Tag Archives: Funny Wife

Denglish 55: My German Wife Recommends a Swift Cleansing of the Genitals

My wife and I are still in that stage of our relationship where we enjoy showering together. You know the one I’m talking about; that nauseatingly sweet period of time in which you are perfectly willing to stand outside the spray of warm water, shivering to death in the cold, while your significant other takes her sweet-ass time rinsing some weirdo raspberry and Brazil nut conditioner out of her hair.*

However, we don’t always have time for these kinds of sexy, slow-motion Hollywood showers that totally happen in real life. Sometimes we barely even have time to wash ourselves at all, which plays hell with our hygiene and my wife’s English vocabulary:

THE WIFE: “Remember, we will also shower later, so for now we should just wash our testicles.”

*My wife would like our readers to know she does not use any such “weirdo” hair conditioners as the one to which I alluded above; she uses whichever brand is cheapest and “stinks like hell the least.” My wife would also like our readers to know she does not have testicles.

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Denglish 54: My German Wife Answers Nature’s Call in Washington D.C.

During the long-distance portion of our relationship, The Wife and I flew several times between Frankfurt, Germany and Portland, Oregon in order to see one another. My wife has flown into every international airport in America, so she’s quite the travel veteran, but there’s no getting around the fact that the distance between Frankfurt and an airport like Washington Dulles is over 4000 miles — or approximately 9 hours of flight time — and that is a very long wait when you don’t like going poo poo on airplanes. So, during one such trip, as my wife was trying to make her connecting flight in D.C., she sent me the following text message:

THE WIFE: “I need to use the bathroom. I will first go through security and then I will lay my egg.”

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Denglish 53: Proper German Conduct for Hawaiian-Themed Bars

Back in February of 2011, The Wife decided to join me for my German class at Portland Community College (PCC). We had a few hours to kill before class, so we stopped at a Hawaiian-themed karaoke bar on North Interstate called Alibi, where I ordered a big, steaming pile of macaroni salad. Immediately, I began complaining about the food and the fact that I didn’t feel like going to German class that night, which earned me the following rebuke:

THE WIFE: “Don’t be a dick in a tiki bar.”

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Denglish 52: My German Wife Uses My Awesome Nicknames Against Me

I use a lot of nicknames when I greet familiar people. Friends, family members, co-workers… no one is safe. On the fly, I come up with nicknames like “fruity cakes,” “jack weasel” or “slobber jockey,” and these are just the PG rated versions; you should hear the really nasty ones I reserve for my closest friends. My wife, however, has no regard whatsoever for our American content rating system, so in May of 2011, she asked me…

THE WIFE: “How are you doing my little monkey fart?”

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Pictures: Instagram, Dead Fish and my German Wife

Small Mouth Bass Trophy Stuffed

"Hey there, you big sexy."

As you know, I recently discovered Instagram; an iPhone app which allows talentless hacks like me to apply trendy filters to any photograph and create superficially engaging imagery. I’ve been using Instagram to take pictures of all sorts of mundane things around our house, including a pair of stuffed bass, depicted horrifically above.

It is with no small amount of pride that I inform you, dear reader, I actually caught these Smallmouth Bass with my own two hands. We were on the Lower Deschutes River on a guided fishing trip, using lures like Rapalas, Assassins, curly tail grubs and these bizarre half-frog things I would rather forget. And though I am not a fisherman, I am positively lethal with a Rapala [pictured].

Rapala fishing lure

My weapon of choice. Don't be fooled by its vacant stare. – Image courtesy of carpcatchers.biz

Anyway, the fishing trip included complimentary taxidermy service, so I had those two handsome devils stuffed and mounted, and then I placed them on a shelf directly above our toilet (or toilette, as my wife calls it). Now, I have no problem pooping beneath a couple of ichthyo nightmares, but my German wife sure as hell does.

“We take this down when we have company,” she said while exiting the bathroom. “Cool picture though.”

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Denglish 46: The German To-Do List for Complete Retards

Now, I’ll be real honest with you — this post doesn’t pertain to Denglish in any way. There are no mistranslations or German idioms lacking cultural context. This is just one blind swing in the endless series of haymakers which comprise my German wife’s sense of humor.

THE WIFE: “Why would a grown man need a to-do list? Am I your mother? No! So here is your list for today…

To-Do List for Complete Retards:

  1. Please eat something.
  2. Please clean the dishes afterward.
  3. Don’t forget to breathe.”

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Denglish 34: Some German Names for Boys Are Just Awful

Back in 2010, The Wife and I stayed in a hostel in Brooklyn. We rented a private room, which was furnished with 2 rickety bunk beds, a tiny refrigerator and a sickly little houseplant too pathetic to live.

ME: “Our hostel plant needs a name. What should it be?”

THE WIFE: “… Horst.”

(In Germany, apparently, ‘Horst’ is kind of insulting; like naming your child Igby or Gomez.)

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