Manuel Neuer: My Nonsexual (but Still Gay as Hell) Man-Crush from Germany

Manuel Neuer - German National Team Captain and Goalkeeper
“There is none like You, O LORD; You are great, and great is Your name in might.” — Jeremiah 10:6 — (Image Credit: Steindy [] Subject to CC 3.0 License.)
Before moving to Germany, I really didn’t give a monkey’s nut about soccer. I still don’t, to be perfectly honest with you. But being here for that 2014 FIFA World Cup? That was awesome. My German wife and I watched a bunch of games that season, and I even wrote a couple blog posts about the whole championship experience from my perspective as a clueless outsider:

But what I really noticed was how well the German national team played, well… as a team. Of course you had your big goal-scoring, kick-the-ball-in-the-net-thingie type guys, like Thomas MüllerMario Götze and Miroslav Klose, but the true strength of the team was in their cooperation. They played together and they won together. And by “won,” I mean kicked the everyloving monkeyshit out of everybody. (Especially Brazil, those poor sons of bitches.)

But there was one member of the German team who stood out from the rest; one heroic titan of a man who not only defended the virginal sanctity of the German goal posts, but managed to capture the admiration of soccer fans around the world. I am talking, of course, about the goalkeeper, captain of the German national soccer team, and mold from which all things sexy are cast: Manuel Neuer.

Manuel Neuer - German National Team Captain and Goalkeeper
“Earthlings, please contain your orgasms.” — (Image Credit: Steindy [] Subject to CC 3.0 License.)
Born in 1986 (making him just 28 years-old during the 2014 World Cup), standing 6′ 4″ tall and weighing in at 203 lbs, Neuer is the perfect specimen of all that is man. He has the sort of baby face which is simultaneously youthful and handsome — indicative of his origin as the lovechild of Superman and God’s favorite cherub. And he has these gigantic banana hands too, which not only slap away penalty shots like uppity mosquitoes, but suggest he also sports the most glorious trouser hog in all of Germany. Shit, I bet his unit is so massive one good swing of the hips could repel the tides of the ocean; blot out the sun and leave us all in perpetual night, shuddering for warmth between his megalithic testicles.

But enough about the man’s wedding vegetables. Neuer is more than just a throbbing piston of free-range he-chicken; he’s also a good Catholic boy. He supports a Gelsenkirchen-based Catholic social action group which campaigns against child poverty, plus a youth club in the same city run by Amigonian monks. He raised half a million for charity in a celebrity edition of Wer wird Millionär?, which is the German version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? And he also started a charity foundation for children called the Manuel Neuer Kids Foundation.

Manuel Neuer Kids Foundation Logo
“Dude, you can’t be handsome, rich, talented AND cool. C’mon.” — (Image Credit:
And to top it all off, Neuer did the voiceover for the character Frank McCay in the German version of the 2013 Disney animation, Monsters University. (This last one has nothing to do with charity. It’s just badass.)

Aww, forget about his humanitarian endeavors; I mean COME ON, he’s like a big pink gorilla! Just watch this absolute freak of nature move:

That’s 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds for you, Manny! Well done, you big spicy fuck:

Merkel Diamond from Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany

Thank you for reading, everyone, and have a great day!


30 thoughts

  1. Neuer can suck donkey balls and Schweinstiger can eat a dick. German football can go to hell. Never forget 2014. Vamos Argentina carajo!


  2. Oh you filthy mouthed beagle papa. I don’t like foul language but you are so damned funny I can’t help but laugh my ass of.



  3. another killer post, you make my living in Germany easier when i see you have the same struggles/experiences as i do. Oh God my wife is German too. by the way Philipp Lahm was the captain.


      1. I stand corrected and should really read the context better, Im australian forgive me ;-), so googling tells me Philipp Lahm was captain for the world cup, then looks like Bastian had a go but yes currently its your man crush.


  4. Reblogged this on wineismylife and commented:
    I’m a huge soccer fan having attended events all over the world including three world cups. Bayern Munchen is my favorite club team (I’ve been following them since the 1980s) and Germany has always been my national team being of German descent so naturally when I saw this fantastic article by a fellow blogger I just had to post it. I’ll admit it, I have a bit of a man crush on Manual Neuer myself. Enjoy, courtesy of Oh God, My Wife is German.


  5. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard or agreed with someone on EVERYTHING they said! I am huge Germany fan though my heart lies with Les Blues. None the less I enjoyed this very much!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m a man but I also have a crush on Manu too! Truly the best goalie and perfect that he is now the captain of Die Mannschaft. One of the main reason I’m an FC Bayern fan is seeing him in the pitch.


  7. I’m literally DEAD. I just have no words, now I can’t even use his name as Manuel or Manu because Manny pops in my head. God, I try to look at the man respectfully and now you’ve ruined it all for me 😭😩


  8. IDFK why I keep coming back to read this, I mean, it’s just mind blowing, American expat. Jesus, I swear, someone needs to make Manuel read this and record his reaction. I think about his glorious trouser hog enough and you just make it worse. And oh, we earthlings, CANNOT contain our orgasms, thank you.


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