Denglish 89: How My German Wife Improves Our Sunday Night Frozen Pizzas

domo pizza funny
“My entire life has been prelude to this moment.” — Photo by Jeff Kramer (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeffk/)

The Wife and I are in the habit of making pizzas on Sundays. We do this to combat the stress and depression of knowing the weekend is at an end, and we must both face the reality that tomorrow is another soul-crushing Monday. Sunday nights are almost worse than Monday mornings, because at least with Monday mornings you know the fun has died. You’re over it, and you’ve moved on with your life. But Sunday nights? Oh, those are just the beginning of the end.

Now, I’m an American male, so I try to be as tough as humanly possible. When I cut my finger dicing onions, I usually manage not to hurl at the sight of my own blood. When I slam my finger in a car door, I walk it off (generally around the corner and out of sight, where I can sob like a little bitch). So, being the tough-as-nails American manly man that I am, trust me when I say I don’t cry often. But when I do? Oh, it’s Sunday night.

But you know what helps? Pizza. You’d be surprised at the effectiveness of pizza to combat the Sunday night blues. It gives you something to look forward to, and — let’s be honest — it tastes like sexy heaven. Like an angel’s underpants. And you don’t even have to make a pizza from scratch for it to be awesome; The Wife and I just buy those cheap-ass, nasty-ass frozen sumbitches from the supermarket. (Because we’re just classy like that.) But you know what we do to our pizzas before we cook them? We dress ’em up like handsome gentlemen.

Extra tomato sauce. Extra pepperoni. Extra cheese. Half an onion. Chili peppers. Spinach. Ham. Whatever the hell we’ve got laying around the house. (Pretzels. Old sneakers. The dog. We throw all that shit on there.) But there really isn’t a very good expression for this activity. You can “dress up” your pizza, “add toppings” or “make it awesomer,” but nothing has caught on in our household quite like the expression my wife used the other night as I was walking out of the kitchen:

THE WIFE: “Okay, you go to the bathroom while I pimp our pizza.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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47 thoughts

  1. Hi, I like your blog!
    We say that too, we even use it in German. “Ich pimpe meine Pizza” (ich pimpe, du pimpst, er pimpt…) I think we just love MTV’s “Pimp my ride”… and it’s easier to say than “Ich motze meine Pizza auf”

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      1. “Gestern habe ich meine Pizza gepimpt” should do it. Now this is kind of dangerous terrain here, because “pimpern” is something else again.
        Love the blog, by the way. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

        I am German myself and I really don’t envy you people trying to put up with our weird language and customs like the Brautentführung that almost spoiled your wedding =)

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  2. We did a lot of that sort of “dress-up” with pizza and other prepared food when the kids were small and time was short. BTW, German frozen food was usually superior to American frozen food back then.

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  3. Hey OGMWIG! I’m so glad my wife and I are not the only ones. We have been doing exactly this same thing for the last four years or so. We also get the nasty frozen mini-pizzas (8 in a packet), and then “pimp” the heck out of them. It’s awesome! (We recently had to have our oven checked out because it was acting up. The first thing we panicked about was the Sunday night pizzas. Thankfully it was sorted out before it became and international incident)
    Kindred spirits, I tell you…. Kindred Spirits! Hehehe.
    Keep it real.
    Cheers.

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  4. Oh God, My Wife Is German | September 30, 2013 at 6:11 pm | Reply

    Nice! Is he or she a German, by chance?
    ———–

    Sorry, was away a couple days – to answer that, yeah – she’s German. I’m the American who is slowly corrupting her :) haha

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  5. Jeeeez, because of your “Pizza pimping” I had to clean up my entire office desk, including monitor, keyboard and phone when I just sipped my diet coke and spit it all over the place. I’m grateful today there’s nobody else in than me. LOOOOL
    Hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh. I really needed that!!

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  6. Your blog is great – I always have a hearty chuckle when I read your newest post. I lived in Germany for a year back in 2008 and now I’m back for a few months doing some research. So, I can sympathize with so much of what you write. I love it. Keep on keepin’ on! And Viel Glueck!

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