Interesting Facts About Germany: Germans Love to Eat Fat

Now I’m not saying all Germans like to eat fat, but my wife sure as hell does.

She eats something called Speck; cured strips of fatback, almost exactly like Italian Lardo. To me, this stuff tastes like uncooked bacon without a trace of meat. And it’s soft. Disgustingly, almost spreadably soft. If you took butter, extracted everything good, pure and innocent from it, then cursed its soul to hell with the power of a thousand burning puppies, you’d wind up with Speck.

My wife loves this kind of salty, heart attack food, and she gets away with it. In fact, she can eat whatever she wants and still stay thin and sexy. It’s almost as if the more horrifying the food, the sexier she becomes (I also suspect she feeds upon the nightmares of children).

Now, I’ve heard it said, Americans are so fat because of high-fructose corn syrup; that we are victims of a diet high in refined sugars, which explains our obesity epidemic. Further, this logic explains, Europeans are so thin because they eat more natural diets; they eat loads of bread and drink wine by the barrel, yet are still sexy enough to make smoking look awesome. I believe this logic is false.

While high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t seem to be good for the human body, it is not the rightful scapegoat of our rotund masses — portion control is. I’ve been all over Europe, and yes, they seem to eat whatever they want, but they do not sit down to pig troughs of super-sized, double-fried, batter-dipped slop 3 times daily. They eat little, birdlike meals, then hop on their Vespa scooters and drink Chianti at the beach beneath majestic sunsets.

So please, America, be more like my wife — eat the crazy stuff — just do it in small amounts. Now, please excuse me while I go blitzkrieg on this Luther Burger.

Thank you for reading and have an awesome day!

— OGM