Tag Archives: Fat

Denglish 78: My German Wife Asks Me Not to Strike Her Loins

Back in early 2012, The Wife and I were watching a movie in our living room. I can’t remember now, but it was probably a chick flick like Sex and the City 2 or Eat Pray Love — something my wife forced me to add to my Netflix queue, forever sullying its masculine streak of pure, testicle-powered entertainment. (Wait, that sounded like gay porn, didn’t it.)

So, sometime during the second half of the movie, I stood up to get a glass of water from the kitchen, swatted my wife’s thigh and asked, “Would you like anything while I’m up?”

She replied calmly, without turning her gaze from the TV screen.

THE WIFE: “Please don’t slap my fat meat.”

Click here to learn more about the term “Denglish.”

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Interesting Facts About Germany: Germans Love to Eat Fat

Now I’m not saying all Germans like to eat fat, but my wife sure as hell does.

She eats something called Speck; cured strips of fatback, more accurately known as Lardo. To me, this stuff tastes like uncooked bacon without a trace of meat. And it’s soft. Disgustingly, almost spreadably soft. If you took butter, extracted everything good, pure and innocent from it, then cursed its soul to hell with the power of a thousand burning puppies, you’d wind up with Speck.

My wife loves this kind of salty, heart attack food, and she gets away with it. In fact, she can eat whatever she wants and still stay thin and sexy. It’s almost as if the more horrifying the food, the sexier she becomes (I also suspect she feeds upon the nightmares of children).

Now, I’ve heard it said, Americans are so fat because of high-fructose corn syrup; that we are victims of a diet high in refined sugars, which explains our obesity epidemic. Further, this logic explains, Europeans are so thin because they eat more natural diets; they eat loads of bread and drink wine by the barrel, yet are still sexy enough to make smoking look awesome. I believe this logic is false.

While high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t seem to be good for the human body, it is not the rightful scapegoat of our rotund masses — portion control is. I’ve been all over Europe, and yes, they seem to eat whatever they want, but they do not sit down to pig troughs of super-sized, double-fried, batter-dipped slop 3 times daily. They eat little, birdlike meals, then hop on their Vespa scooters and drink Chianti at the beach beneath majestic sunsets.

So please, America, be more like my wife — eat the crazy stuff — just do it in small amounts. Now, please excuse me while I go blitzkrieg on this Luther Burger.

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