Tag Archives: Movies

American Man and His German Wife Mock the Award-Winning Movie “Life of Pi”

life of pi movie poster

“Man, tigers are DICKS.” — Photo Credit: diginmag (https://www.flickr.com/photos/diginmag/) — © Cindy Maram/Dig In Magazine — Image subject to CC 2.0 license.

Have you seen the movie Life of Pi? It was based on the allegorical novel by Yann Martel, and tells the story of a 16-year-old Indian boy stranded on a lifeboat for 227 days with a Bengal tiger. You might be thinking that’s an awfully long time to survive in a confined space with a bloodthirsty animal, but then you would be forgetting Bengal tigers are totally incapable of climbing onto stretched canvas. Seriously. The kid cowers on top of a canvas tarp and the tiger is unable to climb up onto it and get him. His little tiger claws just can’t get any purchase! He’s the worst tiger ever! Can you use your hind legs and jump, you little bitch? God dammit!

So this movie won four Oscars, including Best Director, and grossed about $125 million dollars in the US alone. Now, I’m not saying it wasn’t fun to watch — hell, I could even hang with all the symbolism, religious messages and the notion of truth as a relative term — I guess I just wasn’t terribly moved by it. But my wife and I both agreed it was more fun than watching paint dry! That’s generous of us, right?

I believe my wife summarized our attitude best, after Pi’s miniature raft was lost, forcing him to return to the lifeboat with the tiger:

“I think his little boaty-floaty went away… with all the life wests.”*

*That would be life ‘vests,’ pronounced with my wife’s adorable German accent.

If you would like to read another Denglish post, check this one out: My German Wife Reveals Her Maternal Intentions with a Single, Horrifying Question

 


 

TV and Movie Reviews: German-American Couple Watches “Californication”

californication-tv-show-sign-funny-german

Photo Credit: Rex Roof (https://www.flickr.com/photos/rexroof/) — CC Attribution 2.0 Generic License

Title: Californication

Classification: TV Series

Genre: Comedy-Drama

Trailer: (Warning: Adult Content)

Summary: Fox Mulder walks into a room — any room — and at least one attractive female decides, I absolutely must nail that guy within the hour.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Merkel Diamonds.

Merkel-Diamonds-3-of-5

Conclusions:

ME: “Hey, it’s better than watching paint dry.”

THE WIFE: *Pretending to wake up from a sex-dream* “GUH!?–KISS THE TIP!”

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Quick, one-time survey about this post from Oh God, My Wife Is German:

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denglish 78: My German Wife Asks Me Not to Strike Her Loins

Back in early 2012, The Wife and I were watching a movie in our living room. I can’t remember now, but it was probably a chick flick like Sex and the City 2 or Eat Pray Love — something my wife forced me to add to my Netflix queue, forever sullying its masculine streak of pure, testicle-powered entertainment. (Wait, that sounded like gay porn, didn’t it.)

So, sometime during the second half of the movie, I stood up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, swatted my wife’s thigh and asked, “Would you like anything while I’m up?”

She replied calmly, without turning her gaze from the TV screen.

THE WIFE: “Please don’t slap my fat meat.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Video: How to Destroy American Electrical Appliances in Germany

PART II: Success.

As you probably know, European outlets kick out a mean 220 volts of electricity. American appliances, like my now-deceased electric razor, were only designed to handle 110 volts. I was told by several people my appliances would be ruined if I tried them in Europe, so as soon as I arrived, I did my very best to brick my razor. Nothing bad happened. Then I tried my razor for a longer period of time while in Munich. Like, long enough for a full, manly kind of shave.

This video is the result:

And this is the first video, when my razor was still alive:

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Video: Oktoberfest 2012 – Adorably Drunk Germans in a Beer Tent

NOTE: I am posting this video without the slightest hint of judgement or condescension. In fact, next year, I will don my own lederhosen and sing these Germans a real drinking song. Now, if only Americans had drinking songs…

Anyway, this video was recorded in a beer garden later in the evening during our Hannover Oktoberfest excursion. You can’t really tell from the audio, but it was ridiculously loud inside. Our voices quickly became raspy from shouting into each other’s ears… and also because those German sons of bitches were smoking inside the tent. Nothing against smokers; just keep it outside, you cancer dancers.

The Wife and I had an incredibly good time in this beer garden, and apparently everyone else did as well. Oh man, I cannot wait for Oktoberfest 2013. I’ve already got a sexy dirndl picked out for my wife. “Look what I got you for your birthday, honey! Try that shit on! Yub yub!”

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Video: How to Use American Electrical Appliances in Germany

Check it out! Our very first video post from Hannover, Germany!

Apparently, European outlets kick out a vicious 220 volts of electricity. Sissy American appliances, like my electric razor, are only designed to handle 110 volts. I was told by several people (I’m looking in your direction, greasy electronics nerdling from Fred Meyer) my appliances would be ruined if I tried them in Europe. Before I moved, I bought a dozen grounded European to American outlet adapters from Amazon.com for $1 each. These adapters very specifically say, “This will not convert the voltage from 220V to 110V,” so I was expecting a real fireworks show.

When I arrived in Germany, I tried one out and did my very best to destroy my electric razor. Here is the video.

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.

Denglish 70: My German Wife Complains About Our American Chores

During the year in which my wife and I shared a car, worked full time, prepared for our upcoming move to Germany and planned our wedding, our list of nightly chores seemed overwhelming. I’m not suggesting we were any busier than you, Dear Reader, but I suspect we were bigger pussies about it.

Each evening after arriving home from work, we opened the mail, prepared our lunches for the next day, cooked dinner, sorted the recycling, went over our wedding budget and task list, did the laundry, set out our exercise clothes for the morning and cleaned up around the house. This may not sound like much, especially if at any point you lost your mind and had children, but we were lucky to find half an hour each night in which to relax in front of the TV with a DVD from Netflix.

As I’ve said before, my wife’s English is fantastic; she’s better at both written and spoken English than any other native German I’ve ever met. However, while complaining about our nightly to-do list back in the winter of 2011, she dropped this little gem on me:

THE WIFE: *sigh* “There is always so much choreses to do.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

If you liked this post, please follow our blog by entering your email address in the upper right corner of this page. You’ll receive future posts directly in your inbox! No spam, ever! You can also follow us on Twitter and Facebook.