As you probably know, I am an American expatriate living with my German wife in Hannover, Germany. I am enrolled in an A1-level intensive German language and integration course, and you know what we just started learning the other day? How to read clocks and communicate time. How do Germans tell time, you ask? I have no idea. Apparently, they use unbreakable cryptography while dropping fistfulls of acid.
Here’s the deal — in America, we typically use the 12-hour clock to relate time. (Americans who use the 24-hour clock are either, A: In the United States Military, or B: Trying to act tough because they have little wieners.) When speaking to one another, Americans discuss time in terms of 12-hour cycles, specifying a.m. and p.m. for Ante Meridian and Post Meridian. This is why we say things like, “That filthy bum was drunk at 8:00am!” and “…but so was I, so I sat down next to him and we partied until the cops made us leave at like 6:00am the next day. Those dicks.”
Predictably, Germans use a more complicated and entirely counterintuitive system for relating time to one another. They use either the 12-hour clock or the 24-hour clock in conversation (it’s not always the 12-hour clock, no matter what your German teacher tells you), so you never know which one you’ll get. Also, they use a totally backwards, Caligula-insane way for expressing half hours. They say “halb,” meaning “half,” but it does not mean 30 minutes past the hour; it means literally half of the hour before. So, taken all together, when someone says the time is “halb drei,” they do not mean the time is 3:30pm — they mean it’s 2:30pm (or 14:30, if they want to make damn sure you walk away confused).
The German language uses words like “vor,” “nach” “kurz” and “viertel,” much like the English words for “before,” “after,” “shortly” and “quarter,” respectively. So, with the 24-hour clock and pre-half hour in mind, let’s take a few examples and translate them directly from German into English:
“zehn vor halb drei” = “ten before half three” (2:20pm)
“zehn nach halb fünf” = “ten after half five” (4:40pm)
“zehn nach halb vier” = “ten after half four” (3:40pm) …which is also…
“zwanzig vor vier” = “twenty before four” (3:40pm)
“kurz vor halb sechzehn” = “just before half sixteen” (between 3:26pm and 3:29pm, but not more than 5 minutes before the half hour)*
So, in my tiny little walnut brain, I have to translate these German words and numbers into English, convert everything from the 24-hour clock into the 12-hour clock, then decipher the monkeyshit-tossing logic behind the German half hour.
Now, I agree the 24-hour clock makes more sense than the 12-hour clock in terms of logistics and scheduling. What does not make sense, however — in English or German — is speaking about time in relative terms, what with all the “half before” and “quarter after” tomfuckery going on. So, when it comes to speaking informally about time — between two thinking, breathing human beings — I have developed a beautifully simple solution which will solve the problem worldwide: just say the exact time, to the minute, every time.
Just say the numbers, man! No tricks. Everyone gets along fine. There won’t be any fights before snack-time because everyone knows it starts at exactly 10:35. DING DING! Milk and cookies for everyone.
*To be fair, a German probably wouldn’t say this to someone on the street unless they were being a total dick.
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Oh God, My Wife Is German. 
This is simply hilarious… (at least that’s simple about it!) LOL
The way you write it is making me laugh, even though by thinking about it I definitely have to agree… it’s science. *grin*
I love this post!!!
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Thank you Raani! Glad you liked it!
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I just found your blog, I’ve been married to my (German) wife for 5 years now. We had the long distance relationship thing going on for a year before we got married. We lived back home in Maryland for a year before coming to this little village called Elsenfeld (near Frankfurt). But I really enjoy reading your blog.
Everything your wife says in the Denglish parts are dead on with the type of things my wife said when we first got married (her English was pretty good, but she still talked like you say your wife does). Even now she still gets things wrong. We have a 4 year old Daughter and she always corrects my wife when she says something wrong in English.
Also, reading through your blog I think “this is exactly how I have felt and what I have been thinking for the last 3 1/2 years”. The disappointment of no one caring i’m American, the shitty hair cuts, the assholes in line at lidl (well every where for that matter), and pretty much everything else you’ve written….I’ve thought the same. Did you notice Mcdonald’s here tastes like it was cooked last month and microwaved?
I remember when I went to Deutsch Schule, the teacher spoke no English, I spoke no German. It was me, another American, 5 Thailand girls (I’m 98% sure they wanted our balls) and 20 turks. Me and the other American ended up being really good friends (he was in the Army, he lives about 3 hours away now). The teacher would let all the turks speak turkish the whole day, but me and my friend would help each other out in english and she ended up moving us across the room from each other. So we would just yell across the room.
Anyway, The town I live on is in Bayern, but its only 10 minutes away from Hessen. I work at a tire changing company and I meet people from all over, I’ve never worked somewhere with so many dialects. Some days I only understand half of the customers, some days none of them. Some understand me (my German is shit) some don’t. What I really hate is trying to speak with someone for 20 minutes and knowing they don’t understand you….but they let you keep talking until the last 2 minutes, when all the sudden they can speak English. Sometimes I think they just like watching me suffer.
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What an awesome comment! Thank you, William!
Baw haw haw haw! The Thai girls, “wanted your balls.” That is solid gold right there. :)
I haven’t eaten at a McDonald’s here yet, but I kind of suspected what you said.
Man, and I thought MY German class was sometimes chaotic! Where did you take your class? At a VHS or something?
I totally hear you; I’ve found a lot of folks here understand English just fine, but they really don’t want to use it. I think they’re embarrassed or something.
I’m so glad you understand my experiences as an expat American in Germany. It really means a lot to me that you felt similarly. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Have an awesome day man!
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I took my German class at “the city gallery”, its a mall in a town called Aschaffenburg…about 30 minutes from where I live.
Its funny you wrote me back today on this blog (about the time). Today at work I was doing a wheel alignment on a customers car and I’m pretty sure I heard him say (on the phone with someone) “Ich Komme so um funf vor viertal nach halb vier”, I asked the guy that works with me if that’s what he just said, he told me he thinks so…..the whole day I’m thinking “why the hell didn’t he just say 3:40….and who the hell says :40, no one ever comes at :40, its an unspoken rule you have to be there at :45 or the earth will stop spinning or some shit.
Almost all people here understand English and can speak some (except for other auslanders) but like you said, they are embarrassed to speak it. Hell I don’t care how bad their English is….it has to be better or at least as good as my German.
But honestly you have to speak German fluently here to get a good job, I only have the one I have now because I’m an Auto mechanic in America and I brought my diploma and certificate of completion from the AutoTech school I went to. But my first (legal) job here was for a labor company…..some how the Germans made me a Mexican…I felt so dirty inside.
By the way, what/how do you watch TV here? I watch on the internet, but i got tired of searching for shows or waiting for Justified and Sons of Anarchy to come back on, so I talked to my Grandmother, now I pay some of here cable bill and I can watch almost all channels on Comcast (just need to change my IP for the first minute, then I can turn off the IP thing). Just wanted to give you an Idea.
Keep it up, I really enjoy reading your blog. Tell your wife thanks for the entertainment, you guys reminded me of what it was like when me and mine first got married….its cool thinking back on it now, thanks for that.
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Haw haw! It’s :45 or the earth will stop spinning. :) I love it.
Oh man, that line about being Mexican. Just killed me.
I’ve heard about the IP address things. Like Hide My Ass and such. I haven’t tried them, but I am sorely tempted to since I was forced to use the German iTunes store. :(
Thank you for the kind words of support, G0dsfather. I really appreciate it and I’ll pass them along to my wife.
Have a fantastic day and please write us again soon!
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Did you start learning about Der, Die or Das yet? or as I call it “The 417 pain in the ass, confusing, headache giving, pile of shit ways to say “The”.
If your like me you will just give up and say “F it, everything is Die now”.
Or Du and Sie, I hate that. Everyday at work when I’m talking to customers, the whole time in my head i’m saying “say sie, say sie, don’t be the “American asshole” everyone thinks you are…be polite you dickhead”.
so I say “sie konnen this machen”, or “wollen sie das” and then, EVERY TIME right before they leave they say “Shone tag nach”…..and me “DU AUCH”…..shit shit shit, every time you F’ing asshole, just get it right.
But normal they know I’m not from around here when I say that…..apparently its not “Sie auch” either….its one of the other 314 ways of saying “you”.
By the way, I have a whole list of Denglish quotes between me and my wife but I have to go back to hell…I mean work now (lunch break). I’ll write them to you later.
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Baw haw haw! That’s so great.
When I first arrived in Germany, my wife and I were on the ubahn and I saw a little old lady standing up, so I offered her my seat by saying, “Magst du hier sitzen?” So, basically, I was like, “Hey… Hey YOU. Wanna sit here?”
And By the way, your inner monologue is a LOT like mine.
:)
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This Polish girl came to my work today, she had a bad case of “buther face” and she had 5 coats of make-up…….. you ever see a girl with so much make-up you get this strange urge to write “wash me” in her face with your finger?
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Help me out here; “my” Americans all complain that everybody starts speaking English with them, and they never get to practice their German… what’s the etiquette, now? I really don’t know what to do here.
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I can’t speak for everyone, but when an American — or anyone who is obviously struggling to speak German — approaches you, try and play along. I’ve encountered a great many people here who do not want to screw around and help me learn German because they’re at work and they’re busy. Totally understandable. If someone really can’t speak German, they will probably switch into English anyway.
Thank you for trying to help us though, Kantorka! I, for one, would really appreciate the effort.
Have a great day!
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