Tag Archives: Funny Wife

Denglish 55: My German Wife Recommends a Swift Cleansing of the Genitals

My wife and I are still in that stage of our relationship where we enjoy showering together. You know the one I’m talking about; that nauseatingly sweet period of time in which you are perfectly willing to stand outside the spray of warm water, shivering to death in the cold, while your significant other takes her sweet-ass time rinsing some weirdo raspberry and Brazil nut conditioner out of her hair.*

However, we don’t always have time for these kinds of sexy, slow-motion Hollywood showers that totally happen in real life. Sometimes we barely even have time to wash ourselves at all, which plays hell with our hygiene and my wife’s English vocabulary:

THE WIFE: “Remember, we will also shower later, so for now we should just wash our testicles.”

*My wife would like our readers to know she does not use any such “weirdo” hair conditioners as the one to which I alluded above; she uses whichever brand is cheapest and “stinks like hell the least.” My wife would also like our readers to know she does not have testicles.

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Denglish 54: My German Wife Answers Nature’s Call in Washington D.C.

During the long-distance portion of our relationship, The Wife and I flew several times between Frankfurt, Germany and Portland, Oregon in order to see one another. My wife has flown into every international airport in America, so she’s quite the travel veteran, but there’s no getting around the fact that the distance between Frankfurt and an airport likeΒ Washington Dulles is over 4000 miles β€” or approximately 9 hours of flight time β€” and that is a very long wait when you don’t like going poo poo on airplanes. So, during one such trip, as my wife was trying to make her connecting flight in D.C., she sent me the following text message:

THE WIFE: “I need to use the bathroom. I will first go through security and then I will lay my egg.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Denglish 53: Proper German Conduct for Hawaiian-Themed Bars

Back in February of 2011, The Wife decided to join me for my German class at Portland Community College (PCC). We had a few hours to kill before class, so we stopped at a Hawaiian-themed karaoke bar on North Interstate called Alibi, where I ordered a big, steaming pile of macaroni salad. Immediately, I began complaining about the food and the fact that I didn’t feel like going to German class that night, which earned me the following rebuke:

THE WIFE: “Don’t be a dick in a tiki bar.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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