Panicking to Meet Your Deadline: How One Blogger Manages to Half-Ass It Yet Again

Oh shit! Oh shit! I’m still on vacation — far, far away from our home in Hannover, Germany — and I have absolutely no time to provide you with a proper blog post. None. Not even a picture of an angry armadillo or something. I’m hosed.

So, here are some random pictures from our trip so far! We started in Portland, and are now on the Big Island of Hawaii. Click one of the thumbnails below to start the slideshow and read the captions below. (Instead of the legitimate blog post I should have written):

Here is my German wife holding a deformed tomato. Is that a nose? A dick? You be the judge!

Here’s the hotel at the Hannover Airport. TOTALLY staying here again, because that early KLM flight to the States is real bitch.

This is the inside of the hotel. Not sure what’s with the hang gliding motif, but whatever you wanna do man.

Dude’s totally gonna crash…

There’s our plane out of Schiphol. I don’t know why our awesome KLM flights are operated by Delta, but it kinda pisses me off.

Here’s the view from downtown Vancouver, WA. No idea why I took this picture.

The next 3 days were spent at a private gun range taking a shooting / gun safety class. If you’ve never shot a gun before, you are missing out; it’s like having the power of God right in your sweaty little hand.

That red light means, “Don’t step into the range or you will be shot in the back.”

That’s my German wife’s target. Awesome grouping. She’s a natural.

We decided to squeeze off a few rounds at one of my business cards. And yes, my wife’s shot is the closer one, in the bottom yellow corner.

What do you want to do most after (or while) handling dangerous firearms? Drink beer! And thus began our epic East Side pubcrawl…

Look! “real” German beer! (And we were at a pub called, simply, “Beer.” I’m serious.)

Neon unicorn ripping up the dancefloor? Why the fuck not.

Help me Jesus, for I am very drunk and I must complete this blog post by Monday morning…

Here’s another German pub we visited. I’m sure you can figure out which one.

Isn’t that Smokey the Bear? Hero of forest fire prevention since like 1944? Well, I guess he’s slinging pints at a pub called “Paydirt” now. Jesus. Talk about your lateral career moves…

No idea what this thing is, but it was hanging above the urinal I was using at the time.

There’s the Paydirt sign. Probably should have ordered these photographs a little more carefully…

Here’s a tiki bar we hit up called “Hale Pele.”

I remember precious little at this point, but that little tiki man would not stop staring at me.

Here we are at the Pittock Mansion above Forest Park. Pretty crazy to see Mt. Hood after so long.

We saw this Tesla charging at the Woodburn Outlet Mall. So awesome. I wish I could recharge my batteries with just a simple plug up my ass.

This is the view from some fancy restaurant up in Seattle. I can’t remember the name, but I know I wrote it down when I posted this bitch to Instagram.

Back in PDX! We returned to Portland on a flight with Alaskan Airlines. I’ll never understand the relationship between Alaska and Hawaii. I’ve been to both places, and they’re pretty much exact opposites.

We’re staying at the Hilton Waikoloa Village. Super fancy. Super nice. Not at all affordable.

Deep sea fishing yo! We went out at the crack of dawn and got back in the evening. You know what we caught? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Here we are, returning to the dock empty handed. Way to go, “Captain.”

… but we were joined by a pair of lovely dolphins! Everybody loves dolphins, right? Did you know dolphin males will team up to trap a female and then gang rape the shit out of her? http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/animals-can-be-giant-jerks/

Here’s some dude cutting up a big fish. This was not our fish and we were given none of it.

Here are some lazy-ass stray cats. They were all over the hotel, just basking in the glory of paradise all day long; lickin’ asses and chasin’ tails — what a life.

Thank you for reading and also for your understanding as I struggle to find the time to blog right now.

Have a wonderful day!

— OGM