Let me begin by saying my German wife and I are disgusting. And as I’ve mentioned before: My wife is a world-class belcher. She can rip a skull fart unlike any other; so long and so loud, it actually hurts my ears (and turns my stomach). It’s like a combination of paper being slowly torn in half, plus the soul-shaking growl of Satan’s favorite minion as he is disgorged into this mortal realm from the 8th Sphere of Hell.
After a few years of marriage, I decided to learn from the master herself and up my burping game. With a little practice and absolutely no sense of shame, I finally learned to fire off a decent throat honk. (The results are pleasing to us both.) But where hers are tinny and painful to the inner ear, mine are deeper, with just the right amount of bass; kind of like the retarded lovechild of an Australian cane toad and a foghorn.
So the other day, I was pounding a bottle of mineral water while we watched TV on the couch. I took one last swallow, straightened my neck and serenaded my wife with a deafening bell ringer. Then, I turned to her with all the pride in the world and announced, “I learned that from you.” My wife nodded her head and turned back to the TV, saying:
“Yeah, that definitely grew on my dung.”*
*From the German expression, “Es ist auf meinem Mist gewachsen,” which figuratively means, “It (or that) originated from my idea,” but translates literally to, “It grew on my manure.”
And on a side note, I’m trying to help raise money for my buddy’s adoption costs. (We’ve already raised $1,000+ so far! You guys are awesome!) And yeah yeah, I know; everyone is hitting you up for money this time of year. I get it. It’s annoying. But grow a pair and at least forward this to your friends on Facebook. Please click the link below and then click “Share on Facebook.”
This is Kailane Santos, a beautiful little girl from Brazil:
Our friends Taiala and Sonji Drakos are trying to adopt her, but their funds have run out. If you’ve got a second, please read their story and forward it on Facebook or the social media platform of your choice. And if you’ve got a couple bucks to spare too? That would be awesome.
Here’s the link: Help our friends adopt Kailane!
Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!