Parking in Germany: Stick Your Neck Out Lest Ye Burn in Hell

I tell you, being married to a German is never a boring experience, especially when it comes to communication. We speak mostly English at home, of course, because my wife’s English is basically perfect while my German proficiency is stuck somewhere between “Slow Preschooler” and “Unconscious Motorcyclist.” But the thing I love most about speaking English with her are the times when she uses a well-known German idiom and just translates that mother straight across the linguistic barrier without warning. Makes for some real comedy gold.

For example, my wife and I drove to the gym the other day. All of the parking spaces were taken, and some were even taken by those godless sons of bitches who park directly on the divider line, taking up two spaces at once and inviting absolutely everyone in the nearby vicinity to key their car so hard it scratches the engine. (Seriously, if you park like this, you are going to burn in a very special corner of hell where your every waking minute is spent fellating a peacock-headed demon named Andrealphus, who squawks with joy each time your mouth is filled with his scorching hot bird flu ejaculate.)

Aaaaaanyway, we drove around back and started looking for a space to park on the street. It was packed and things were looking grim. We crept slowly forward, scanning from side to side, and as we were about to pass the last couple spots, my wife said to me:

“Ok, make a long neck!”*

*From the German expression, “Mach einen langen Hals,” which, in terms of looking for a parking spot, is quite a bit nicer than our English expression, “Keep your eyes peeled.” (I mean, c’mon, “peeled?” As in, “skin your own eyeballs?” …Eww, dude.)