Hilarious German Proverbs: Part V

Here’s another list of German proverbs! Most of them come from Germany, but some are from other countries with a German-speaking populace, like Austria, Liechtenstein, Switzerland, Belgium, Luxembourg, France, Denmark, Hungary, Poland and Italy. (Seriously, there’s a province in Italy called South Tyrol, and they totally speak German there. Isn’t that weird?)

Anyway, I think German people are awesome. They’re so serious. So morbidly deadpan. And this cultural trait is perfectly exemplified by their expressions, many of which — while revealing — are about as much fun as “fresh fish” day at the state penitentiary.

What follows is yet another list of my favorite German proverbs, which I have translated literally — exactly the way they sound to my American ears — followed by the original German saying:

“If the rider sucks, it’s the horse’s fault.”

German: “Wenn der Reiter nichts taugt, ist das Pferd schuld.”
English equivalent: “A poor craftsman blames his tools.”
My interpretation: “I don’t know what happened. My computer just, like, broke.”

“Joy or sorrow — in 50 years, it’s all the same.”

German: “Leid oder Freud’, in fünfzig Jahren ist’s alles eins.”
English equivalent: “It will all be the same a hundred years hence.”
My interpretation: “Nothing really matters. Life is suffering. Please pass me the shotgun.”

“Love and coughing cannot be hidden.”

German: “Lieben und Husten lassen sich nicht verbergen.”
English equivalent: “Love is hard to hide.”
My interpretation: “When mom and dad come home from ‘date night,’ find your earplugs quick.”

“Better an end with pain, than pain without end.”

German: “Lieber ein Ende mit Schmerzen als Schmerzen ohne Ende.”
English equivalent: “Get it over with quick, like a Band-Aid.”
My interpretation: “Dude, quit messing around with the razor and wax those awful butt cheeks.”

“Lies have short legs.”

German: “Lügen haben kurze Beine.”
English equivalent: “Lies don’t travel far.”
My interpretation: “The truth, on the other hand, has long, sexy legs.”

“You will soon find a stick, if you want to beat a dog.”

German: “Man findet bald einen Stecken, wenn man einen Hund schlagen will.”
English equivalent: “If you want to be mean, you will always find a reason.”
My interpretation: “Man, I just had the worst day ever. Where’s my beatin’ stick?”

“You can’t see the brain on the forehead.”

German: “Man sieht das Hirn nicht an der Stirn.”
English equivalent: “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.”
My interpretation: “I shot Marvin in the face.”

“You shouldn’t sell a bear’s fur before you’ve killed him.”

German: “Man sollte das Fell des Bären nicht verkaufen, bevor man ihn erlegt hat.”
English equivalent: “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
My interpretation: “See this big stupid bear right here? For like $20 bucks I’ll sell you his–oh god my arm!”

“Many kiss the hand they would like to chop off.”

German: “Mancher küßt die Hand, die er abhauen möchte.”
English equivalent: “People are often polite to those they intend to harm.”
My interpretation: “No no, you were right; I was acting like my mother. Now eat this food I just decided to make for you…”

“Caught together, hanged together.”

German: “Mitgefangen, mitgehangen.”
English equivalent: “Accomplices to a crime will hang as well as the criminals.”
My interpretation: “Idiot! I told you not to bring that shit across the border!”

Do you know any funny German proverbs or expressions? Let us hear ’em in the comments section below!