Alexander Gerst: My Nonsexual (but Still Gay as Hell) Man-Crush from Germany

I am an American man and I am married to a beautiful, smart, hilarious and all-around awesome German woman. She’s the sexiest creature I’ve ever seen. But, if I were single? And if I were gay? I would be gay as HELL for Alexander Gerst.

Do you know who this dude is? He’s a German astronaut with the European Space Agency (ESA), and in 2014, he spent six months aboard the International Space Station for ESA’s Blue Dot mission. In fact, he’s even returning to the ISS in May of 2018, where he’ll take that bitch over as Commander for Expedition 57.

Alexander Gerst was born in Künzelsau, Baden-Württemberg, Germany, on may 3rd, 1976 (making him a mere 40 years old at the time I am writing this, even though he looks like a baby-faced 23-year-old). He’s a geophysicist and a volcanologist. He studied at the Karlsruhe Institute of Technology, where he received his degree in Geophysics. (Nerd alert!) He also studied Earth Science at Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand, where he was awarded his Master of Science. He has been working as a researcher since 2005, and earned his freakin’ doctorate in Natural Sciences at the Institute of Geophysics of the University of Hamburg. (So that would make him Doctor Gerst, thank you very much.) Anyway, the University of Hamburg is where he completed his dissertation on Geophysics and Volcanic Eruption Dynamics. Oh, and his spare time, this genius-infused hunk of man-chicken enjoys mountaineering, diving, climbing and — of course — skydiving.

Gerst is one cool cat, and humble too. Everybody loves him! And just to be clear, this guy has the market cornered on brains, brawn and balls. His combination of strengths and total absence of weaknesses just isn’t fair to lesser mortals; hell, it’s just mean. If ever a perfect spirit were given physical form and birthed alongside the rest of us poo-flinging gutter-monkeys, it would be Alexander Gerst. He is, quite literally, the best of us; the ultimate human being. The Übermensch. (And I bet his junk looks like a big pink python sitting on a pair of ostrich eggs.)

His Instagram account (alexander_gerst1), Facebook account (https://www.facebook.com/ESAAlexGerst/) and Twitter account (@Astro_Alex) are simply amazing; they showcase some of the most incredible photographs ever taken from the ISS. (Even my wife follows him, and she doesn’t give a Martian’s green butthole about space exploration.) So, if you’re a total space nerd in need of some new masturbation material, check this dude out; you won’t be disappointed. (Instead, you’ll be just like me: jealous and angry because the angels above didn’t see fit to bless you with similar powers of intellect and testicular fortitude.)

But Gerst does have one flaw, thank the lord, and that flaw is his freakishly large ears. I mean, the man looks like a big, pink, shaven-headed chimpanzee. I bet he doesn’t even need a rocket ship; a couple flaps of those gigantic Dumbo ears would send him straight into deep space.

What else can I say? The man rules.

That’s 5 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds for you, Alex! Well done, you big-eared fuck:

Thank you for reading, everyone, and have a great day!

— OGM