My German Wife Explains Why She Has Such Perfect Teeth

Funny horse with bad teeth
“Say cheese! …you nasty motherf***er…” — Image courtesy of Aaron McIntyre (http://www.flickr.com/photos/aaronmcintyre/)

I’ll be real honest with you: I’ve seen some bad teeth here in Germany. Like, Austin Powers bad. Some of these Germans look like they’re packing lemon skittles between their gums, and I’m definitely not tasting the rainbow. Even my dentist in Hannover tells me people don’t really take care of their teeth in this country. Back in America, my dentist would say, “You really need to floss at least once per day,” while my German dentist said, simply, “You floss? Wow.”

As we all know, Americans like straight, white teeth. We’re obsessed with them. We think you have bad teeth if you can’t blind a child with the gleam coming off your incisors, and I’m no different; I keep my ivories as white as possible and they’re naturally straight. However, had I been born with crooked teeth, my parents would have slapped so much headgear on me I would have been unable to lift my giant skull up off the dentist chair.

funny american white teeth
“Oh God, you’re blistering my retinas…” — Image courtesy of Aaron Wallis (http://www.flickr.com/photos/corey_azza/)

Although I can’t be sure, I think the “good teeth” phenomenon is slowly catching on here in Germany — at least with the younger generations. My wife, for example, has amazing teeth; they seem impervious to yellowing and stay white no matter how much tea or coffee she drinks. They’re so white they practically glow in the dark. It’s like she has tiny little stars in her mouth. Also, they’re super straight and she flosses every night like a madwoman. My wife’s teeth are so perfect, I once asked her to explain them to me: Did she attain them from some higher power, like Prometheus stealing fire from the gods? Where did these little miracles come from, woman!? To which she shrugged and said:

“My teeth only look so good because I had bracelets.”*

*That would be ‘braces,’ or ‘Zahnspangen.’


 

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33 thoughts

  1. Your wife is adorable.

    >>> “Oh God, My Wife Is German.” 8/19/2013 12:07 PM >>>
    Oh God, My Wife Is German posted: ” I’ll be real honest with you: I’ve seen some bad teeth here in Germany. Like, Austin Powers bad. Some of these Germans look like they’re packing lemon skittles between their gums, and I’m definitely not tasting the rainbow. Even my dentist in Hannover”

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  2. I love the thought of bracelets on teeth. I find it is not a good move to snigger or smile when Mrs Sensible misuses an English word, especially considering the total hash I make of Italian, even after 3 years of night school

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  3. Your wife is indeed adorable with her “bracelets” comment. It reminds me of the Honduran dentist who cleaned my teeth last week: he explained he was going to give me “an example” to take with me to try. It was a sample of toothpaste. I got a kick out of it anyway!

    Enjoyed your post, as always!

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  4. Interesting how a people so intrinsically anal about so many things care so little about something as basic as dental hygiene. Btw, my son took “der grosse Sprung” and married a German girl last month. She’s awesome!

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  5. omg i had to have “bracelets” when i was in high school. oh the horror of it all! absolutely torturous, BUT they did do their job. i would imagine all the hard work is to keep from having to do that experience again and i don’t blame her lol :)

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  6. I love all your German culture insights, they are absolutely hilarious!! I especially loved this little ditty because I’m a Dental Hygienist here in Germany and see all kinds of fun stuff. I was bustin up on the train which was dead silent at 7am..you can imagine the glares I got :)

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  7. *giggle* – Amazing… bracelets, hm? LOL
    I still love your blog, even though I hadn’t been here for a while, I’m sorry. WP had problems with the notifications, and used the time for a little break.
    Thanks for sharing this!! You made me laugh! :-)

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  8. Haha, that’s fantastic. I’ve got a German beau, and when he was still new to the country, and had room mates, we were sitting on his bed, laughing about something when he said, “the neighbors probably go crazy with all our jiggling”. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. He meant giggling…πŸ˜‚

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