Here’s the deal: If you’re one of my friends, you know with 100% certainty I will address you — in person, over the phone or via email — with some nonsensical, 2-word combination insult in lieu of a proper greeting. Every single time. It’s just what I do. I can’t help it.
For example, when I go to a friend’s house and they answer the door, I’ll say something like, “Yo, what up cockspackle?” and then step casually past them as if I own the joint. Or, if I’m writing an email, I’ll start it off with, “Hey chickentits…” before diving into the heart of a serious message. Even on the phone, I’ll hit the answer button when someone calls — and regardless of the caller’s gender — sound off with a good, “Well hello there, peniswrinkle!” and then ask how things are going with the new baby.
My friends have all accepted this character flaw. They know it’s beyond my control; like a tic or something. See, an instantaneous chemical reaction occurs in my brain at the moment of greeting, and these stupid, unrelated words fuse together and come shooting out of my mouth like a hot-buttered dildo.
And it doesn’t stop there; I fire off 2-word combinations — or “neologisms,” if you want to church ’em up a little — for things I see in my daily life: curious human behavior, anatomical anomalies, general annoyances, whatever. If I see something noteworthy, I’m gonna coin a new word for it. (Well, I’ll hope it’s new: Rich Hall wrote a book in the 1980s called Sniglets, which is a collection of humorous neologisms so much more clever than mine I kind of want to burn every single copy I find.)
So, what I’ve done here today is compile a list of the top 10 words I’ve coined most recently, and offered them up for your amusement. Or ridicule. Whatever you need to do.
Here we go…
Visibly intoxicated people — generally women, but also men with weak chins and strong opinions regarding hair styling products — who proudly drink liquid sugar concoctions of Captain Morgan, Kraken, Sailor Jerry, or any of those other disgusting spiced rums, in public, and without the requisite amount of shame and self-loathing.
When you sneeze so hard you get a cramp in the abdominal muscles directly above your junk. (May also be applied to any sudden and traumatic cramping in that horrid wasteland between your anus and your scrotum.)
*FUPA = Fat Upper Pussy Area
Those disgusting rolls of fat around your midsection which reveal themselves when — and only when — someone takes your picture as you are slouched in a chair like Jabba the Hutt.
When your spouse releases tiny toots of gas while sleeping, effectively negating the validity of every single point he or she has raised during an argument. Ever.
The futile attempt to resist glancing repeatedly — and helplessly — at the bosom of a woman whose chesticular endowment is both plentiful and scarcely concealed.
*Absolutely not restricted to straight men; everyone looks at tits because tits are awesome. Chicks dig ’em. Gay dudes dig ’em. Everybody digs ’em. They’re our only hope for world peace.
A droplet of sweat which descends — ever so slowly — from your lower back, down beneath your underwear, until it reaches its final destination betwixt your butt cheeks.
Game of Thrones fans who refuse to admit Tyrion Lannister is the best character on the show.
When you’ve been messing around with your smart phone while sitting on the toilet — probably playing video games — for so long one or both of your legs have fallen asleep and are now dead from the knee down. (Generally followed by a pitiful, pins-and-needles gait as you limp your way toward the sink to wash your hands.)
Someone who will eat anything — especially soup, beans or chili — directly out of the can and without heating it up first. (Often with the use of oversized wooden spoons, because reaching into the silverware drawer for a regular spoon is just a little too much work.)
When you’re on a train, bus or airplane, and the giant dude next to you brushes your elbow with his disgusting forearm hair.
Someone (like your German wife) who steals a slice of the apple you just cut for yourself, and only yourself, because it’s part of your sacred morning ritual; those precious few moments of silence and serenity you get to enjoy — along with a huge cup of coffee — to start your day off on the right foot so you don’t lose your frail grip on reality and wind up finger painting after a 12.5 mg breakfast of Clozapine at Soothing Oaks Psychiatric Hospital, goddamn you woman.
*In absolutely no way associated with the Kellogg’s brand, Apple Jacks®; the crunchy, three-grain breakfast cereal sweetened with apples, cinnamon, high fructose corn syrup and the love of god’s holy angels.
Thank you for reading and have an awesome day, you absolute clownshit, taintmartini-drinking jackpipes!