Violent Arachnophobia: My German Wife Kills the Biggest Spider Ever

Giant German House Spider
“Hello Satan. I knew you’d come for me one day.”

There are lots of things I love about my German wife — she’s smart, funny and beautiful, to name a few — but she also has this one particular characteristic which warms my heart every time I see it: Whenever she sees a spider in our home, she grabs the nearest shoe, swings it up over her head and brings it down with ten thousand times the crushing force necessary to end its life.

You see, when it comes to executing spiders, my wife tends not to fuck around. Oh, she’s not proud of herself for killing them — she knows they’re mostly harmless and she should probably just let them outside instead — but nevertheless, her knee-jerk reaction to seeing a spider is murder, and I just love that about her.

My wife is actually a very gentle person, and she abhors violence. That’s why the spider can’t be too big. If it’s huge, she starts to see it as “more of an animal,” and can’t bring herself to kill it. Me? I’m the exact opposite. I believe in spider karma, so I’ll readily share my office with a tiny little wall crawler. I’ll even talk to it. Name it Sebastián or something. But if I see some giant, hairy bastard come swaggering in, I’ll jump up and stomp that bitch straight back to hell.

I actually wrote a blog post about this very subject last year: American Expat in Germany Nearly Killed by an Acorn, Vents His Shame upon the Biggest Spider in the Universe. The spider in that story was bigger than a €1 euro coin. But just a few nights ago, my wife and I were sitting in the kitchen when an even bigger spider ran across the floor. This one was the size of an American silver dollar:

American Silver Dollar
“Disgusting.” — Image Credit: PhotoAtelier (https://www.flickr.com/photos/glenbledsoe/) — Subject to CC 2.0 License.

Now, we were mid-sentence when she saw it, so you can imagine my alarm when her eyes went wide and suddenly darted down and to the left. Oh great, I thought to myself, I get to spend my Friday night chasing a plague rat out of the house.

I was actually sort of relieved when I saw it was just a spider, but oh my Christ was it huge. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any spare change to toss at the beast for comparison, so you can’t appreciate its size from the video I recorded, but you can bare witness to its execution.

Check it out, and have a great week everyone!

— OGM

 

Advertisements

17 thoughts

  1. Well done! I, too, abhor violence against any living thing, unless it’s spiders or snakes, then I become a killing machine without mercy. I try not to be, but….!

    A better solution I came onto in later life, though is cats. Yes, my two cutey-pie Persians Andy and Dougy are little snuggle bunnies, but put a spider in front of them, and they revert to their true sabre kitten natures, tormenting the poor spider to death, batting it into submission, then, when it stops wiggling, eating it with gusto reserved for a can of tuna!

    Best of all, if the cats kill the spider, I don’t feel guilt! “It’s just the way of cats. I can’t change cat nature after all.”

    Like

  2. That WAS a big spider! One of our family cats was an effective sadist: it killed bugs or spiders by pulling off all but one or two legs – then he sat and watched the victim “walk” in tiny circles till it died!

    Like

  3. Ugh! The mess that is there on the ground or maybe the wallpaper, if you crush them, holds to make me kill them that way. I prefer the version with the glass and a piece of cardboard – you never know. I prefer to play it safe when it comes that I end up in a home with slashed-smashed killerspiderzombies haunting me…

    Like

  4. I can relate to your wife. I’m actually afraid of spiders, but I’ve managed to conquer my fear and be brave enough to kill the little ones. With the bigger ones, I’m not ready yet :D

    Like

  5. Oh the poor thing! I realise I am pretty alone with my views here but I actually do like spiders. Mainly because mozzies and flies piss me off while spiders don’t bug ME but eat THEM instead.

    Anyway, I admire your wife’s restraint to wait long enough to capture the execution on film :)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Urgh, we get some big spiders here in South Africa – the shoe method only works with the little ones – so if there’s a giant arachnid indoors, use a broom or vacuum cleaner, if it’s outdoors (but threatening to come indoors) the hose is your best option.

    Like

  7. Ok, first that spider’s name was Charlotte. Second, do you not know that you NEVER put any appendage near a dead spider. It can and WILL leap to life and suck your life blood away, or more likely it will shoot poison straight into your eye causing instant paralysis so that you can do nothing but watch as it sucks your life force away (well, that is what my neurotic fear of spiders tells me anyway).

    Like

  8. I do the opposite of what some of the commenters here do. i purposely crush mosquitos and spiders on my walls (especially near the windows) as a warning to the others.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. In my childhood, I hunted those big spiders with a big canning rubber. They exploded into a fine mist and only the legs were left, so they didn’t leave a greasy spot on the wall. Now I have a cat that kills spiders for fun.

    Like

      1. Housewares. Ask your wife for Einweckgummis. (I assume you didn’t ask for a spider-killing cat ? ^^ )

        Like

What do you think? We welcome your feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s