Manuel Neuer: My Nonsexual (but Still Gay as Hell) Man-Crush from Germany

Before moving to Germany, I really didn’t give a monkey’s nut about soccer. I still don’t, to be perfectly honest with you. But being here for that 2014 FIFA World Cup? That was awesome. My German wife and I watched a bunch of games that season, and I even wrote a couple blog posts about the whole championship experience from my perspective as a clueless outsider:

• The 2014 FIFA World Cup as Experienced by an American Expat in Germany
• Why Americans Don’t Like Soccer – One Opinion from an American Expat in Germany

But what I really noticed was how well the German national team played, well… as a team. Of course you had your big goal-scoring, kick-the-ball-in-the-net-thingie type guys, like Thomas Müller, Mario Götze and Miroslav Klose, but the true strength of the team was in their cooperation. They played together and they won together. And by “won,” I mean kicked the everyloving monkeyshit out of everybody. (Especially Brazil, those poor sons of bitches.)

But there was one member of the German team who stood out from the rest; one heroic titan of a man who not only defended the virginal sanctity of the German goal posts, but managed to capture the admiration of soccer fans around the world. I am talking, of course, about the goalkeeper, captain of the German national soccer team, and mold from which all things sexy are cast: Manuel Neuer.

Born in 1986 (making him just 28 years-old during the 2014 World Cup), standing 6′ 4″ tall and weighing in at 203 lbs, Neuer is the perfect specimen of all that is man. He has the sort of baby face which is simultaneously youthful and handsome — indicative of his origin as the lovechild of Superman and God’s favorite cherub. And he has these gigantic banana hands too, which not only slap away penalty shots like uppity mosquitoes, but suggest he also sports the most glorious trouser hog in all of Germany. Shit, I bet his unit is so massive one good swing of the hips could repel the tides of the ocean; blot out the sun and leave us all in perpetual night, shuddering for warmth between his megalithic testicles.

But enough about the man’s wedding vegetables. Neuer is more than just a throbbing piston of free-range he-chicken; he’s also a good Catholic boy. He supports a Gelsenkirchen-based Catholic social action group which campaigns against child poverty, plus a youth club in the same city run by Amigonian monks. He raised half a million for charity in a celebrity edition of Wer wird Millionär?, which is the German version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? And he also started a charity foundation for children called the Manuel Neuer Kids Foundation.

And to top it all off, Neuer did the voiceover for the character Frank McCay in the German version of the 2013 Disney animation, Monsters University. (This last one has nothing to do with charity. It’s just badass.)

Aww, forget about his humanitarian endeavors; I mean COME ON, he’s like a big pink gorilla! Just watch this absolute freak of nature move:

That’s 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds for you, Manny! Well done, you big spicy fuck:

Thank you for reading, everyone, and have a great day!

— OGM