I have always suffered from hay fever. Every spring, between May and July, my allergies go nuts. And I’m from Portland, Oregon, mind you, which resides in the valley between the Cascade Mountain Range and the Pacific Coast Mountains like a breakfast bowl full of pollen spores.
Portlanders know all about seasonal allergies. My friend Looney Tunes moved to Portland just a few years ago and said, “I thought I was going to die.” That’s how hard our pollen count schooled him. It took him to school and fed him crackers.
My other friend, who I will call “Midnight in Wyoming,” moved to Portland and said of his resulting allergy attacks, “I wanted to shoot myself in the head.” (I’m not sure we can take this seriously, however, coming from a man who dances the Electric Slide.)
As a native Oregonian, I’m accustomed to allergy attacks. They are an annual norm for me, but I thought things might be different in Germany. Perhaps the trees will be different there, I thought. Maybe the flowers and grasses will make a kinder, gentler brand of pollen. Oh no, they have the same shit over here, and it’s working me over like it hates me. Like I slept with its mother… Ivanna Sneezeonyourwiener.
Holy mother of Joseph, I wake up feeling like hell every morning; my eyelids fused together with tears and eyeball honey. My throat is so itchy I feel like I swallowed a blond-haired, blue-eyed hairball. I sneeze like 15 times before my Earl Grey is done steeping (and yes, I put milk in it like a total fruitcake. Whatever man. I’m 1/4 English).
What in the hell, Germany. Clearly you do not respect my generic, Costco-purchased Claritin. I brought this shit all the way from the States, where we don’t have to talk to a pharmacist to buy a bottle of NyQuil. Where we enjoy so much freedom we can buy DayQuil and NyQuil and take them both at the same time.
Anybody else gettin’ nailed by allergies right now? What’s a red-blooded American supposed to do against pollen spores the size of soccer balls? Why am I mixing metaphors like an inebriated Irishman? Oh, hello beer stein full of sweet, golden Pilsner — why yes, you are just the medicine I was looking for.
And now, Dear Reader, I would like to invite you to watch this video I made. It’s a rapid-fire compilation of my sneezes over the past week. I only managed to record about half of them, since sneeze attacks come on super fast and my iPhone takes forever to switch into video mode, but here they are, in all their eye-watering, head-pounding, snot-rocketing glory. (Warning: video contains minor swearing.)
Click here to learn more about the term “Culture Shock.”
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
This is hilarious! I love the generic Costco Claritin bit. I feel for you, I too am suffering and like Midnight In Wyoming, want to shoot myself in the head!
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Ugh. Horrible.
Your allergies are pretty bad this year too?
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Dude, why aren’t you on a first-name basis with the folks down at the Apotheke? You know, to the extent that the moment you step through the front door, you hear the unmistakeable “tut-tut” sounds, and without prompting, packets of Tempo tissues and Loratadin tablets are shoved into the line of your declining vision and runny nostrils. Not that I’ve experienced this, mind … ;-)
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Now there’s a good idea. :)
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I’m sorry, but that’s just too funny. And bless you.
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Thank you Michelle! I appreciate it. :)
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I feel your pain. Have also had hayfever most of my life…however, I get shots in my turbinates to ward off the evil spirits and salt water nasal lavaging helps a lot….Claritin NEVER worked for me…
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I’m beginning to think it never actually worked for me either. I’ll check out the salt water thing. Thank you!
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Always put milk in tea… It’s not like the Earl Grey was from Baden Baden (it’s so good they named it twice!) or somewhere equally continental! Tea without milk is for when you are ill and are told to put honey and lemon in it.
Long live milky tea!
PS. Hope the hayfever gets better soon!
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Thank you JC! I must share this with my wife, so she sees it’s really quite civilized. :)
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Death!! Death to German Pollen!! I wake up every morning and want to stick a fork down my throat to scratch it.. So itchy! And then it’s a sneeze attack haha siiigh
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Totally!
Where in Germany have you experienced the worst pollen?
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I’m near Karlsruhe and I feel awful every morning. Sometimes we drive past these fields of yellow flowers and then I pretty much want to die haha
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I understand. I’ve seen a lot of these yellow flowers recently. I think the Germans make canola oil out of them. Although… knowing this does not help at all…
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Life sometimes plays cruel jokes on us doesn’t it? My husband suffered from a horrible ragweed allergy his whole entire life living in Ontario. It figured that once we got them under control with some annual allergy shots we them moved to Germany, where he is naturally allergen free. However, the past few days we’ve come to think that I must have developed a mild allergy to something in our local farm-fresh, manure scented air. I strongly suspect the airborne poo particles. Sunday I woke up with watery eyes which lasted all day and today it has taken on a less fluid consistency. Ugh. Keep your pockets full of tissue and carry on my friend!
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Thank you for the sympathy! My wife brought me some stronger meds, but I honestly think nothing can mess with German pollen.
How much do annual allergy shots cost, by the way?
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I believe they were covered by our insurance in Canada, so I’m not quite sure. You should definitely ask your doctor about them though. My husband had to see an allergist to see exactly what he was allergic to first, and then he was able to start the injections, which he began well in advance of his allergy season.
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Aiiiiight. Will do. Thank you, Glasses!
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First, there’s a marvelous med here. I had an attack that normally only prednisone would treat in the US, but they have something here (and I think you may need a prescription) that’s fabulous – Desloratadin, band name AERIUS. Second,go to an allergist. They treat allergies differently here than in the US (where they give you very mild serum for 100 years); Here they give you thermonuclear allergy shots for a very short time (maybe every day for 2 months) and then you’re done. The only problem is that they’ll only treat 1 allergy at a time (instead of the 30 different things that were in my serum back in the US. I haven’t tried that yet because, mercifully, I’ve only had one allergy attack in the 3 years I’ve been here, and the med kicked ass!
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Aerius is actually what my wife brought me to try just a week or two ago! It definitely helped, but I’ve still got some symptoms.
Thank you for the great information!
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Seriously, same here (coming from California and a massive area of orchards). I just received a bottle of 200 Costco-brand benedryl from a friend back home, which worked fine in CA, but isn’t putting a freaking dent in the German pollen \o/ Ugh
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Really? Which part of Germany are you in?
Check out a German brand name medication called Aerius. It’s been helping me.
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Aw, you sound just like me! I live in Houston, which is apparently the allergy capital of Texas. I get four–count ’em–FOUR allergy shots every month because I’m pretty much allergic to the entire world. I take two prescription and one OTC allergy medicines every day. And I STILL sneeze like that this time of year.
At least you are not alone!
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Oh man, that sounds bad. I guess with persistent symptoms like those, your only option is the hook worm. You ever heard about them and their natural allergic reaction suppressant?
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I have, but the whole worms concept really freaks me out. There’s supposedly one that helps with gluten intolerance, which I also have, but it still just—ugh. I can’t even think about it.
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I understand. I guess we can only take comfort in our options, though they may be extreme.
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The allergies kick my ass too, and I never had allergies before I came to Germany!
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Oh really? Man, maybe this is a thing. A big, horrible thing.
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I don’t suffer myself, fortunately, but I hear eating the local honey can get rid of hay fever. You should try it!
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I’ve been told that recently as well, and I am doing it. Thank you!
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Does it help at all? My boyfriend has hayfever but says he doesn’t like honey so much so I don’t want to push him too hard.
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I’m not sure yet. I would imagine it will take months and months of local, organic honey consumption, which might help for allergy season next year. I would imagine the results will be subtle.
I’m honestly more worried about a person who doesn’t like honey. I think we should make him take a honey bath. :)
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ever thought of seeing a specialist? like me?
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You are an allergy specialist in Germany?
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i am. in hannover.
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Right on! Now I know where to go if this Aerius stuff doesn’t work out.
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I nominated you for a silly award I made up. Check it out on my latest post. :)
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Haw! I love it! What a great idea to make up an award.
And thank you very much for the kind words. You’ve got a great blog!
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Ha! That sucks. As you say though what doesn’t suck is having the freedom to buy cold medicine without talking to a pharmacist. For such a laissez-faire culture, the French are pretty uptight about their pharmaceuticals too. Yay for over the counter drugs! Let freedom ring, night and dayquill.
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Haw haw haw haw! Nice.
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Poor thing. I believe that foreign/ brought in medicine or food do not have the effect or taste like local things. I’ve experienced it myself but I don’t know why. My advice: See a specialist and move to one of the North Sea Islands. A friend of mine did that years ago and was happy ever after allergies free I was told. LG Anja
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I watched your video and now all I want to do is sneeze!
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Look away! Look away! :)
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We have the same soundtrack here in NYC. And nature has given us all of the pollen but none of the accompanying warmth and sun traditionally associated with the season. Pure, dull, misery. Great post!
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Thank you Double! Glad you liked it!
How is the weather in NYC right now?
The Wife and I plan to return someday to revisit our special days there. Check out the posts:
https://ohgodmywifeisgerman.com/2012/02/13/new-york-liaison-a-tale-of-love-and-projectile-vomiting-in-the-big-apple-part-i/
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Yesterday was in the 50s, today in the 80s (apparently), or as the rest of the world would say between 0c and 30c or between 10c and 11c. Celsius, you mean nothing to me!
Love the nyc series, hope your next visit is, er, less eventful!
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Haw haw! “Celcius, you mean nothing to me!” — Quote of the day, by doublewhirler.wordpress.com
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And if you need a break on your next Soho shopping extravaganza, you may or may not like to have a beverage at Kelley and Pings (our review here- a shameless plug):
http://doublewhirler.wordpress.com/2013/05/15/kelley-and-ping-soho-nyc/
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Awesome! Will do!
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Holy cow… your allergies REALLY are bad!! I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering… on the other hand: The sneezing concert was nearly impeccable. Except the *goddammit* in between… LOL
I love your post!!!
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Thank you, Raani. Thankfully, my allergies are mostly under control with the help of Aerius. Have you heard of it?
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Hey Hannovers here :)
funny blog and fun to read
my gf suffers from the same allergy. she takes some pills against it but they make you very sleepy as a side effect
cheers
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Has she tried Aerius? It works for me, and has no negative side affects.
Have a wonderful day and please come visit our blog again soon!
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your post all are so funny. i am a german gal married to an us citizen. i prefer not to say american, because america is an continent and canada, mexico and everything below mexico belongs to the continent of america. anyway, i had my whole life very bad allergies as well, which did almost went away the few years in Germany, but than i moved to florida, and i had the worst allergies ever in my whole life. but no more, i got acclimated to florida now. by the way, i wear no wedding band at all, i took if of after a couple of years. didn’t like the thing of wearing two bands at one finger. anyway, enjoy your stay in Germany.
by the way, to keep you from sneezing in the morning, take a shower before you go to bed, washing of the pollen out of your hair, and before you rise in the morning, see that you blow your nose and see that you can make the saline wash through your nostrils, washes the pollens out that have accumulated over night in your nostrils.
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Thank you for the kind words, Silver, and thank you for the advice! Thankfully, I think the tree pollen has stopped for now.
Have a wonderful day and please come visit our blog again soon!
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Tortured by it every Spring here in Japan. Drinking a local pollen seems to do the trick, and of course I have to wear a mask everyday even going to bed. I feel the pain :(
Great blog you have here.
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Wow! A mask even!
Yeah, I’m doing the honey thing too.
Are you allergic to the trees in Japan?
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It seems I am allergic mostly to Japanese cedar tree.
Yes a mask. Everybody wears them here specially around that time of the year so it is not that embarrassing.
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Ohhh. I thought the masks were to prevent colds and other sicknesses. Thank you for sharing, Samokan!
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It is , it’s like a mandatory unwritten rule. Mainly because everybody uses the public transpo, and when its crowded I don’t think you will appreciate people sneezing and coughing without covering.
But during spring it’s like there is a mask festival in every pharmacy in town. Mask of all shapes and sizes are sold. They also have mask for daytime and nighttime use , male or female. Some are even design to make it more fashionable.
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Nice! I need me a sweet mask. Maybe with German flag colors.
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Allergiespritze Voloan A…helped my US friend really well. It’s good for app 3 months and cost under 20 Euros. Good luck!
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Will check it out! Thank you Dee!
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Omg. Dude, you are hilarious! And also, we are living in Germany (Ansbach) and are from Portlanddddddd!! Represent! *raises the roof*. Lets be friendsies! :)
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OH NICE! Thank you for contacting us! Definitely following your blog. Also following on Twitter.
Jesus, you’ve got a seriously professional blog, by the way.
Have an awesome day!
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I LOVE your blog. I just found it and I have been laughing my head off all evening. Im sure your allergy troubles are over by now, but next year, see if you can find some locally grown raw honey and eat a tsp of it every day as soon as the season starts. It works!! Good luck!
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Hi Sarai! Thank you for writing! We’re glad you liked our blog.
I bought a TON of local honey here in Hannover, and have been consuming it with haste. I’m hoping it will pay off next year.
Thank you for the comment and have a great weekend!
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I live in Stuttgart and i sneeze more than this guy on the vid …. I never had any allergies earlier and now i have it from every god damm plants and animals here …. in 30 years i havent had any and now i feel the same like shooting a bullet in my head from May until august ….. Germany i guess has become a cursed land for allergy sufferers or it make you suffer if you werent earlier … Bless you and bless myself …
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I am near Stuttgart too and allergies are killing me right now, just as they did in the spring. What a drag!
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Yeah, what is going on this year?
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