My German Wife Explains the Biology of Bad Breath

As you may already know, my German wife and I have lots of inside jokes, idioms and nicknames for the unpleasant things occurring in everyday life. Here are just a few examples we use regularly:

• The hot, silent gas expelled from one’s anus immediately following a meal of spicy soup, pizza or chili, which smells of poison, horror and all things sullied: “Death Farts“
• Negligent or annoying people — especially teenagers — who are unnecessarily loud and/or obnoxious in public places: “Fuckees“
• The red and inflamed state of my eyelids after I’ve worn a sleeping mask all night long, resulting in the aggravation of my eczema skin condition: “Pig Eyes“
• Frozen food items, generally mini-pizzas and fried hors d’oeuvres, consumed specifically while drinking red wine and watching A Game of Thrones: “Stoner Food“
• A genetically inherited double-chin, which only elongates with age and cannot be destroyed with anything short of heroic plastic surgery: “Yoddler“
• Semi-excited genitalia of the male gender, especially as it is being spun like a pinwheel immediately following a shower: “Half-Schmack“

So back in late September of 2012, as my wife was leaving our apartment in order to buy a few groceries from Netto, she raised one finger and invented an entirely new name for bad breath, complete with pseudo-scientific explanation:

THE WIFE: “Unfortunately, I have the Stink Mouth because the bacterials are sitting on the tongue.”