German-American Couple Takes the Steinhuder Meer Bike Tour (And I Have an Allergic Reaction to Eel Meat)
“Bike tour on a beautiful summer day? Obviously something bad is going to happen.”
On a lovely Saturday in August, The Wife and I rode our bikes to the Hannover Hauptbahnhof, got on the S-Bahn and rode that sumbitch out to Wunstorf Station. There, we got back on our bikes and took a glorious ride to the Steinhuder Meer; the largest lake in northwestern Germany.
It’s beautiful, with tons of paddle boats, row boats, sail boats and young people making out on the dock like they ain’t got no shame at all. In the middle of the lake is a small artificial island called Wilhelmstein, with an 18th-century castle on top. (Leave it to some rich old German bastard to build himself a castle. Jesus. I can’t even afford a new bike helmet.)
The Steinhuder Meer is a big lake. It covers an area of about 12 square miles (30 km), but it’s super shallow. Its average depth is 4.4 feet (1.35 m), which means an average person could walk right across it… except for those few spots where it hits 9.8 feet deep. That’s when you go in over your head and scream like a little girl. Air bubbles rising to the surface. Eels coiling around your ankles. Underpants filling with trouser apples.
I’m not kidding about those eels though. The Steinhuder Meer is lousy with ’em, and the nearby town of Steinhude sells eel sandwiches in every pub, deli and restaurant you can find. Now, I have a deep and enduring fear of eels. Take one look at a group of eels and you just know they’re evil. Evil, and cursed by God.
So, it was with a good measure of apprehension that I tasted the eel sandwich my wife bought at Schweer’s Aalräucherei. I considered it a revenge bite. Revenge against every eel in the world just for creeping me out. Unfortunately, I am allergic to fish. I had no clue eels were in any way related to fish (I am a wiser man now), so of course I just went for it; I took a huge bite and swallowed that mother like it done me wrong, and I discovered exactly 2 things in the following moments:
Eel meat is super oily and tastes like rubber bands dipped in toilet water.
I am allergic to eel meat. It causes my lips, mouth and throat to swell up, turn red and itch like unholy hellfire.
I am no stranger to this allergic reaction. I’ve tried all sorts of fish, and the only one I can get away with is tuna. Something about tuna fish is just fine with my body. So is shell fish, like lobster and shrimp. But every other kind of fish — especially salmon — makes my throat itch and my lips swell up and stick out like a Simpsons character. The sensation is a combination of burning, itching and aching all wrapped up in one mix of poetic justice. Fortunately, it comes on in like 30 seconds — so fast I can’t really ingest enough to be in any danger of asphyxiation — so I just put the stupid fish down, say, “God dammit,” and wait 45 minutes for the swelling to subside.
After my reaction to the disgusting eel meat, we had a fantastic day and took a bunch of pictures. Click on one below to start the slideshow and, as always, we hope you can dig ’em!
Wunstorf Station, where the adventure begins. Actually, this station is boring as all hell. I don’t even know why I took this picture.
You see that Fahrradstation? It was full to the roof with bicycles. They were just crammed in there… like fat chickens in an egg farm.
This is the saddest dog in Germany. I named him Manic-Depressive Barkenstein. (He’s on enough mood stabilizers to kill a horse.)
I love the detail in this sign. “CAUTION: Straight-backed nerds on bikes ahead.”
I had a pretty good sneezing fit here as we were riding. I wish I’d caught it on tape, because I almost drove my bike straight into that tree.
It’s hard to tell, but that is a very steep hill. I tried to haul-ass up it, but my wife said I was going too fast. Then I said, “That’s what she said!” And then I realized, yes, that is literally what she just said. Also, I accused myself of being an overly zealous lover …and I’m an idiot.
Here’s the forest you’ll read about if you look into the Steinhuder Meer bike tour. It’s supposed to be beautiful and majestic, but I spent the whole ride pretending I was Frodo leaving the Shire. “If I take one more step, it’ll be — OH SHIT, POTHOLE — the farthest away from home I’ve ever been.”
This is the first restaurant you’ll see when you get to the town of Steinhude. My wife wouldn’t let me get brew doggs there; she wanted to see the stupid pretty lake first.
Here’s the walking path right next to the lake. I considered blurring these people’s faces to protect their privacy, but then I remembered they’ll never see this picture because they’re old and don’t know how to use computers. “JUST CLICK ‘SEND’ GRANDMA! FUCK!”
Here’s where you can rent paddle boats and sail boats to explore the lake. The Wife and I arrived too late to make a rental worth while, but next time, it’s on. (And I am absolutely bringing beer on board, because I’m a rebel. Wait, that’s totally allowed here? … I’ll still feel like a badass.)
Here’s the little park in Steinhude. Isn’t it cute? I bet you nothing bad ever happens here. “Welcome to the Town of Steinhude. Population: 4,895. Hobos Stabbed: 0”
There’s the dock with a rainbow sailboat in the background. Looks kind of like the ocean, doesn’t it? Trust me: this bitch is a lake, and she is FAT.
Ah yes, German couples sucking face in public. I’ve grown accustomed to seeing this behavior. Now, I like to pretend I’m a private detective spying on married people as they commit adultery.
Those are some of the crazy paddle boats you can rent. I don’t know how much they cost, but it’s probably several beers-worth of money. (That’s how I assign value to everything.)
Look at these young people in love, just basking in the sun. Instead of the beached whales you see in the States, these Germans look like angels fallen from heaven. And their hair is PERFECT …God damn them.
Look, another happy couple. Yeah right. I bet you that dude has a wife at home and that’s his little slice of pie on the side. What a pig.
Some of the paddle boats even come with slides. “This water is only 4 feet deep? Aw screw it. Wheeeee!” *spash* “Oh my God I have broken my legs.”
There were a bunch of ducks swimming around the dock, hoping to be fed. “Not today, bum! Get a job.”
Here’s a majestic shot of a dude in a paddle boat. Off in the distance on the right you can see the Wilhelmstein island. “You got a long way to go, buddy!”
Look at that. Germans asleep on the dock. Do you think they woke up at like midnight? “JESUS it’s cold out here.”
There’s another paddle boat with a slide. I guess I thought they were pretty cool at the time. Now I’m struggling to remember why I kept taking pictures of them.
I’m always taking pictures of sunsets, and every single time they come out nowhere near as cool as the real thing. And then I just keep right on doing it, over and over…
Here’s a piece of artwork. Sorta looks like two sperm cells chasing each other.
Another piece of art. I call this one, “Flag Stabbing Bacon Slices.”
Oh God. Here are the eels. When my wife said she was going to buy an eel sandwich, I hoped they’d use one of these freaks. No such luck.
If you ever want to eat an eel sandwich, here’s the place to do it. Schweer’s Aalräucherei: “The place to stick a little bit of horror in your mouth.”
I always thought eel meat would be black as the darkest night… just like their souls. Nope. It’s a pale and sickly white.
This is a miniature boat. I asked the guy if I could take a picture, and he was like, “Yeah, whatever.” Man, you’d think he’d be grateful someone actually cares about his nerd hobby.
There’s Captain Nerdling casting off his miniature boat, “The Steamboat Dickenbeans.”
Steamboat Dickenbeans was radio controlled. If its owner had let me drive it, I would have torpedoed that hunk of junk straight into the first obstacle I could find.
Look at this little path leading to that giant salt mine. It looks more like pepper in this picture, but I wanted to lick it anyway.
My wife took this picture because I was actually hidden inside, stealing ears of corn. The joke was on me, however, because that corn tasted like hot gummy ass. I don’t think it was meant for human consumption. I think it was meant for feeding beef cattle.
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Weird. I didn’t know I had moved to Hannover, I thought I lived in Frankfurt. But with the exception of the wife being a man, this is me. Fish allergy, pizza sunday and all.
Hah, all I ever did was cycling AROUND the Steinhuder Meer. And once we were finished we had to eat an ice cream. So we tasted our way through all of the 7 Magnum Deadly Sins of that summer. The last one was probably as disgusting as your eel sandwich!
Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
Weird. I didn’t know I had moved to Hannover, I thought I lived in Frankfurt. But with the exception of the wife being a man, this is me. Fish allergy, pizza sunday and all.
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Really?! Sweet! :)
You’re allergic to fish too? Can you eat salmon?
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Hah, all I ever did was cycling AROUND the Steinhuder Meer. And once we were finished we had to eat an ice cream. So we tasted our way through all of the 7 Magnum Deadly Sins of that summer. The last one was probably as disgusting as your eel sandwich!
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Woah! Magnum ice cream? Awesome!
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