You see that little green guy in the picture? He came from a Kinder Surprise egg. Kinder Surprises are chocolate eggs with plastic toys inside — most of which require assembly and utilize tiny moving parts designed specifically to block your windpipe.
They’re totally banned in the United States because of this choking hazard, and also because they’re classified as food items …yet they contain non-food objects completely hidden inside. It’s a semantic issue, really, and semantics are not cool with Americans. I mean, how can you have two labels applied to the same useless piece of shit? It’s just too much for us to handle. But as for choking hazards, my Kinder Surprise egg contained the toy pictured above — carefully contained within a vacuum-sealed plastic bag, which also contained a fold-out booklet of assembly instructions, all of which were contained within a plastic shell the size of a marshmallow. So if some kid managed to jam this entire thing is his mouth and choke to death on it, he was probably about to lick a light socket anyway.
This is my Kinder Surprise toy peeking out of a plastic plant. All day long, he’s just looking at me. Watching. Judging. It’s cute I guess, but not my idea. My German wife was cleaning our office the other day, you see, and rather than let my little toy continue to gather dust beside my computer, the way I like it, she consolidated items and invited a whole new member into our family:
“This is Carlson,” said my wife, proudly displaying her ingenuity. “He will watch over you and keep you safe while you work.”
This hideous little thing is the stuffed owl from my wife’s keychain. She named it Mechtild — a girl’s name, apparently. Mechtild is broken, of course, so for the past year she’s been sitting on my wife’s desk being useless. If you pinch her between your fingers, you can hear the beans inside crunch together. It’s creepy. I hate her.
Here we have Mechtild peeking out from another plastic plant; this one facing my wife’s side of the office. When I asked why we suddenly had two creatures hiding in our fake plants, my wife replied:
“Well, I was cleaning today and I thought it was super cute when I put Carlson in your plant. Then I got jealous and I wanted one too, so I put Mechtild in my plant, so now we both have one! …but I still like yours better. Mine is kind of ugly.”
Here are Carlson and Mechtild in action. And with that, I welcome you to the new and improved headquarters of Oh God, My Wife Is German!
Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
While traveling to Europe between 1992 and 2002, I brought back enough Kindereier to accumulate fines of a hundred grand, if the penalty is $2,500 per infraction as I have been told. I guess I was one of the lucky ones never to have been searched. These little things are awesome, and the US ban is beyond absurd. We have an approved surrogate, but not unlike WWII “Ersatzkaffee” made from sawdust and pigeon droppings, they are but a shadow of the real thing. :(
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Haw haw haw haw haw! This might just be my favorite comment of the day. Thank you, Old Wolf. Have a fantastic day.
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I cant’ believe kinder eggs are banned in the US. In fact, I can’t believe they would be banned from any country, really. Damn, i can’t even imagine growing up WITHOUT it! american kids are seriously missing out.
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They are really cool, aren’t they? I totally agree.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Annaemme!
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It’s actually spelled Mechthild (it’s related to the name Mathilda). “hild” is a common suffix in German female given names meaning “battle”, e.g. Irmhild, Schwanhild, Hildegard.
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Not the way my wife spelled it. I even asked her to spell it exactly the way she wanted. Not that it really matters…
Thank you for the info, Kathi! Please keep reading and commenting! Have a great day!
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Oh, they really dress up the place, don’t they? That’s a nice touch. I want one, although I’m sure my kids have something I could use that’s also a chocking hazard.
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Totally. The only difference is it probably wouldn’t be hidden in chocolate. :)
How’s things, Bumble?
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American children do not get three things at once: Suspense, play and chocolate? Let’s spend a minute for the poor american children in silence.
While they have difficulties providing their people with clean water (after that chemical spill) and let children, pregnant women and everybody suffer from dangers unknown, they are glad to forbid a well known child’s toy that is rendered harmless in most countries of the world… I will never get your kin …
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Me neither, Fran. Perhaps that’s why I get along relatively well over here in Germany, where everything makes sense. Wait a minute, no it doesn’t! No country has a clue what’s going on. I’m convinced everyone is just winging it day-by-day. :)
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Of course we do not always make sense – or we would not have lost two world wars ;)
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My 2 year old boy is obsessed over Kinder Surprise! My husband and I are always very careful to steer his line of sight away from the aisle that has them – and its almost always at the Kasse!! Our home is oveflowing with yellow plastic “eggs” and those little toys – from tiny cars to Micky Mouse, to Winnie the Pooh! By the way my husband and I did not even know Kinder SUrprise “existed” until Mr 2 picked it up at the local Netto on a routine shopping trip – apparently he found out about it on Youtube on the Ipad watching reviews of Kinder Surprise Collections – yes they even have reviews! For the first few times he picked them up he didnt realise that the yellow plastic container inside was covered in chocolate – as the lady reviewing the Kinder Surprise on Youtube would just “discard” the chocolate without saying anything about it – it was all about the little surprise inside!
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Totally! Glad your kid loves them, because I do too!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Nancy. Have a great day.
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My wife is from Stuttgart, and we use to get these all the time in packages, from relatives in Germany. For the kids of course.
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Right on! I hope you don’t get caught, but right on! :)
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For some reason, the fact that your wife called that thing Carlson is super funny to me. Is that a common German name? It’s so random, I love it.
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It was funny to me too, le cul en rows. I don’t know where she comes up with these names. She doesn’t even hesitate — just fires away and they’re always perfect.
Great blog, by the way! Keep up the good work!
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I miss Kinder Surprise toys so much. I loved them when I was in England in college, and when I got home, I tried to find them, only to discover they’re not allowed here, because choking and such. Dammit, America! Why must you be so diligent about protecting our children!
(I think Mechtild is adorable. But then again I really like owls.)
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Haw haw! Right on, Lucy! Glad you like the own. Thank you for reading our blog! Have an awesome day!
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I think that little owl is cute! Except for the huge eyes with the little protruding beady pupils…just staring at you…staring and staring. Oh my.
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Creepy little thing. I can’t wait to throw it away when The Wife isn’t looking. :)
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I just saw a really cute beanie baby owl today, with huge but FRIENDLY eyes. I of course thought of your wife’s creepy but cute owl. And I had to get it for my desk, haha!
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Aha! Love it! No nanny state in Germany! Love the little critters peeking out of the potted plants. Please tell the Missus for me…
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Consider it done, West! Glad you liked the post!
How are you doing?
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OK! Going to try temping (jobs that is) haha…watch out Twin Cities ;)
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My German family always loads me up on Kinder Surprise for my friends in the States. Last time, I got through Customs just fine, only to discover when opening my bag that all the eggs had been crushed to powder. Most of the toys were fine, but alas we could not enjoy eating them.
Kinder Chocofresh will always be my favorite, though.
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Awwww, that blows. Maybe next time? Just don’t get caught again! There are hefty fines!
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You’re telling me they don’t have child-safe covers for light fittings in the US yet? Someone needs to get onto that one…
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Le cule en rows, Carlson is a very common Swedish surname, originally a patronymicon. It does seem a bit random in the context. But very cool.
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Random is my wife’s middle name. :)
Thank you for commenting, B!
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You know, I think too, Mechtild is quite ugly…
Maybe you can find your wife a cuter “monster”? Try it – She’ll be delighted, I’m sure. :-)
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I do! I keep buying her these Kinder Surprise eggs and she keeps getting puzzles and spinning tops and stuff. LAME! :)
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When I had the flue once my best friend couldn’t visit me since I got a really high fever and didn’t want to spread it. She sent me an envelope with the parts of a “Kinder-Surprise-Egg”. And she only sent me a note: “Fix your dream man”….
I did and after 30 seconds held a tiny little Romain Warrior in my hands.
I laughed my butt off – and never forgot it…. and that’s more than 20 years ago… :-)
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Haw haw haw haw! I love it!
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Two buddies peeping out a pot…for each an own. ☺
Your wife is great!
Perhaps her green guy’s name Carlson was inspired by the boy with the propeller on his back?
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Reblogged this on taesantiagosg.
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