Hilarious German Proverbs: Part III

You know these lists of German proverbs I’ve been publishing lately? Well, this here is another one: It contains wacky expressions originating from Germany and other parts of the German-speaking world as well.

And as I mentioned before: German people rock. They’re hilarious, in their own dismal, chronically pessimistic sort of way. This is particularly evident in their age-old expressions and proverbs, many of which — while insightful — are about as uplifting as a Cormac McCarthy novel.

What follows is another list of my favorite German proverbs, which I have translated literally — exactly the way they sound to my American ears — followed by the original German expression:

“Only children and drunks tell the truth.”

German: “Kinder und Betrunkene sagen immer die Wahrheit.”
English equivalent: “Honest people are hard to find.”
My interpretation: “Always trust a drunken toddler.”

“God save me from someone who has read only one book.”

German: “Gott bewahre mich vor jemand, der nur ein Büchlein gelesen hat.”
English equivalent: “Fear the man of one book.”
My interpretation: “If Twilight is your favorite book, we cannot be friends.”

“Shut your mouth, so a mosquito does not fly inside.”

German: “Halt’s Maul, so fliegt dir keine Mücke hinein.”
English equivalent: “A closed mouth catches no flies.”
My interpretation: “How ’bout a warm glass of shut the hell up?”

“Hoping and waiting makes some people into morons.”

German: “Hoffen und harren macht manchen zum Narren.”
English equivalent: “Do not pin all your hopes on something you may not attain.”
My interpretation: “Grow a pair and actually do something. Jesus.”

“More people drown in the cup than in the sea.”

German: “Im Becher ersaufen mehr als im Meer.”
English equivalent: “Wine has drowned more than the sea.”
My interpretation: “Hold your liquor, pussy.”

“Close the coffin lid. The monkey is dead.”

German: “Klappe zu, Affe tot.”
English equivalent: “It’s over. End of story.”
My interpretation: “Move along, Jane Goodall.”

“In the house of the hanged, do not talk about rope.”

German: “Im Hause des Gehängten rede nicht vom Strick.”
English equivalent: “Name not a rope in the house of one who has been hanged.”
My interpretation: “If you’re into breath play, always use a spotter.”

“The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat.”

German: “Je näher dem Bein, desto süßer das Fleisch.”
English equivalent: “The sweetest flesh is near the bones.”
My interpretation: “Go for the jugular.”

“The dumbest farmers harvest the biggest potatoes.”

German: “Die dümmsten Bauern ernten die dicksten Kartoffeln.’’
English equivalent: “Stupid people often win.”
My interpretation: “Steal shit from the handicapped.”

“Small animals make poop too.”

German: “Kleinvieh macht auch Mist.”
English equivalent: “Small things also add up to big things.”
My interpretation: “Do not underestimate the power of my tiny anus.”

Do you know any old German proverbs? Let us know in the comments section below!