“Oh God, My Wife Is German” Actually Moves to Germany

“Oh God, My Wife Is German,” a snark-ridden marriage blog founded in Portland, Oregon, is moving its base of operations to Hannover, Germany.

PORTLAND, OR (September 2, 2012) — “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” an ostentatious and wildly sarcastic blog highlighting the misadventures and near total communication breakdowns occurring between an American husband and his German wife, is packing up its imaginary office in Portland, Oregon, and moving to Hannover, Germany. The blog’s author is a native of Portland, where he works as a full-time graphic designer and copywriter. “This is a huge change for me and I’m really nervous,” stated the author. “In fact, I’m about 99% sure I’m going to throw up right now.”

“Oh God, My Wife Is German” revolves primarily around the author’s spouse, referred to only as The Wife. According to the blog, The Wife is a fun, smart and (unintentionally) hilarious German woman. She also happens to be gorgeous. “Seriously, she looks like Shannon Elizabeth from that movie American Pie, minus the fake hooters,” said the author. The Wife holds two Master’s degrees and is currently attaining her Ph.D. while working as a Gymnasium teacher in Hannover, Niedersachsen, Germany. She is cited frequently in posts categorized as “Denglish,” which feature direct quotes providing insight into her experiences with the English language and her unique sense of humor at large. In one such post, as the couple was shopping for baby gifts, they observed a small outfit apparently intended for a newborn. With her characteristically matter-of-fact tone of voice, The Wife observed, “Look how small it is. Definitely for a fresh baby.”

The couple has been apart since mid-June, when The Wife returned to Germany after a year-long stay in the United States on a work visa teaching primary school students. She has spent the past few months setting up their new apartment in Hannover. “She found us an awesome apartment there,” said the author. “She furnished it all, from floor to ceiling — literally — because apparently Germans take everything when they move out. Like, when she said we needed to ‘buy a kitchen,’ I thought she meant a dishwasher and a couple of plates or something. Oh no; she meant our kitchen would begin with four walls, an electrical outlet and a couple of water pipes. I have since learned that when a German moves out of an apartment, that motherfucker takes everything. Even the light fixtures.”

While The Wife readies their new home in Hannover, the author has been frantically dismantling their previous life in Portland. As a homeowner, he prepared their house for a future renter while selling extraneous furniture, clothing and appliances on Craigslist. “Why would you haggle over a $15 weight scale?” asked the author. “It’s basically free; you’re just moving it out of my house for me. Do you really need to know its exact measurements, usage history and feng shui potential? God I hate people from Craigslist.”

The author will board his flight to Germany on Sunday, September 2nd, and arrive in the arms of his loving (and inexplicably patient) spouse the following day. Once settled, he intends to resume regular blog posts to “Oh God, My Wife Is German,” in which he will write about life as an American expatriate in Germany and mercilessly needle all things Teutonic… especially The Wife.

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