The Camping Chronicles: Burning the German, Part II

Striding through the forest at the base of Mt. Hood, The Wife and I heard some eerie, bell-like sounds. “Those are windchimes,” I declared, checking the safety guard on my canister of bear mace.

“Are you sure? They sound like cow bells,” replied The Wife, as if she knows my country better than I do.

“Totally wind chimes. Some hippies probably hung them up in a tree.”

I had to go pee pee, so I stepped into a clearing and whipped out my beefus. Sure enough, two giant cows emerged from behind a shrub — bells ringing — just pleased as hell to contradict me. That’s when I looked down to find my right Tiva buried in a fresh cow pie.

With my pride crushed beneath a pair of disgusting, stupid, grass stained, idiot, cloven hooves, I decided the cows would  make excellent subjects for a field test of my bear mace.* I popped off the guard and depressed the trigger — BOOM! That mother had some recoil! A huge jet of rust-colored pepper spray fired out, and it was thick, like 4 inches in diameter. No way could you miss a bear with this stuff. You could, however, give your wife a healthy dose of back spray by carelessly firing it into the wind.

I looked back to see The Wife’s eyes tearing up and turning every bit as red as the rest of her. Oh God, how mace burns! I’ve maced myself on accident a few times, but never with bear mace. Obviously it was time to apologize, wipe the cow shit off my sandals and head back to camp.

*No I did not mace the cows. They were too far away.

Click here to read the third installment of Burning the German.

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Advertisements

What do you think? We welcome your feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s