German Prepositions: Far Too Many Ways to be Right

Posted on May 21, 2012 | 44 Comments
German prepositions are confusing

Germany, can you please do something in a simple manner? Just this once? — Image courtesy of vocalblog.blogspot.com

Dear German people of the world,
I would like to speak with you about your prepositions.

Prepositions — those words which describe the temporal, spatial or logical relationship of an object — can be tricky in any language. In the German language, however, prepositions are both predictably and unnecessarily complex. What follows is a story I hope will illustrate my point:

Back in the summer of 2011, during a trip to Germany, The Wife and I drove in a tiny car from Lower Saxony (Niedersachsen) to Berlin. I made my wife drive the entire time, and I did this for two reasons:

  1. The car had a manual transmission, and I hadn’t touched a stick shift since 1997. (That sounded naughty, didn’t it.)
  2. I am afraid of driving on the Autobahn because you Germans in your fancy BMWs like to haul ass at like 120 mph. (Or 193.12 km/h, if you want to be an Arschloch about it.)
Autobahn symbol in Germany

The German Autobahn sign… kinda looks like a giant roadblock, doesn’t it.

We had a TomTom navigation system with us, and since my wife was driving, we set its verbal instructions to German. I knew a whole lot less of the language back then, but I did realize we seemed to be taking a lot of right turns after the TomTom said “rechts,” and a lot of left turns after it said “links.” Naturally, I concluded these two words meant “right” and “left,” respectively, and went about the rest of our trip feeling proud as hell of myself for being such a quick study of the German language.

TomTom Navigation System

It’s laughing at me with a German accent.

Since returning to the States, I’ve operated under the assumption that I knew how to say “right” and “left” in my wife’s native language. However, thanks to Mango Languages, I just discovered “rechts” and “links” mean, very specifically, “on the right” and “on the left.”

Mango Languages Logo

Mango Languages… where have you been all my life?

Furthermore, I am now required to learn another kind of “right,” which is “gleich” — a more immediate “right” — as in “right next to it.” And if I want to say “right” in order to describe something that is correct? Oh, for that one I get to learn, “richtig” or “genau.” And what if I just want to affirm something, like, “Learning German sucks, right?” Well, that sort of “right” demands I memorize the words, “nicht wahr,” “korrekt” or “gell.” On top of all this, some of these words are slang, and others are only used in certain regions of the country.

German people of the world — would you like to know exactly how many words we have in English for the word “right?” …ONE. Just one. We have many uses for it and several decent alternatives, but only one we ask you to memorize.

Aww hell, we love you anyway, you Teutonic sons of bitches. Sprechen sie Deutsch, baby.

Click here to read about some other things those wacky Germans are into.

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Denglish 59: Are All German Women Freakishly Strong?

Posted on May 14, 2012 | 25 Comments
young couple happily wrestling in bed

“Tee hee hee! —Oh God you’re breaking my fingers.” — Image courtesy of doktori.mk

Like many young, amorous couples, my wife and I engage in the occasional tickle fight. You know — a bit of the ol’ “Slap and Tickle” — though, as a German-American couple, we most often refer to these encounters as “World War III.”

Our tickle fights involve a lot of wrist grabs, leg locks and general vying for physical dominance. And, as a man, I naturally expect to triumph over my wife with laughable ease; I should have complete and effortless control over these struggles — using a clearly restrained amount of force to succeed — but this is not the case. I actually have to try to win, and I have to try hard — but not too hard, you see; I would never forgive myself if I accidentally injured my little Frau.

And this is why, during a particularly intense World War III on our couch back in February of 2012, I warned my wife not to struggle too hard. She relaxed, releasing her thighs from the vice-like grip they held around my abdomen, and offered a theatrical sigh:

THE WIFE: “You are right. I should not use all my strength. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 58: My German Wife and the Freakishly Unsettling Way She Eats Bananas

Posted on May 7, 2012 | 32 Comments
Woman eating a banana... sexy

“That’s it… now don’t forget to fondle the grapes…” — Image courtesy of sodahead.com

There are a variety of methods for banana consumption. You can bite off a chunk, chew it and swallow it. You can cut the banana into slices and use a fork to place them in your mouth. Hell, you can even cram that mother down your throat and swallow it whole like Jenna Jameson in one of those stag films I keep hearing so much about. I consider all of these examples perfectly acceptable — especially that last one — but my wife does not eat bananas in any such ways as these; she likes to place the first few inches in her mouth and then shave the underside with her lower teeth as she withdraws the fruit. This shaving action produces pulp — something like a banana mousse — which piles up at the base of her mouth. She then swallows this frothy white load and resumes the process anew. (Again, a lot like Jenna Jameson.)

Now, as a straight male watching a beautiful young woman consume a banana, I cannot help but imagine trading places with said piece of fruit; it’s a guy thing, and I am not ashamed to admit it. However, my wife’s fruit scouring habit not only destroys this fantasy, but leaves me wondering just how much pain and lasting tissue damage it would inflict upon my little German helmet.

But you know what else is a guy thing? One of which we should never, ever, feel ashamed? Ripping ass in front of our wives. Hey, we’re married and everyone farts — it’s okay to fire off a round or two and make no effort whatsoever to conceal it. Why, just the other day, in fact, I broke wind and sat down next to my wife as she was consuming a banana in the disturbingly toothy manner described above. “Awww…” I groaned, “You’re doing it again,” — to which she offered an abundantly dismissive shrug:

THE WIFE: “You farted in front of me. I can scrape my banana.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 57: A German Method for Stress Management

Posted on April 30, 2012 | 24 Comments
Fat little demon devil with a fork image

Pictured: A German stress devil. "Aww, but look at his little demon weenie!" -- Image courtesy of broken-orange.deviantart.com

My wife and I have been through some stressful times. We’ve experienced the logistical nightmares of a long-distance relationship and the heart-wrenching uncertainties of being an international couple attempting to plan a life together. We met up in New York for a romantic tryst, which resulted in both of us acquiring a now legendary case of food poisoning. We arranged a year-long work visa for her in the States, during which we both worked full-time, shared one car, supported each other through family health crises on both sides and planned our own wedding simultaneously.

Needless to say, our stress levels have known some impressive heights. At times, we were so stressed out we had tearful meltdowns, trouble falling (or staying) asleep, and our skin broke out in pimples unseen since adolescence. However, with my blind, American optimism and my wife’s depressing, German pragmatism, we managed to turn our stress into something we could joke about by personifying it as a little red devil-creature — one which grows fatter the more stress we feed him. At times he has been emaciated, and at times he has been obese, but he will always have the name my wife gave him when I asked, “This stress demon of ours… what should we call him?”

THE WIFE: “Alberto Fummelotz.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 56: My German Wife’s Well-Intentioned Fitness Goals

Posted on April 23, 2012 | 15 Comments
Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon as Hans and Franz

Pseudo-Austrians to pump us up? Close enough. - Image courtesy of eatlaughlovesweat.wordpress.com

My wife and I are fairly healthy people and we like to keep ourselves in shape. However, before we were married, my wife came to live with me while teaching primary school in the United States for a year; a 12-month span in which spare time became one hell of a valuable commodity. Between the two of us working full-time, planning our marriage, sharing one car, preparing our lunches in advance each evening, my German classes and her doctorate degree research, our exercise options were pretty much limited to joining a fitness club, where we hoped the financial commitment would guilt us into lifting something heavier than our totally awesome beer steins.

So, The Wife and I went back and forth over the issue of jogging around the neighborhood for free, or paying money to sweat it out with a bunch of grunting Philistines. My wife articulated her point thusly:

THE WIFE: “I really like the idea of gym membership right now because I wanna work out with you and then we both look incredible and feel healthy as shit!”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 55: My German Wife Recommends a Swift Cleansing of the Genitals

Posted on April 16, 2012 | 18 Comments
Couple enjoying a romantic shower together

"Sweet Jesus, there's shampoo in my eyes." -- Image courtesy of thirtydollardatenight.com

My wife and I are still in that stage of our relationship where we enjoy showering together. You know the one I’m talking about; that nauseatingly sweet period of time in which you are perfectly willing to stand outside the spray of warm water, shivering to death in the cold, while your significant other takes her sweet-ass time rinsing some weirdo raspberry and Brazil nut conditioner out of her hair.*

However, we don’t always have time for these kinds of sexy, slow-motion Hollywood showers that totally happen in real life. Sometimes we barely even have time to wash ourselves at all, which plays hell with our hygiene and my wife’s English vocabulary:

THE WIFE: “Remember, we will also shower later, so for now we should just wash our testicles.”

*My wife would like our readers to know she does not use any such “weirdo” hair conditioners as the one to which I alluded above; she uses whichever brand is cheapest and “stinks like hell the least.” My wife would also like our readers to know she does not have testicles.

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 54: My German Wife Answers Nature’s Call in Washington D.C.

Posted on April 9, 2012 | 19 Comments
Airplane Lavatory

Pictured: Total fiction. No airplane lavatory has ever been this clean. – Image courtesy of love2travelwritefilm.com

During the long-distance portion of our relationship, The Wife and I flew several times between Frankfurt, Germany and Portland, Oregon in order to see one another. My wife has flown into every international airport in America, so she’s quite the travel veteran, but there’s no getting around the fact that the distance between Frankfurt and an airport like Washington Dulles is over 4000 miles — or approximately 9 hours of flight time — and that is a very long wait when you don’t like going poo poo on airplanes. So, during one such trip, as my wife was trying to make her connecting flight in D.C., she sent me the following text message:

THE WIFE: “I need to use the bathroom. I will first go through security and then I will lay my egg.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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