Sleeping Tips: How Threats of Domestic Violence Can Help You Get a Good Night’s Rest

I work from home as a freelance graphic designer, so I can get my sleep whenever the hell I feel like it. My wife, however, is not so lucky: She works her sweet German ass off every single day of the week, and her sleep schedule sucks donkey balls.

She gets up at 5am, goes to the Gymnasium school where she teaches, gets home at 6pm, and then faces a pile of tests and lesson plans before she can do it all over again the next day. Inexplicably, she pulls this off with an average of 5 hours of sleep per night. However, I know this schedule is hard on her — because she’s basically a sobbing zombie come Friday — so I do my best to get her to bed at a reasonable hour. I always shoot for 9pm so she can score a solid 8 hours, but she resists me; resists me like a spoiled child with a diaper full of stink pudding.

Pretty much every single night, I have to drag her Teutonic tits off the couch and basically push her upstairs into bed. I don’t know why she fights my clearly superior (if overzealous and blindly confident) American common sense, but she does. She always wants “just a few more minutes” on the couch, yet I know if she falls asleep there, she’ll lose even more rest when it’s time to go to bed for real. This effectively makes me the Sleep Police of our household, and it is a thankless job.

So the other night, when I announced the time was 9:00 pm and we had to go to bed, my wife pulled the blanket over her head and rolled over on the couch, mumbling something about an 5 extra minutes. To this, I replied — word-for-word — “God dammit, woman! Stop fighting me! I do this for your own good!” So when she only smiled and snuggled a little deeper into the cushions, I calmly stated, “Mein Schatz, if you continue to resist our 9 o’clock bedtime, I will slap you right in the pussy.”

At this, she sat bolt upright, pointed her little German finger at me and said:

“I will kickboxing your ball sacks!”