Tag Archives: Pregnancy

My German Wife Offers the Perfect Alternative to Traditional Childbirth

pregnancy-humor-childbirth-natural-birth-home-germany

Kuato says, “Open your mind.” — Photo Credit: eyeliam (Jason Lander – https://www.flickr.com/photos/eyeliam/) — Subject to Copyright, Attribution 2.0 Generic

Back in March of 2013, my German wife and I were watching the entire collection of Firefly — you know, the greatest sci-fi TV series of all time? — and yet still, I had to make her watch it, because although she is a huge nerd, she just isn’t a futuristic, spaceship kind of nerd.)

There’s this one episode of Firefly called Heart of Gold, in which a brothel comes under attack by an evil tyrant hellbent on claiming his biological infant son from one of the young prostitutes he’d impregnated. The heroes of the show come to the brothel’s aid and a massive gunfight ensues. It’s a spectacle of bullets, laser beams and garter belts — pretty much the sexiest shootout ever — but during the mayhem, the pregnant girl goes into labor.

She starts screaming, hollering and pouring fluids from her nether regions. (It was a rather effective deterrent for anyone inclined to bring a new soul into the world.) My wife was watching this woman thrashing around and hollering in pain when she turned to me and said:

“It’s so weird that humans reproduce this way. I would rather lay an egg.”

*Would you like to read another post about my German wife’s attitude toward having babies? Check out this other gem: My German Wife Shops for American Baby Gifts

 


 

Denglish 88: My German Wife Describes A Case of Severe Pregnancy

very pregnant woman

Inducé L’abor, by Gucci. — Photo by Jordan Fischer (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jordanfischer/)

As I’ve said before, all of our friends are having babies. The Wife and I are in our early 30s — the real baby-making years — so you can imagine how the infants are dropping all around us like soft pink raindrops. And it isn’t just our friends; it’s friends of friends. Third cousins, casual acquaintances and co-workers… they’re all multiplying like gremlins.

My German wife is still on the fence about the whole ‘having kids’ idea (as am I), so she really notices when someone in her daily life is about to make sperm blossoms. She has all sorts of colorful ways for describing the different stages of human gestation, and I was not at all surprised when she said of her new co-worker:

THE WIFE: “When I first met her, she was highly pregnant.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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