Video: Expat Bachelor Weekend Ends with Frenzied Housecleaning and the TUI Marathon in Hannover, Germany
Over the weekend of May 5, 2013, my German wife was at an overnight bachelorette party with her friends in Braunschweig, Germany. I had the apartment all to myself, so I did what any self-respecting American male would do when his wife is out of town; I stripped down to my undies, watched porn, ate beans straight out of the can and drank a fifth of vodka.
The next morning, as I emerged from my coma of bachelorhood with nervous bowels and a headache, I left the apartment to go do whatever chores my wife had asked me to do before she left. I had no idea what those chores were because I wasn’t listening, but the point is I was in no mood to find myself in the middle of the goddamn 2013 Hannover TUI Marathon.
What follows is a video of this marathon, which I recorded with shaking hands and thinly veiled contempt.
I retreated from these strangely tribal sounds and dragged myself home. My wife was due to return from Braunschweig very soon, and she likes to keep our apartment nice. Now, remember, for the past 24 hours I’d had the apartment all to myself, so you can imagine how thoroughly its state of order devolved from “Euro Chic” to “Hurricane Pig Grenade.”
Check out these pictures I took 5 minutes before my wife walked through the door, when I was scrambling to clean up everything like a tornado made of panic and teardrops.*
Welcome to the Stink Nest, where the bed goes unmade, the sheets are unclean and the window stays closed in order to contain every last wisp of my toot-vapor.
This was breakfast, lunch and dinner, baby. Only thing missing were the kidney beans I ate right out of the can with a wooden spoon.
Orange juice, industrial-strength drain cleaner, a broken bike tire pump and a NEW bike tire pump. Shit got DONE that weekend, dammit (no matter what my wife tells you).
This was my Undies-Only Entertainment Chamber. Obviously a huge mess, but so what? It’s not like I was expecting company. The only person I needed to impress was me, and I say it was AWESOME.
This is how a MAN goes on a shopping spree: he heads to the nearest drugstore, finds the shaving aisle, buys the shit he needs and goes home to fiddle his nightstick. Mission accomplished.
I overcooked the sweet holy hell out of some pasta, used half of it, then let the rest dry to a crisp in the strainer because I wasn’t sure if I would want to eat it later. (I didn’t.)
In Bachelortown, we do not touch our dirty dishes until mere seconds before our wives come home. Also, that red thing in the pot is an idiot-proof egg timer, which failed to prevent me from overboiling my eggs so hard they tasted like Zeus’s balls.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? And if a stove is left so filthy it is considered a biohazard in 49 out of 50 countries, but no one shows up in a hazMat suit to put it in quarantine, can it still boil water? Yes. The answer is yes.
I thought I was being a good husband when I made a pan of stir-fry for my wife to enjoy upon her return. I just didn’t have the energy to put it into smaller containers. Whatever. That sumbitch fit in the fridge just fine after a little pushing, shoving and plastic cracking.
* What has two thumbs and is totally up for the Husband of the Year Award? THIS guy.
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I thought I had been banished. No posts have appeared in my reader for weeks…
However, now that you have reappeared, I thought I would comment. (Perhaps why I was banished?) There is also a blended gene that allows females to behave similarly when their significant others are away. I applaud you for your brutal honesty and chilling photography. I am a coward, prone to hiding any and all solitary household behavior, and will only add AMEN brother!
Wow. That marathon is quite something. I think I could run to that, but look what you stumbled into! Just thank God you didn’t have to run it! I say Bravo for fixing your wife stir fry. She must have been quite pleased with that. You do know how to enjoy your alone time. Well done.
Aha… this sounds “male”… LOL Nevertheless it made me chuckle, then giggle – and then laugh loudly, trying to picture how you’re trying to “emergency clean-up” for five minutes before your wife shows up at the doorstep… *grin*
I would have wanted to see the apartment when she entered. :-)
By the time my wife saw it, Raani, it was spotless. I also had a welcome home sign displayed, candles lit, a bottle of champagne and a DVD of The Hobbit ready to go. But these things aren’t funny, so I cut them from the story. :) Had to be done. In the name of humor, you see…
Hi, I do think your website might be having web browser compatibility problems.
When I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in IE, it’s got some overlapping issues. I simply wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Aside from that, fantastic website!
Hey! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website
with us so I came to look it over. I’m definitely loving the information.
I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
Fantastic blog and great design and style.
Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
That’s what you witnesses with an epic hangover? How many people were slapped or did you even count?
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Like two or three. Mostly I was just coldcocking toddlers. They’re slower. :)
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“a tornado made of panic and teardrops” You just created a phrase that I never knew I needed until now.
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Sweet! Always nice to make new phrases.
Thank you for reading and commenting Polly! Please come back anytime!
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Lucky you didn’t mix up the orange juice and the drain cleaner in your frenzy!
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Oh my God you’re right… my party could have turned into a suicide. Next time I will label everything clearly, just to be sure.
Thank you for stopping by, Expat Eye!
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I thought I had been banished. No posts have appeared in my reader for weeks…
However, now that you have reappeared, I thought I would comment. (Perhaps why I was banished?) There is also a blended gene that allows females to behave similarly when their significant others are away. I applaud you for your brutal honesty and chilling photography. I am a coward, prone to hiding any and all solitary household behavior, and will only add AMEN brother!
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Weird. Were out posts going into your spam folder?
We would hate to miss out on a reader like you!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, West!
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If I was running in that marathon, those drummers would motivate me to put on a burst of speed to get away from that racket !
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Amen, soul-brother (or sister).
Thank you for reading and have a wonderful day!
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I am positive that my house looks eerily similar when I have left Captain Canada all by his lonesome.
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Haw haw haw, ‘Captain Canada.’
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Wow. That marathon is quite something. I think I could run to that, but look what you stumbled into! Just thank God you didn’t have to run it! I say Bravo for fixing your wife stir fry. She must have been quite pleased with that. You do know how to enjoy your alone time. Well done.
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Thank you Bumble! Oh yeah, Husband of the Year award material, right here. :) Oh God.
Have an awesome day!
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Taaame!! You just described my place and I don’t even drink! LOL
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You simply must post pictures of your own hovel. We need this. :)
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No, I don’t think that would be wise. Lets not terrorise the villagers! ;)
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:)
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I’m so laughing at this. All of it.
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Hey thank you Gwen! I really appreciate the encouragement!
Have an awesome day and please come back often!
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Reblogged this on liefiewashere.
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Thank you for the reblog Liefie! I appreciate it!
Great blog, by the way. Have an awesome day!
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Bitte schön. I have not been here for a while.
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LOL :) or in German: lachmichschlapp ;)
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Sounds like a supurb weekend! I suppose the women have to come back or we’d never have to clean the place.
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EXACTLY.
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Hah, I do the same thing with my frying pan. My fridge is never stocked-up enough to not have some space left for some cooking dish.
By the way, what was the reaction of that random German to the Bohnenbeutel?
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No idea. I just take all these comments in stride. :)
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Republicou isso em Beleza e bem estare comentado:
lindo carro, essa casa arborizada , deve ser muito bom morar ai
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Aha… this sounds “male”… LOL Nevertheless it made me chuckle, then giggle – and then laugh loudly, trying to picture how you’re trying to “emergency clean-up” for five minutes before your wife shows up at the doorstep… *grin*
I would have wanted to see the apartment when she entered. :-)
LikeLike
By the time my wife saw it, Raani, it was spotless. I also had a welcome home sign displayed, candles lit, a bottle of champagne and a DVD of The Hobbit ready to go. But these things aren’t funny, so I cut them from the story. :) Had to be done. In the name of humor, you see…
LikeLike
Hi, I do think your website might be having web browser compatibility problems.
When I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in IE, it’s got some overlapping issues. I simply wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Aside from that, fantastic website!
LikeLike
Are you… are you seriously still using Internet Explorer?
LikeLike
Hey! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website
with us so I came to look it over. I’m definitely loving the information.
I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
Fantastic blog and great design and style.
LikeLike