My German Wife Accidentally Adopts Two Monsters While Cleaning Our Office

plastic Kinder Surprise egg toyYou see that little green guy in the picture? He came from a Kinder Surprise egg. Kinder Surprises are chocolate eggs with plastic toys inside — most of which require assembly and utilize tiny moving parts designed specifically to block your windpipe.

Kinder Surprise egg uberraschungThey’re totally banned in the United States because of this choking hazard, and also because they’re classified as food items …yet they contain non-food objects completely hidden inside. It’s a semantic issue, really, and semantics are not cool with Americans. I mean, how can you have two labels applied to the same useless piece of shit? It’s just too much for us to handle. But as for choking hazards, my Kinder Surprise egg contained the toy pictured above — carefully contained within a vacuum-sealed plastic bag, which also contained a fold-out booklet of assembly instructions, all of which were contained within a plastic shell the size of a marshmallow. So if some kid managed to jam this entire thing is his mouth and choke to death on it, he was probably about to lick a light socket anyway.

Kinder Egg toy in German plastic plantThis is my Kinder Surprise toy peeking out of a plastic plant. All day long, he’s just looking at me. Watching. Judging. It’s cute I guess, but not my idea. My German wife was cleaning our office the other day, you see, and rather than let my little toy continue to gather dust beside my computer, the way I like it, she consolidated items and invited a whole new member into our family:

“This is Carlson,” said my wife, proudly displaying her ingenuity. “He will watch over you and keep you safe while you work.”

german keychain owlThis hideous little thing is the stuffed owl from my wife’s keychain. She named it Mechtild — a girl’s name, apparently. Mechtild is broken, of course, so for the past year she’s been sitting on my wife’s desk being useless. If you pinch her between your fingers, you can hear the beans inside crunch together. It’s creepy. I hate her.

stuffed own keychain in germanyHere we have Mechtild peeking out from another plastic plant; this one facing my wife’s side of the office. When I asked why we suddenly had two creatures hiding in our fake plants, my wife replied:

“Well, I was cleaning today and I thought it was super cute when I put Carlson in your plant. Then I got jealous and I wanted one too, so I put Mechtild in my plant, so now we both have one! …but I still like yours better. Mine is kind of ugly.”

plastic plants in germanyHere are Carlson and Mechtild in action. And with that, I welcome you to the new and improved headquarters of Oh God, My Wife Is German!

36 thoughts

  1. While traveling to Europe between 1992 and 2002, I brought back enough Kindereier to accumulate fines of a hundred grand, if the penalty is $2,500 per infraction as I have been told. I guess I was one of the lucky ones never to have been searched. These little things are awesome, and the US ban is beyond absurd. We have an approved surrogate, but not unlike WWII “Ersatzkaffee” made from sawdust and pigeon droppings, they are but a shadow of the real thing. :(


  2. I cant’ believe kinder eggs are banned in the US. In fact, I can’t believe they would be banned from any country, really. Damn, i can’t even imagine growing up WITHOUT it! american kids are seriously missing out.


  3. American children do not get three things at once: Suspense, play and chocolate? Let’s spend a minute for the poor american children in silence.
    While they have difficulties providing their people with clean water (after that chemical spill) and let children, pregnant women and everybody suffer from dangers unknown, they are glad to forbid a well known child’s toy that is rendered harmless in most countries of the world… I will never get your kin …


    1. Me neither, Fran. Perhaps that’s why I get along relatively well over here in Germany, where everything makes sense. Wait a minute, no it doesn’t! No country has a clue what’s going on. I’m convinced everyone is just winging it day-by-day. :)


  4. My 2 year old boy is obsessed over Kinder Surprise! My husband and I are always very careful to steer his line of sight away from the aisle that has them – and its almost always at the Kasse!! Our home is oveflowing with yellow plastic “eggs” and those little toys – from tiny cars to Micky Mouse, to Winnie the Pooh! By the way my husband and I did not even know Kinder SUrprise “existed” until Mr 2 picked it up at the local Netto on a routine shopping trip – apparently he found out about it on Youtube on the Ipad watching reviews of Kinder Surprise Collections – yes they even have reviews! For the first few times he picked them up he didnt realise that the yellow plastic container inside was covered in chocolate – as the lady reviewing the Kinder Surprise on Youtube would just “discard” the chocolate without saying anything about it – it was all about the little surprise inside!


  5. I miss Kinder Surprise toys so much. I loved them when I was in England in college, and when I got home, I tried to find them, only to discover they’re not allowed here, because choking and such. Dammit, America! Why must you be so diligent about protecting our children!

    (I think Mechtild is adorable. But then again I really like owls.)


      1. I just saw a really cute beanie baby owl today, with huge but FRIENDLY eyes. I of course thought of your wife’s creepy but cute owl. And I had to get it for my desk, haha!


  6. My German family always loads me up on Kinder Surprise for my friends in the States. Last time, I got through Customs just fine, only to discover when opening my bag that all the eggs had been crushed to powder. Most of the toys were fine, but alas we could not enjoy eating them.

    Kinder Chocofresh will always be my favorite, though.


  7. Le cule en rows, Carlson is a very common Swedish surname, originally a patronymicon. It does seem a bit random in the context. But very cool.


  8. You know, I think too, Mechtild is quite ugly…
    Maybe you can find your wife a cuter “monster”? Try it – She’ll be delighted, I’m sure. :-)


      1. When I had the flue once my best friend couldn’t visit me since I got a really high fever and didn’t want to spread it. She sent me an envelope with the parts of a “Kinder-Surprise-Egg”. And she only sent me a note: “Fix your dream man”….
        I did and after 30 seconds held a tiny little Romain Warrior in my hands.
        I laughed my butt off – and never forgot it…. and that’s more than 20 years ago… :-)


  9. Two buddies peeping out a pot…for each an own. ☺
    Your wife is great!
    Perhaps her green guy’s name Carlson was inspired by the boy with the propeller on his back?


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