Denglish 65: My German Wife Attempts to Describe Menstrual Cramps

A smart, sensitive husband will never ask his wife if she is on her period. Asking this questions seems to evoke a surprising amount of anger from the fairer sex. I have been surprised by the sheer ferocity of this anger in the past, but since meeting my wife, I think I finally understand it; asking a woman if she is on her period is similar to asking if she is temporarily insane — it devalues anything she might be saying at the time while suggesting she is not in control of herself. For men, the equivalent insult is experienced when we finally open up to our wives about our emotions, share our feelings and even shed a tear or two in the process — only to have our wives turn to us with one eyebrow raised and ask, “Are you drunk?” (The answer is yes.)

Though I might not ask my wife straight up if she is on her period, I am still curious about the menstrual cycle in general. Like, how does it feel? Does it suck? (I bet it sucks.) So, on a particularly slow drive home from work, I turned and asked, “You’re on your period, right? What does it feel like?” To which my wife, in her High-German accent replied…

THE WIFE: “Like cramps in my ooteris.”

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13 thoughts

  1. Probably “it sucks” is a little more helpfully descriptive for those without an “ooteris.” She’s right, though. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It might be comparable to the feeling one might have if they somehow managed to swallow an indigestible blunt object, which then proceeded to roil around forcefully but “bluntly” in one’s small intestine. I dunno. That’s all I got.

    Back when I used to work at Starbucks, we had a manager for a while who really liked his ladies, so he hired a lot of us, and then got transferred, and the other two (unusually emotional, but heterosexual) guys working there did, too, so it was all women. Then our cycles synced, and so there was like a week every month where it was just not safe for a customer to come in the store.


  2. Not only is she having a problem with the most private parts of her body and the mess that goes along with it… hurts plain and simple. Feels like someone sticking a blunt knife right into an area right in your lower intestines….BUT it can radiate up into your stomach and your back and your breasts. Oh yeah. It would be nice to treat her nice during this time. All I can say is…..a man has NO idea.


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