Video: Expat Bachelor Weekend Ends with Frenzied Housecleaning and the TUI Marathon in Hannover, Germany

Over the weekend of May 5, 2013, my German wife was at an overnight bachelorette party with her friends in Braunschweig, Germany. I had the apartment all to myself, so I did what any self-respecting American male would do when his wife is out of town; I stripped down to my undies, watched porn, ate beans straight out of the can and drank a fifth of vodka.

The next morning, as I emerged from my coma of bachelorhood with nervous bowels and a headache, I left the apartment to go do whatever chores my wife had asked me to do before she left. I had no idea what those chores were because I wasn’t listening, but the point is I was in no mood to find myself in the middle of the goddamn 2013 Hannover TUI Marathon.

What follows is a video of this marathon, which I recorded with shaking hands and thinly veiled contempt.

I retreated from these strangely tribal sounds and dragged myself home. My wife was due to return from Braunschweig very soon, and she likes to keep our apartment nice. Now, remember, for the past 24 hours I’d had the apartment all to myself, so you can imagine how thoroughly its state of order devolved from “Euro Chic” to “Hurricane Pig Grenade.”

Check out these pictures I took 5 minutes before my wife walked through the door, when I was scrambling to clean up everything like a tornado made of panic and teardrops.*

* What has two thumbs and is totally up for the Husband of the Year Award? THIS guy.

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36 thoughts

  1. “a tornado made of panic and teardrops” You just created a phrase that I never knew I needed until now.


  2. I thought I had been banished. No posts have appeared in my reader for weeks…

    However, now that you have reappeared, I thought I would comment. (Perhaps why I was banished?) There is also a blended gene that allows females to behave similarly when their significant others are away. I applaud you for your brutal honesty and chilling photography. I am a coward, prone to hiding any and all solitary household behavior, and will only add AMEN brother!


  3. Wow. That marathon is quite something. I think I could run to that, but look what you stumbled into! Just thank God you didn’t have to run it! I say Bravo for fixing your wife stir fry. She must have been quite pleased with that. You do know how to enjoy your alone time. Well done.


  4. Hah, I do the same thing with my frying pan. My fridge is never stocked-up enough to not have some space left for some cooking dish.

    By the way, what was the reaction of that random German to the Bohnenbeutel?


  5. Aha… this sounds “male”… LOL Nevertheless it made me chuckle, then giggle – and then laugh loudly, trying to picture how you’re trying to “emergency clean-up” for five minutes before your wife shows up at the doorstep… *grin*
    I would have wanted to see the apartment when she entered. :-)


    1. By the time my wife saw it, Raani, it was spotless. I also had a welcome home sign displayed, candles lit, a bottle of champagne and a DVD of The Hobbit ready to go. But these things aren’t funny, so I cut them from the story. :) Had to be done. In the name of humor, you see…


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