Let me begin by saying I love our apartment here in Hannover, Germany. I love it! My wife did a spectacular job finding us the perfect living space in the perfect neighborhood. I’ve been living here since September and I have no complaints whatsoever. No complaints, that is, except one: the shower.
There is no fan in our bathroom. You see that window in the picture above? It doesn’t open. See that fan-looking hole on the right? That’s not a fan; it’s a simple duct connected to each apartment in our building from the ground floor all the way up to the top. It is the reason we catch whiffs of cigarette smoke drifting into our apartment from time to time. (I suspect it comes from those old, sour-faced cancer-donkeys living beneath us.)
Without proper ventilation, our bathroom fogs up something fierce whenever one of us takes a shower. To compensate, The Wife and I plug an oscillating fan into the wall and set it precariously on top of the medicine cabinet. It doesn’t do much for the condensation on the mirror, but it does a fantastic job of reminding me I will someday be electrocuted as I scrub my pink parts.
Not only is our shower stall tiny, but it has no shower curtain; only the cold, unforgiving sliding glass walls you see in the picture above. Before arriving in Germany, I never realized how much space I really need in order to cleanse my American body. I mean, I knock my elbows into everything. The sliding walls, tiles, mirror, bottle racks, shower handle… I’m like the Tasmanian Devil in there.
And there is this one special moment — it happens during every shower — when my vision goes red and I experience a perfect, poetic sort of blind rage. It’s after I have managed to smash my extremities into every single object around me. After I have dropped my razor for the third time, bent over to retrieve it and knocked a bottle rack from the wall with my forehead, sending my wife’s girly hair products clattering to the floor. It’s right when I am standing back up, about to take a deep breath and count to ten… when I bonk the back of my head against the hot water controller.
Instantly, scalding hot water sears my flesh and sends me up to Rage Level: Bill O’Reilly (Warning, video contains awesome swearing). That’s when I slap the lever back toward cold, which hoses me down with an arctic blast so cold my plums shrivel up and let me know they won’t be making another appearance until spring.
There is one good thing about German showers, however; the shower heads are mounted on handles. I haven’t seen too many showers with handles in the States — mostly in fancy hotel rooms — but Germans love ’em. And I am forced to admit it is quite nice to direct the flow of water wherever I want it, even though the rest of the shower makes me so angry I could flip off a box of kittens.
But let’s not kid ourselves here; shower handles are unnecessary. The only reason Germans like shower handles is because they let you spray warm water directly on your cinnamon ring.
Click here to learn more about the term “Culture Shock.”
For another great article complaining about German showers, check out The Adventures of Heidi Hefeweizen.
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
Hi, and thank you for liking a post on my blog (Hilde in Amerika)! Being the opposite of you (a German wife living in America), I had to check you out when wordpress sent me the notification. I am glad I did, because I think you are hilarious!!!
I am having the opposite bath room problems here, and I am sure they are culturally caused. First, the toilets here are basically water containers, and by using them, you will get your whole behind splashed with toilet water and your own excrements which are jumping back at you with the jumping up water. My solution: I am going in a plastic bucket with no water in it, and then I am plunging the contents into the toilet with the water. Yeah, this might be disgusting for you to read, (and my American husband is shaking his head), but that is still better than getting splashed by excrements every time.
I have brought my fancy shower head from Germany (a French brand, but I don’t want to brag), and luckily my husband was able to attach that thing onto my shower.
I hate American showers! I love to travel, and I am deciding on a hotel by their bathroom facilities! I am not kidding! This terrible “tub and shower combo” is pure hell, and I will not use it! It is neither a tub (because it is too small for any adult, you are only sitting having your legs under water, nothing else!!!) nor is it a shower! This pathetic wall installed water fall coming down – how will I get all body parts clean from that?
I am always saying that these unusable bathrooms are designed by men. Only a guy can get clean with a wall mounted water stream. Please ask you wife if you don’t understand my point! Female genitalia are not back or front, they are basically beneath any spot that water can reach if coming from a wall mounted point. There is simply no way to wash the soap off that way!
Any hotel offering me such a facility will not only never see me (and my money) again, they will also get a bad review on my Tripadvisor account. A hand held shower head is a MUST and a very simple necessity. A huge tub is a wonderful extra, and I am willing to pay for that in hotels, but the hand held thing is just a simple thing I can’t be without.
While I am at it: the lack of good bath rooms in Pennsylvania (I have not seen other houses elsewhere) were the reason we had to search over 2 years until we found the house to buy. You can find great houses, but they are either with pathetic tub/shower combos, or they are in a location you don’t want to live, or they are too expensive. When I found my house, big enough and in the spot where I wanted to live, I had to make compromises on the interior: only American style bath rooms and American water bowl toilets. At least there was a shower stall, and my French handle could be attached.
But I am missing my German bath room so badly! I had a nice shower stall (with plastic transparent walls, as glass is more expensive) and a tub that was really a tub. I don’t know what Americans are thinking when they call their small thing a tub. You can wash two 4-year-olds in that, but not one adult, and absolutely not 2 adults!
Oh, and don’t have me started on that shower curtain! I have not seen such a thing until I came here 10 years ago! What is wrong with you people? You have to cover your body from your own family’s views? Or why is that thing there? We have had tubs in Germany for many centuries, and never was such a thing as a shower curtain invented! We just SAT in the tub! Why would you want to STAND in a tub? This is beyond me!
I am troubled when I am picking up comments that imply shower curtains are now also available in Germany. Another cultural invasion we didn’t need. Just like the idea that women should shave their legs! Unthinkable for German women around 50 (like myself), but when I talk to women 10 years or more younger, they have been brainwashed by the cosmetic industry that they actually do need to do that, if they want to be attractive. This is yet another American thing unneeded!
Where in Hannover are you? I have been living in and around that city for decades, but also lived in and around Hamburg and Bremen before I left for rural PA.
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Hello Hilde! Thank you for the enthusiastic and insightful comment!
I love your use of the word “excrements.” It’s adorable.
Wait, do you seriously go poo poo in a bucket?
We all have our cultural habits, it would seem, but I draw the line at sasquatch legs. A nice pair of smooth lady legs are fantastic. :)
We’re right in the middle of Hannover. We can see the New Town Hall and everything.
Will you ever move back to Germany from PA?
Thank you again for the comment and have a wonderful day!
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