Hilarious German Proverbs: Part I

I love German people. They’re such a serious lot — so goal-oriented and industrious — they’re never really satisfied. They never stop planning, improving or pushing forward with everything they do. They’re like little termites: Even if you stomp the everloving shit out of their mound every single day, they’ll just keep right on building that mother. (Of course they’ll whine and complain the entire time: For such an accomplished country, they sure spend a lot of time bitching about it. Holy Christ.)

There’s just something inherently deadpan about the German mindset. Not a whole lot of feeling or emotion involved. And instead, where Americans like me might place hope or optimism, Germans tend to make more room for things like chagrin and outright despair. That’s why you’ll find such a wealth of darkness and cynicism throughout their language — especially in their age-old kernels of wisdom — many of which aren’t really insightful at all, but just straight-up depressing.

What follows is a list of my favorite German proverbs, which I have translated literally — exactly the way they sound to my American ears — followed by the original German expression:

“The best swimmers drown.”

German: “Die besten Schwimmer ertrinken.”
English equivalent: “Take heed if you find what you do not seek.”
My interpretation: “Work smarter, not harder, you moron.”

“Doctor, help yourself!”

German: “Arzt, hilf dir selber!”
English equivalent: “Physician, heal thyself!” (Or, “Do not condemn someone for that which you yourself are guilty.”
My interpretation: “Don’t be an asshole.”

“The fish stinks from the head.”

German: “Der Fisch stinkt vom Kopf her.”
English equivalent: “Corruption begins at the top.”
My interpretation: “It wasn’t me! …It was my boss.”

“Stupid hearts do not woo beautiful women.”

German: “Blödes Herz buhlt keine schöne Frau.”
English equivalent: “Faint heart never won fair lady.”
My interpretation: “Don’t be a pussy.”

“The horse often dies while the grass is growing.”

German: “Das Pferd stirbt oft, ehe das Gras wächst.”
English equivalent: “While the grass grows, the steed starves.”
My Interpretation: “Your lack of foresight may cost us some lives.”

“It’s hard to press oil out of a stone.”

German: “Aus einem Stein ist schwer Öl pressen.”
English equivalent: “You can’t milk a bull.”
My interpretation: “I’m fairly certain you’re retarded.”

“Wash your laundry in your own home.”

German: “Deine Wäsche wasche zu Hause.”
English equivalent: “Don’t air your dirty laundry in public.”
My interpretation: “Fuck off, shit talker.”

“A woman is a man’s greatest fortune… or his greatest disaster.”

German: “Das Weib ist des Mannes größtes Glück oder Unglück.”
English equivalent: “A man’s best fortune — or his worst — is a wife.”
My interpretation: “Choose wisely, Indiana Jones.”

“The drug is often worse than the disease.”

German: “Die Arznei ist oft ärger als das Übel.”
English equivalent: “The remedy is often worse than that which ails you.”
My Interpretation: “Jesus, drama queen — overreact why don’t you…”

“The drowning man reaches for the drinking straw.”

German: “Der Ertrinkende greift nach einem Strohhalm.”
English equivalent: “A drowning man clutches at straws.”
My interpretation: “Oh sure, now you want to be friends. I think I’d rather watch you drown.” *Places boot on forehead and shoves head underwater.*

Do you know of an old German proverb which might compliment this list? Let ‘er rip in the comments section below!