Criminal Compatibility: Why German-American Couples Make the Best Match

Bonnie-and-Clyde-Costume-Black-and-White-Crime-Couple
“We’re sexy and we know it. …and dangerously insane.” — Image Credit: James Bond (https://www.flickr.com/photos/cheshyre/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

I think I’ve made my opinions on the subject of marrying German people abundantly clear throughout this blog. I’ve written about why you should bump uglies with them, why you should steer clear of the crazy ones, and why moving to Germany is an awesome idea in general. But what I want to talk about now is the stone cold Teutonic glory that is the German-American relationship.

You see, it doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, or if you’ve got 3 veiny dongs hanging from a pair of green Martian titties; when it comes to German-American coupling, the subject of balance will quickly make itself apparent. That is to say, in my experience, Germans and Americans balance each other out with surprising effectiveness. (After a couple of pissing matches about why there is no air conditioning in this country, god dammit.)

uptight-german-nerd-in-business-suit-square
“Nein.” — Image Credit: Paul Stevenson (https://www.flickr.com/photos/pss/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

On the German side, you’ve got robotic emotional compartmentalization, financial conservatism veering toward stinginess, and a level of rage-fueled impatience which borders upon the psychotic. (Seriously. Have you ever been in a car with a German when you hit a traffic jam? They totally freak out. It’s hilarious.)

american-stereotype-carefree-woman-let-them-eat-cake
“Let them eat cake… and drink cosmos.” — Image Credit: Bob Doran (https://www.flickr.com/photos/humblog/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

On the American side, you’ve got diagnosable megalomania, an absolute “fuck it” sense of financial responsibility, and an education level roughly equivalent to a fistful of jellybeans. (And yet we’re still the most confident bunch of assholes on the planet.) My point here is, Germans and Americans need each other; every successful relationship requires a balance of pragmatism and passion, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a better match than that which occurs between such nationalities as these.

On a more personal note: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve got some really bizarre fears and phobias, but I also suffer from some kind of generalized anxiety disorder as well. (Plus social anxiety and a VSP personality type, so I really am just a big bag of crazy.) See, I worry about everything, and those worries never fail to intensify during the night, right as I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s my own personal hell. In fact, I can actually hear the little anxiety mechanics working inside my skull: “Hey Jim, are we supposed to be shutting down for the night right now? Screw that, let’s get wasted and just start breaking shit — I want to see if we can convince this dude he’s got an inoperable brain tumor again.”

Anyway, each morning, my wife asks how I slept the night before, and I’m always completely honest with her: “Well, honey, I slept like dogshit.” This is when she reassures me everything will be okay, because we are a team — a dynamic duo — and we will always be there for each other. And then one morning, not too long ago, when I was completely discouraged about ever falling asleep again, my German wife hugged me close and said:

“But we will always have each other, like Jekyll and Hyde. …I mean Sigfried and Roy! …I mean Bonnie and Clyde!”



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20 thoughts

  1. Oh, come one, don’t tell me your beautiful, dutiful wife does not know the easiest way to make any man sleep and snore in half an hour? (Approx.. some men last only ten minutes, others, younger ones mostly, take a little longer.)

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  2. I love your writing, but please could you cut down on the use of massive(and irrelevant) stock photos that fill the entire width of the screen? They just make it harder to read the text.

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  3. First of all, I stumbled upon your blog “by accident”, and I think it’s hilarious, especially myself being German and reading how you see us, and I’m really enjoying reading your stuff ever since. Unfortunately I’m not married to an American (I’m single though, so the American women aren’t safe yet ;-) ), but I have a very close American female friend, who is married to a fellow German and moved here some 20 years ago, so many things you mention I’ve heard in her tales of her….cultural assimilation ;-)
    What I absolutely can confirm 100%….I myself get in an absolute rage almost every morning driving to work ;-))

    Keep it up, looking forward to every Monday :-) Oh, and the pics are a little big, but I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m distracted by them…

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  4. Dear OGMWIG,

    thanks for this chuckle fodder. Tell your wife she is adorable. You lucky … (green with envy).
    Butch and Sundance would fit too.

    Kind regards,
    MiBigAn

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  5. You are absolutely right! When my German loses his head over a traffic jam, I’m there to remind him to breathe and tell him that going bat-crap crazy is only going to ruin HIS day, and it’s certainly not gonna make the traffic move. And when I’m being a weak sniveling American because I got my feelings hurt over his directness, he’s there to remind me that it’s not personal and I should buck up a little. He has made me stronger and less offended by everything and I have made him calmer and a little less direct. It’s an excellent pairing!

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