Tag Archives: New York

New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part IV

New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Voliting in New York City

It took the remaining 5 days of our time in New York City to recover from our illness, but we managed to have a wonderful time and will remember it for the rest of our lives. I’m almost grateful for those long nights of trial and pain, because they were an incredible milestone in our relationship. They brought my wife and I closer together than ever before, and showed us just how thoroughly we can rely upon one another.

To this day, we have no idea what made us so sick; maybe it was food poisoning from that prosciutto pizza in Little Italy, or maybe we caught a stomach flu from that same hostel guest who boiled his potatoes inside the teapot. We welcome your diagnoses, dear readers, and we thank you for reading our story.

Here are a few of the pictures my wife took during our trip. I think they’re awesome, and I hope you do too.

Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part IV
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part III
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part II
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part I

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New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part III

New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Voliting in New York City

Central Park in winter, 2010

Nausea and freezing temperatures in Central Park

After sleeping most of the day, we finally ventured back into Manhattan, where we visited Central Park, took dozens of pictures and ate dinner at an Irish Pub on the Upper West Side — and by “ate dinner,” I mean my wife had exactly 3 bites of broccoli cheese soup and one sip of beer. (The only thing she could stomach was a near-lethal dose of Imodium). This may seem like a lot of activity given my wife’s weakened state, but trust me when I say this woman is tough. Tough as balls. Big, swinging, cast-iron, German balls. She had a great time that day, and except for the sunken cheeks and dark bags under her eyes, you’d never guess she spent the previous night filling our toilet bowl full of wet cheese and trichinosis.

Our bed, after that incredible first night. Oh God.

My wife feels queasy just looking at this picture.

We returned to our hostel room and tried to watch Shrek Forever After on my laptop, but fell promptly to sleep because Shrek sucks. When we woke from our nap, it had been roughly 24 hours since our meal in Little Italy, and that was when I felt the first tugs of sickness in my stomach. I was soon nauseous, bloated and weak, yet foolishly optimistic about my chances of escaping the nightmare to which my wife had so spectacularly succumbed. Still, we took the L Train back into Manhattan and met one of my old art school buddies at a little dive bar in the Lower East Side.

The bar was small, dark and the jukebox played nothing but death metal. To be fair, everything sounded like death metal to me; I was deathly pale, my abdomen was full of gas and I had a headache. My physical state was declining so rapidly I was unable to finish my beer (this has never happened to me before in my entire life). At one point, my wife took a picture of my friend and I hunched over the bar, and a desperate mantra began cycling through my mind while I waited for the flash — “Ohgodhurryup, ohgodhurryup, ohgodhurryup…” The moment that flash went off, I jumped off of my barstool, sprinted to the men’s room and projectile vomited so violently I hurt my back. Now, I’ve seen the photograph my wife took just before I hurled, and if I hadn’t been there in person, I would have sworn that picture was taken of my good good college friend sitting beside Milkface the Dying Oregonian.

The Wife and I excused ourselves for the evening and headed back to Brooklyn, and it was there, in the shared bathroom of our hostel, where I found religion. I am not a religious man — never have been — but that night I prayed to God. I prayed real good. Every 30 minutes, in fact, while peering deep into that porcelain void, I begged God to make it stop. But God did not answer my prayers. Instead, he decided I should start throwing up while loading my shorts at the same time. And just like my wife, I was purging my ungrateful soul out of both ends. I soiled 4 pairs of boxer shorts that night, which I angrily stuffed into the bathroom garbage can. (My wife actually went so far as to wash her panties and keep them, and she even tried to wash mine the next day, but they’d already been taken elsewhere by the cleaners.) I took 3 showers that night, brushed my teeth 4 times and changed into every last set of clothing I’d packed. Sometimes, a second or two after emerging clean and hopeful from a shower, I would vomit and spray diarrhea down my legs, sigh, and return to the shower once more. I don’t know what crime I committed in my past life to deserve this torment, but it must have been spectacular.

Toward the early hours of the morning, after I’d long since graduated to dry heaves so vicious they burst the blood vessels in my eyes, I somehow, mercifully, fell asleep. I rested for 45 minutes before jerking wide awake, instantly aware of the fact that I’d just shat the bed. I waddled to the bathroom and cleaned myself up while my wife removed the soiled sheets, cleaned the bedspread and covered it with clean towels. I returned to our room a broken man: pale, weak, shivering and ashamed. I was about as appealing as a bag full of smashed assholes. But my wife gathered me up in her arms and laid me down. She spooned me and held a warm water bottle to my stomach. She was amazing, and she proved to me for the millionth time why she is the love of my life.

Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part IV
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part III
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part II
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part I

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New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part II

New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Voliting in New York City

Italian American Museum Manhattan New York

“TAXI! TA–fine… didn’t want a ride from you anyway.”

It was day 2 of our New York City trip when we ventured into Little Italy. We walked, talked and snapped pictures of everything — even taxi cabs hauling ass in front of the Italian American Museum, apparently. We even enjoyed a gigantic thermos full of coffee, which I promptly spiked with whiskey, deeming it my “Manhattan Booty Juice.”

We had a wonderful time in Little Italy, like a montage from a 1980’s romantic comedy — all laughter, permed hair and sporadic food fights in curiously tolerant eating establishments. It was a wonderful time, that is, until we ordered a pizza.

Mulberry Street in Little Italy, New York City

Please don’t put a severed horse head in our bedsheets, oh kind and blog-loving Italian restaurateurs!

Now, I’m not necessarily blaming that restaurant in Little Italy with the huge red banners and awnings on Mulberry Street, but my wife began her nightmare sojourn through the 7th Sphere of Hell exactly 4 hours after eating there. Also, I am compelled — compelled, I say — to mention the prosciutto on her pizza tasted a bit… off. Now, I love eating dead pig parts — hell, I take a bacon bath every Thursday night — but this stuff didn’t taste like dry-cured ham at all. It tasted like thinly sliced Gorgon meat.

Later that evening, as we were riding the A train back to Brooklyn, my wife started pawing at the lining of her coat — like, compulsively — in a way which let me know something bad was about to happen. She jumped off the train at the next stop, sprinted to the nearest garbage can and threw up so violently her back arched with each heave like a greyhound bent over a mailbox.

My heart went out to her, because we all know just how badly this sucks. I helped guide her back onto the train and we rode to our stop at Nostrand Avenue. We barely made it back to our hostel and up the stairs before my wife fired prosciutto goo all over the communal bathroom. Toilet, sink, walls, floor — she hosed that bathroom down like it was on fire. Do you know the difference between regular vomiting and projectile vomiting? Regular vomiting sucks. Projectile vomiting is amazing.

My wife’s torment continued throughout the night. She threw up every 30 minutes, and her nausea was soon coupled with explosive diarrhea. The poor dear was rooster tailing out of both ends, soiling her clothes and the bathroom floor simultaneously. Normally I would congratulate this sort of behavior with a high-five and a slap on the ass, (maybe even take a picture to show our future children), but this time I was just plain worried. And adding guilt to my worry, as I would later find out, she’d been cleaning up her own mess each time it happened rather than asking me for help. On top of all of this… she looked bad. Like, The Walking Dead bad. I wasn’t sure if I should call an ambulance, try and get her to an emergency room myself or just keep holding the hot water bottle against her stomach while stroking flakes of dried yack out of her hair. I kept telling her it was just food poisoning and would run its course after about 4 hours, doing my best to channel the prestigious medical degree I totally don’t have. But hey, blind assurances were surely more appreciated than the hysterical meltdown I was experiencing inside. All told, it was one of the longest, most stressful nights we’ve ever shared, and it didn’t end until we both passed out at dawn.

We slept most of the next day, finally waking in the late afternoon. My wife was predictably weak as she emerged from the bunk beds, shivering like a newborn faun trying to stand in a pool of amniotic fluid. And you know how almost nothing but a few random food items sound good when you’ve spent the last night purging yourself right down to your very essence? My wife had almost no appetite except for two specific things: Coca-Cola Classic and Nabisco saltine crackers. I’m thinking she was severely dehydrated and her body needed to replenish its essential salts, and I know this because I went to art school.

Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part IV
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part III
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part II
Click here to read New York Liaison: A Tale of Love and Projectile Vomiting in the Big Apple – Part I

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.