Sexy, Sick and Scary: Godless Google Searches Gather Sin-Seeking Strangers

Creepy Old Man and Sexy Woman in Lingerie - Beauty and the Beast — “Look honey, we’ve got another stalker! That’s like ten this week!” — (Image Credit: Sexy Woman (Modified from original) by Marina Spektr [https://www.flickr.com/photos/154655365@N07/] and Creepy Old Man (Modified from original) by Becky Wetherington [https://www.flickr.com/photos/macbeck/] — Both images subject to CC 2.0 License.)

Our blog readers are so cool. I love you guys. You’re the kind of people who can really enjoy a good laugh at an American expat in Germany as he splashes about — kicking, screaming and inevitably drowning — in a sea of confusion and Teutonic despair.

Really though, most of you come here to read my wife’s funny Denglish quotes, or to learn about the ongoing culture shock I experience as an American citizen living in Hannover. But what never fails to confuse me is the sheer number of people who accidentally stumble upon our blog due to random, misdirected, or just plain hilarious Google searches — most of which involve uncomfortably specific porn queries, overtly biased questions regarding German sexuality, and anything related to my friend up in Hamburg, ‘Trixi Rabbit,’ from the famous YouTube channel Don’t Trust the Rabbit. (Seriously; keywords inquiring about her are freaky popular.)

Don't Trust the Rabbit: German YouTube Star 'Trixi Rabbit' - Svenja Patricia Quecke — Whatever you do, internet stalkers, “Don’t Trust the Rabbit.” — (Image Credit: ©Trixi [https://tinyurl.com/yagoauhk] All rights reserved.)

So anyway, over the past few months, I’ve been taking screenshots of my blog analytics through the WordPress app on my iPhone and gathering them for your amusement. (My favorites are highlighted in yellow.) Please click the first thumbnail image below to start the slideshow.

WARNING: Most of these screenshots contain search terms which are sexually explicit, deeply offensive or just plain ol’ bugshit crazy.