think you should have inserted a film showing your wife eating the banana–just from the nose down so she can keep her anonymity, of course. I agree with her assessment of the situation. :o)
LikeLike
Something tells me she might not allow such a video to be recorded. And that something is German. And freakishly strong. And married to me.
LikeLike
Hilarious! And scary – but in a funny way!
LikeLike
And maybe a little sexy? Like, Basic Instinct sexy, with less ice picking….
LikeLike
I for one, would not mind at all if any woman ate a banana in said fashion in front of me. As a matter of fact, I need to start a fad where all women eat bananas seductively. We can call it banana-ing or something. It’s really a win-win. BTW, thanks for the picture! lol
LikeLike
“No teeth! No teeth!”
LikeLike
LOL
LikeLike
Oh you men. I was watching MTV a long time ago (don’t judge) and a female consumed a whole banana. I didn’t get it at first because I am a girl but that episode receive a lot of male interest. It’s just fruit for her :-) Anyway, I don’t get the whole farting thing with you guys. The smell is dreadful, if I don’t want to smell my own, then why should I be tortured with someone else’s.
LikeLike
Apparently, you see eye-to-eye with my German wife. :)
Now please, for the guys, send us a YouTube link to that banana-eating video you mentioned…
:)
LikeLike
Oh my gosh…I thought I was the only person who ate bananas that way… Must be a Euro thing? Maybe?
LikeLike
It has to be!
But tell me… why do you do it? Is it the taste? The texture? The creepy suggestive nature of the gesture? :)
LikeLike
Honestly, I hadn’t really considered it until you pointed it out. So, thanks for that… ;)
LikeLike
Haw haw!
LikeLike
hahahaha! You are just too funny! hehe… oh man LOL
LikeLike
And thank you for stopping by! Please return often!
LikeLike
So I bought banana yesterday. And since I was starving and I can’t wait to get home before I eat it, I ate it while walking. Then I remembered this post. And just for fuck’s sake, I tried your wife’s method, and then there’s this guy who looked at me like I’m some retard. He stared. Really stared. He even stopped walking!
LikeLike
Haw haw haw haw haw haw haw!
That’s the best thing ever. :) Thank you for sharing!
LikeLike
I’ll never think of bananas the same way again! Sorry you she ruined it for you!
LikeLike
Thank you. :) I wish I could post a video of her doing it. She’d never go for that though… assuming she knew I was filming it… eh heh heh heh.
LikeLike